Britney Spears (Not Her, Her. Over There):
A Love Poem

The hairy, sweaty ass quivered, then fart crapped.
A pair of fat, pale yellow worms wiggled out.

The worms coiled together
underneath the butt breath and fecal splash,
and humped their sensitive suction flesh.

More worms crawled out the butthole.

Soon the floor was an orgy,
a din of suction love-play.

The butt trumpeted,
shat, spewing black purple
blood and steamy clumps.

The worms orgasmed,
melted, melded,
rose as single entity
and entered the butthole.

The butt exploded.

My Last Erection

My last erection,
it’s all I think about.
Really, I’m obsessed…

Dying doesn’t bother me,
that’s easy.
Losing your manhood,
that’s hard.

Two balls and a cock,
my holy trinity
It’s all I’ve got
I’m worried about it.

Will it come and go,
unappreciated
like fleeting morning wood?
Will I accidentally beat it to death,
strangling the life out of it
as I did in my youth?

No!

I’m a man. I need a woman.

I want a fist full of hair
and an aching wetness to take it all
as I blast out the last few drops
of my humanity.

If there is justice in this world,
if there is a God,
that’s the way it will be!
But it won’t…

Thanks Boss

if he can sneak out
two, three times a day
for a cigarette
then surely I can
to rub one out
sitting in my car
in the parking lot, right?

same amount of time
same stress relief
I’ll be twice as productive, after

promise I’ll be quick
and not abuse the privilege
probably just once a day
twice, tops

ok boss?
thanks
I knew you’d understand

My Wife and My Penis are Having an Affair

My wife and my penis are having an affair
They appear
friends.
Huddle together
And
Stare into each other’s eyes
Whisper in the dark.
To the music
of Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel.

I flick on the lights,
they jump apart.
I say nothing.
Art
and the sound of silence.
I offer
the benefit of the doubt.
Friends. Am I sure?

Amour
My wife’s allure

Do they more than whisper?

Boys night.
We hang out.
Gunther, my penis, urges the conversation around
to my wife’s smooth skin and dark bobbed hair.
“Her breasts are soft to the touch” he sounds.
Inserts the statement surreptitiously
into the flow of the conversation
and acts nonchalant.
Silence
Hums Scarborough (af)Fair.
And 50 ways
To leave with his lover.

I say nothing.

My wife dolls herself up.
A clue.
A sign
An assignation
Behind my back.
Right in front
Of me?

I wake at night
to the two,
tugging at each other’s hearts.
To the music of Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel.
Now they are never apart.
I believe they are in love and plan to leave,
depart
and be together, and visit art galleries
and start a new life.

Apart from me.

They deserve each other.
Both are very needy.

ANALOG SUBMISSION PRESS

A5 saddle-stitched chapbook. Lovingly handmade and hand numbered. Limited to 25 copies. 19 poems over 36 pages. Printed on an old Canon laser printer we found abandoned at a dump site. White outer wrappers with black inner wrappers.

Sad Discoveries was originally published in September 2018.
The second edition includes six new poems.

BUY A COPY HERE

something (anything)

staring at a blank page
waiting for the word to escape
wanting the poem or story to come
something creative
to make me feel alive
any goddamn thing
to make my day worthwhile
so my reason for existence on earth
wasn’t just to make rich people more rich
my purpose today wasn’t just to sweat
eat and pay taxes
that doesn’t sound like
a life I am interested in
a deep dark hole of nothingness
one which escape in unforeseeable
then the thoughts of my parents
that died young come to mind
makes me more frustrated
rips at my soul
further hinders my ability
to elevate from this sink
so I pour another
and realize that tomorrow
is a different day

UNIVERSAL OBSCENITIES FROM THE SHADOWS OF A DONKEY’S ASS

Faceless men roaming the streets
with cleavers and precarious intentions

Homicidal Teddy Bears with blood-soaked mouths
carrying the bones of freshly devoured children,
chickens and squirrels

Good, honest men on P.C.P.
forced to carry bags of angry rats
and hand grenades

Wormholes opening up in the asses of sheep and cows,
pulling people, houses and refurbished electronics
into various dimensions

War machines rolling through the streets
covered in Christmas lights and painted-on flowers
giving genocide a more palatable experience

Our Super-Heroes are all sniffing glue
deep in the bushes of parks around the city

The United Nations disbanded because of lack of interest
and the overwhelming desire to see what the fuck
those little red buttons really do

The monkeys are on the move
preparing for a total insurrection

The earth has begun to crack down the middle
but nobody knows why because no one
showed up for work today

Call it Armageddon

Call it payback

Call it divine inevitability

I call it a chance to get stinking drunk
and throw sticks of dynamite
and large rocks off my balcony

Whimpers of Love

The noises you make
a kitten being born then
eaten by its mom.

There are no innocents

“I think you just need more experience to
understand hell as something possibly good”
—Eileen Myles

Long before they are legal
they try to crash the bars
with older sister’s photo ID’s
or the ones they stole from purses,
rifled for valuables, they lifted from
under bathroom stall doors in public
toilets or from pole hangers on
subways, buses, perfecting their
grab and run techniques as downtown
locals pull into stations for a stop.

Trying to pass cancelled plastic
is a game they play at chain stores
or supermarkets, claiming their
stepmoms had sent them on errands,
how were they supposed to know cards
were cancelled, maxed, expired?
all the while praying no one would
call their bluff.

If there was a black market
drug they hadn’t done twice, it hadn’t
made the rounds, or, was still
in an experimental stage.

The only books they’d read
since they’d reached the age
of reason were sex manuals they’d
committed to memory and perfected,
practicing their positions on men
older than their fathers if they had
lived long enough to reach the age of thirty.

Without makeup, mid-thigh miniskirts
and hair in pigtails, they might pass for
cute young things discussing their
sweet sixteen parties or dresses they’d
like to buy for their prom, instead of
whether they should hook for the money
to score some blotter and a lid, or whether
they should roll some old lady in an
alley for her grocery money and rent.

*dingding*

the door chimes as i walk in
it’s just me n the saleslady at the goodwill
she keeps telling me how good the 75 dollar queen size used mattress is
so good, she says, rubbing it
i had a nice mattress…i say
she’s like 100, i don’t think she hears me
you’ll love this, she says, sitting down on it
i can hear the metal springs groan as she bounces
i had a nice mattress…but it got punctured with a knife a bunch of times
so good, she says, stroking it with both hands
i had a nice mattress…but it got soaked in blood
she closes her eyes, head back, arms stretched,
hands gripping the sides,
moving her legs in a way
that’s got her dress climbing up them
exposing white flesh
and whiter flesh
and more wh—
bright pink (!?)
*dingding*
I’LL TAKE IT

i give her my credit card
we tied it to the top of my acura
and i took it home

carl my neighbor helps me push it up the stairs
then carl tries to follow me into the apartment
no carl, i got it, i say, pushing him out
where’s heather, he says
why’s it so cold in here
why’s it reek of bleach
cuz i just got my asshole done carl
*slam door*

i wake up next to heather
and we fool around some
but it’s not that good …
i have a realization
i’m just not that into her anymore
damn
i think i’m going to have to dump her

. . .

i bring the goodwill lady back to my apartment
she’s so old
she was probably going to die in her sleep tonight of old age anyway…

(snap.crackle.pop)
i roll her into a ball
using ducktape
so all that’s exposed is three holes (ass, pussy, mouth) (hee hee hee!)
*the sound ducktape makes when you rip it from the roll*
glchchglchrfphtfrippcht

a couple days later i spot pinhead carl
and his pinhead wife and 8 pinhead children walking back from taco bell.
as they’re climbing up the stairs
i roll her like a bowling ball
knocking them all down
sstrriike

oh shit
the apartment complex is going up in flames
i save carl’s wife and two eldest daughters
put em in the back of my van and go
i’m a hero

and when you save a life
that life is yours to take
if you want it

we’re going to have lots of fun girls

i mean women
/
i mean whatever you identify as
/
it’s cool with me
/
ur life is short
/
be what makes you happy now
/
cuz tomorrow
/
you could be dead
/
slash/slash/slash

hee hee hee!