Curtains

& then, it hit me, hard: I was
engaged with my wife in a
discussion, a debate about,
curtains,
specifically, the colour of: I
didn’t know what had 
happened to me, I had NEVER
given a thought or a fuck about
curtains,
but here I was, actively 
contributing as though truly
interested in 
curtains,
but I’m not, I still don’t
give a shit about
curtains, 
you’ve got them or you
haven’t and who gives a
fuck about
curtains:
‘I think the Modern Yellow
Sunset is what would look
really good’ she said:
I nodded my head, smiled,
‘Yeah, let’s go for it’ I said,
hoping that would kill the
deal:
I was wrong:
‘Perhaps, the Antique Moon
Yellow, would be better’ she
said:
I nodded my head
and waited.

This Illness

I watch the cars 
up and town Broadway 
across from Cag’s bicycles
I wonder how many drive
idle with heavy hearts?

How many drift aimless
home from work with 
grease burned into their arms
with tears scarred into the
corners of their eyes? 

You can scrub the dirt from
your skin but you can’t clean
this illness from your bones.

I am sick and she is sick
and we were born into this sick world.
The medicine men on the corners
hold our dreams and aspirations,

We’ve traded Californian vistas
and white fences for landscapes
of death and urban rot.

Tonight I say I am going to kill myself
I’ve said this every night for months
and with each haunted evening
I tiptoe closer to oblivion
with the faith of a preacher.

About Mid-day

A good café 
is important 
for a writer. 
There aren’t 
many 
good cafés
or writers 
left. 
I have a good café 
that I go to 
downtown. 
It still preserves 
its important features – 
framed photos 
of when it opened, 
sturdy tables 
with chipped edges, 
and unquestionably 
strong coffee. 
There are other 
important features, 
but these are some 
that stimulate me 
now. 
It is Rialto Café 
on Wilshire Ave. 
There is not much 
seating, 
and the windows 
are large enough 
to get lost through. 
It’s important 
to be able 
to get lost 
through the windows 
of a good café. 
The only thing 
that bothers me 
today 
about Rialto 
is that 
the 3 new young kids 
working 
haven’t looked up 
from their phones 
since I started 
this poem. 
And I’m almost 
done. 
The 2 girls 
in the kitchen 
are checking out 
a new dating app 
that they’re giddy 
about. 
And the curly-haired boy 
leaning on the counter 
is watching 
the World Cup. 
I can’t say 
I blame him. 
It would be 
in good taste 
if it was in 
the right setting. 
But not while 
you’re supposed to be 
attentive 
to a sensitive writer 
whose coffee cup 
is empty. 
Maybe they’re just 
entertaining the fact 
that I’m writing. 
But I highly doubt it. 
I want to give 
these younger kids 
the benefit 
of the doubt. 
I remember a time 
when you couldn’t be 
on your phone 
at work. 
How did phones 
wiggle their way 
into everything 
we do? 
My pocket is vibrating; 
it’s my sister 
sending me snaps 
of the kids. 
Time to 
check my phone, 
see what kind of 
shenanigans
my niece and nephew 
are up to
and then get lost 
through the windows. 

achilles heel heart 

some say the twenty-four ribs 
protect the heart 
i say the heart is an achilles heel 
always a target 
pierced no matter the armor 
even when opening & closing alone 
in a small room 
i say the twenty-four ribs is a terminal 
where the heart awaits the final blade 
& the rungs of arched bone 
become a fighting cage at last 
for worms to war over red shreds

Shenanigans in the Bushes

in front of my workplace
between two bushes
we’ve found evidence
of strange goings on
in the recent past
for example one morning
an old stained pot
latex gloves and 
drug paraphernalia
were on the ground
another day multiple
used condemns and liquor
bottles littered the area
but today…
an older white female coworker
while shaking her head said
“I don’t know how to describe
this, you have to come look”
what I observed was a half
of an oversized hotdog wiener
caked with feces beside
a pool of brown liquid
with a latex glove nearby
I nearly vomited at the site
I hovered over the turd aghast
in utter bewilderment and thought
‘where’s the other half of this wiener?’
I assume it broke off and
wasn’t eaten as a snack afterwards

I guess it’s just like
that old adage

a wiener in the ass 
is better than 
two in the bush

I’m Clean Right?

Ain’t a pill I didn’t swallow
or grind up and snort
rolled through Broadway
years 
worn little jackets
covered nothin in the cold – that I didn’t feel

Tell you I was numb
always so sedated 
as I traipsed uptown
just before dawn
found the place
to hold me until 3pm
with something to steady me
those breaking hours
took a lifetime
when the demons would kick in
the paranoid sense that everyone knew
I was high as fuck
the suffocating guilt
of shit that wasn’t even real – my imagined self
on a 48-hour binge

Thought I wouldn’t make it home that afternoon
in the blizzard
I should’ve been dead
like Sydney
that same night
we were in the same places
drove our separate vehicles
Sydney drove off the Whitestone Bridge
I drove the Bronco into a snow drift
like it was a winter dune 
and I was Mad Max
in that movie
I could never follow

Rasping and almost unconscious
I found the key under the mat
frozen fingers pawed through layers of snow
an impossible feat 
it wasn’t me 
call it kismet
angels
fate
aliens – call that shit
whatever you want

I’m clean now baby
so clean I can hike four miles in the morning
every seven years or so we re-zhuzh – our organs
our blood
all of it
I’ve done a few cycles
I’m good right?

Justin

It was almost 2AM

I was parked outside my apartment waiting for a friend to grab a half smoked pack of cigarettes from my living room

A man with his hood drawn approached my car window

“Hey man, can you help me?”

I didn’t know what to say, it being 2AM and all

“It’s me, Justin, don’t you recognize me?”

It was Justin alright, with his unshaven face and matted hair with a dead gleam in his eyes

The years of heroin didn’t do his natural beauty any good

Neither did the stories of his robberies across town

“Justin, no man, you need to leave”

“I just need a place to stay!”

“Seriously, you can’t crash with me!”

“Come on!”

“Fuck off!”

My friend returned, lighting a cigarette

“What’s up, man?”

“Oh nothing” Justin sighed and walked away, defeated again

I found out later he slept in my laundry room and the landlord had to call the police to remove him

I also found out his girlfriend thought “we’ve broken up” and “he’s in rehab” were the same thing

She had a Heartagram tramp stamp that moved in sync with her hips when she was thrusting herself up and down on me

He left me a very passive aggressive birthday wish on my Facebook wall that following year

He’s sober now

You Seduce Me with Your Being

Your smothering shoulders
entangle me
Your tattooed arms
embrace my hips
You kiss my open silent wound
while I hold your secret safe
in the dark darkest forest
where our blood runs pure as honey
where the earth spills its beating heart

Life and art explode in battles
where only lovers can survive
in lust and mud and undergrowth