Anthony Dirk Ray

The Monty Hall Problem

It’s a pleasant 68 degrees in Hollywood, California, on a gorgeous spring day in 1986.  This is toward the end of the last taping of the Let’s Make a Deal television game show. 

Monty Hall: Diane, go down there and take a look at your new car, just promise to take me for a ride, alright?  Thank you, ladies and gentlemen for being such a great audience.  I have some money to give away. Does anyone have a scrubbing sponge?

Random audience member: I do, Monty. Right here.

Monty: Okay. Here’s $100 for you. Now I’m looking for the first person with a leather belt?

R.A.M.: Over here, Monty.

Monty: Thank you, sir. Here’s a one hundred dollar bill for you. Does anyone have an eating spoon?

R.A.M.: Me, me. Back here, Monty.

Monty: That is a spoon. Thank you very much. A crisp $100 for you, as well. For $200 of this show’s money,  someone show me a disposable lighter.

R.A.M.: I’ve got a lighter, hun.

Monty: Let’s see here. Let me strike it. Yes, it works. Here is your money, sweetie. You folks are on fire, how about one more hard one? I have $300 for anyone that has a needle. Not a sewing needle, but a hypodermic needle. Think shots and immunizations. Be careful looking for it now. I wouldn’t want anyone getting poked. 

R.A.M.: I’m a diabetic. I have one here, Monty.

Monty: Perfect. Still has the cap on it..Great. Well folks, I’m about to get out of here. This bag’s been burning a hole in my goddamn pocket all day. Thank you all for coming out. Drive safe. 

Carrie Magness Radna

Amber (no. 129 of Women’s names sensual series) 

What’s going on  
at the Boom Boom Room? 
She’s making it happen; 
she’s out of the cage! 

She came from a den of thieves. 
Her Mom 
pickled her own heart 
with hot vinegar. 
& her Mom’s never satisfied; 
she’s often sinister 
& full of rage. 

But right now, 
all the lights are on. 

This girl’s eyes are burning brightly 
while wearing a top with cut-outs  
& long sleeves 
as the music plays on— 

Worlds apart, 
her loves go down 
so much quicker 

“It’s great to be ignored in stereo,” 
she whines like a jesting Valley Girl 
finally gaining some beach curls 
from a very special Japanese shampoo. 

Oh oh oh 
What to do? 

She’s got a famous resting bitch face 
the paparazzi wants to reveal; 
her curious reinvention 
sputters on, as if  
she came up 
with the first wheel. 

But when she opens up, 
she’s a little genius, not a ditzy brat 
with a soul of a black cat 

who’s working on her next free life. 
Like her Daddy 

who played good on his Fender, 
his fake Beatles haircut  
is now wearing thin; 
he never made it big 
in LA or NYC. 

He left his two girls home 
as an afterthought— 
the trip-lights, the mind benders 
& the fantasies, to him 
were more important  
than reality. 

& the cad 
that came to claim her, 
he was her secret lover 
until she was discovered 
by Hollywood 

He ditched her right after 
she gained the limelight. 

She claimed: 
“If I can’t have love, 
I want power.”

Travis Black

Travis J. Black (He/Him) is a gay poet, writer and visual artist living in Michigan. His work has appeared in Peeking Cat PoetryBlack Poppy ReviewThe Sirens CallThe Chamber Magazine and the 200th Anniversary book Determined Hearts: A Frankenstein Anthology. His work often explores the mysterious, imaginative and liminal spaces that exist between identity, sexuality and being.

Instagram: @travisjblack 

R.M. Engelhardt

The Only Thing Separating Bukowski & Rilke is Catlin

On my bookshelf

The only thing separating 
Bukowski & Rilke 

Is Catlin

Like some referee 
In a boxing ring
Or a bouncer in a 
Crowded bar

Y’ see Rilke & Bukowski
Never really got along

Celan once tried to 
Take them both out one day 
For ice cream but 
They just looked at
Each other glaring from across
The Friendly’s table

With disgust

Started insulting
Each other Rilke calling
Bukowski a disgusting swine
Bukowski calling Rilke a 
Pompous Nancy Boy

Things just weren’t
Working out & looked
Pretty bleak

Bukowski was
Drunk all the time
And Rilke was always 
Spending hours in
The bathroom
Working on his 

But then ?
Catlin’s new book 
Came out 

Exterminating Angels

And after reading it
Carefully placed it
Between Love’s A Dog From
Hell & The Sonnets of Orpheus

And now?

I haven’t heard anything
From either of them

In quite awhile 

But you never know

Last year Pessoa
Slashed Berryman’s
Tires and James Joyce 
Called the police

Robert Guffey

chili, cornbeef, & fucking a bloody cunt w/ no condom

& fucking a bloody cunt
w/ no condom.

i’ve heard of improbable events like these,
rumors passed along furtively through half-remembered whispers.
old-timers called them


just never thought i’d have one
quite as perfect as

Karl Koweski

Because I once quoted Shakespeare, I’m considered the factory intellectual

Gary stopped in the aisle
at the hydraulic factory
and asked my opinion
concerning the earth being flat.

I looked into his Scooby Doo gaze
hoping to find a looming punchline,
anything other than the fervent certainty
that modern science
had gotten it all absolutely wrong.

neutral expression upheld,
I told him I figured
this had been decided for good and all
at least six hundred years ago,
two thousand years in some of the
more forward thinking civilizations,
ten thousand years if you are
inclined to include the Atlanteans.

I wouldn’t be so sure, Gary cautioned.
I’ve been watching those tiktok videos.

the fact you’re watching
tiktok videos of anything
other than bouncing breasts
and shaking asses leads me
to question your competency.

tiktok only shows me
this kind of stuff,
Gary said, exasperated.
his peaceful pseudo-porn
obviously usurped by
algorithms purposefully
designed by Democrats
working hand in hand
with the Chinese
to wake him from the
global conspiracy
hoodwinking humanity
into believing we exist
upon the surface
of a spherical planet.

NASA knows all about it,
Gary continued without
a shade of shame to his shadow.
they photoshop all their
satellite pictures
and they’re the ones in charge
of guarding the Antarctic ice wall,
and, you know, rockets, they
can actually only go four miles
up because there’s a dome
or, uhm… something.

Gary, stop, just stop, man,
how tired of porn do you have to be
to watch these bullshit videos?

he held his tongue a bare moment,
so, you know everything, then?

I know the earth’s fucking round!

all right, can we at least agree
the moon landing was staged?

we shook hands at that,
compromising on the utter
evil duplicity
of our government.

John Grey

The Pied Piper Day Three

He suddenly realized
not only hadn’t he been paid
but he was stuck with the entire
under-twelve population
of the town of Hamelin.

Still, it solved his dilemma
of what to feed
all of those hungry rats.

Tequila’s Bad Advice: Poetry with the Worm

“Judge Santiago Burdon’s poetry is a sophisticated slap in the face. The imagery induces you to clear your throat and shift your weight from one side to the other. Judge doesn’t waste his words in an attempt to make you comfortable. As a poet he delivers defined grit and structured devastation. He speaks in the language of gasoline fumes and stale cigarette smoke. Always honest and fearless, never apologizing. Know that I am a fan.”

S.L. Fleurimont Editor
The Remnant Leaf Journal


Catfish McDaris

The Most Beautiful Lady in Albuquerque

Bianca lived north of Albuquerque in the quaint little town of Corrales. She had a small adobe house with a wood burning stove and two fireplaces, Juanito had built for her. She worked for a rich family, caring for their horses and tending their garden. They had chickens and an orchard of apple and plum trees. Her boyfriend, Buffalo played in a country and western band. Buffalo had moved from New York to New Mexico to avoid the fierce winters. He knew about plants and herbs. Buffalo was currently reading Stalking the Wild Asparagus by Euell Gibbons. He’d found an abundance of asparagus spears under almost every tree in the orchard. Steamed with butter, garlic, and peppers, the asparagus was delicious. Bianca shared the spears with the owners of the ranch, the Smithe’s. They were usually only in New Mexico in the winters, being mostly snow birds from Boston.  

Juanito was Bianca’s brother, he stayed most weekends with her and Buffalo. He worked for the Santa Fe National Forest Service as a surveyor for timber roads and a forest firefighter. Juanito would leave Santa Fe every Monday to spend the week in the forests, staying in government quarters or in motels. He never rented an apartment, so he had a few ladies he stayed with or he’d head south to his sister’s. Juanito’s main lady was a scientist in Los Alamos, she was a bit too serious for him. Her name was Brenda and she loved sex, but needed to be loosened up. Brenda was a brunette with a dynamite figure and a brain to match.  

Juanito spoke Spanish everyday on his job, he was the only Anglo. His crew was made up of five men including the crew chief. They would depart from Santa Fe in four wheel drive trucks and head north, unless there was a fire to be fought. The crew often saw an old lady in a sombrero carrying an easel and paint box. She would be out walking near Abiquiu or Ghost Ranch or Taos. Juanito asked about her, they said she was Georgia O’Keeffe, an old gringa painter.  

Buffalo’s band was playing at a honky tonk in Albuquerque, he asked Juanito if he wanted to come hear them play. Bianca never went when he played because all the ladies loved his singing and usually wanted the whole enchilada. Juanito never failed to make an acquaintance, when he turned on the charm. The Smithe’s asked Juanito to build them a patio with native stone and a barbeque pit, so he spent a few months coming every weekend to Corrales. There were many rich people that had haciendas and kept horses in the village.  

John owned the biggest and most famous rock and roll club in Albuquerque. He was basically rolling in money. He liked the very best pot, liquor, and horses, plus he lived with a Playboy bunny. Toni was a centerfold and Playmate of the year. She was beautiful, lovely, perfect, and when she grinned at you, you were a gone goose. Her hair was golden blonde, upstairs and down.  

Juanito happened to pass by John and Toni’s bedroom while delivering weed and she was naked. She made no move to cover herself, she just laughed and smiled mischievously. Toni fell backwards onto the bed and let her legs fall apart revealing heaven on earth with a royal invitation. Juanito was kind of frozen like a statue staring, he had a crowbar erection. He knew right then he was going to tap that ass like a keg of Old Milwaukee.  

John asked Bianca to ride his new horse, she asked if he’d been saddle broken. John said, the horse was gentle and tame. Bianca got on the horse and it reared and started galloping wildly away, John was almost shitting himself laughing. Juanito jumped in his truck and chased down his sister on the unbroken horse. Juanito wanted to stomp John face in, Bianca talked him out of it. John had lots of cop friends and low life amigos. Bianca had a good thing in Corrales. That’s when Juanito starting making his plans for revenge, he plotted and schemed and was diligent and patient. 

Juanito spent a weekend with Brenda in Los Alamos. He explained what had happened to his sister. Brenda was reluctant at first to help Juanito with his plan, but after some extra special love making, she agreed.  

Toni started receiving flowers with poems of love. Juanito asked her to come to Bianca’s house to hear Buffalo’s band practice. He taught her all the latest western dance steps. It wasn’t long before he had her eating sugar cubes and apples from his hand like a fine filly. Soon, Juanito was making passionate love to Toni, while John was taking care of his bar. Finally, one night Juanito helped Toni pack her clothes and they drove north. They camped for a few days in the mountains, near a hot springs, it was a paradise of sheer bliss. Juanito told her about his plan for her to stay with Brenda and take some college courses. Toni agreed if she liked Brenda and they got along. She was fed up with John being a tyrant and tired being a kept woman.  

Brenda and Toni hit it off like long lost sisters. They traded off making love to Juanito. He could’ve had them both together, but he preferred to concentrate on one lady at a time. Winter soon came, John had heard rumors that Juanito had played back door man on him, making off with his woman. There was never any real proof of the cuckold. That came later, like having his ugly nose rubbed in horse shit. 

The forests became impassible in winter, so Juanito was laid off for four months of the year. Juanito decided to visit some folks back east and take some turquoise jewelry to sell. Brenda and Toni drove him to the airport in Albuquerque. Juanito felt like a king walking through the airport crowds with his two gorgeous ladies. Men rubbernecked with lust, women gawked with envy. There were reporters and cameramen there for the band Jethro Tull’s arrival. 

They took photos of Juanito, Toni, and Brenda. The ladies were all over Juanito. Toni was recognized as a Playboy centerfold. The next day the headline in the Albuquerque Tribune read: The Most Beautiful Lady in Albuquerque.  

Roger Netzer

Shopping For Dildos Online

Like me, you shop online for dildos,
vibrators and other sex toys.
I went from fingering my clit to pumping a vibrator
in my pussy while I watched porn.
That drifted into dildos up my ass
and double penetration.
I would buy butt plugs
and walk around the house with them
while doing the chores — vacuuming the rugs,
emptying the dishwasher, whatever.

Now I’m taking my sexual adventures into town:
Ben Wa balls in my ass sitting in a theater,
vibrating panties to the grocery store.
I don’t get caught, but I think about it.