A. Theist

The Eye of Fortune

He introduced himself on September 11th.

“Hi, Elias. I’m Prince September.”

“cool, cool, cool.”

He’d burst through the doorway of my apartment, a complete stranger, but I was used to crazy shit.

“I’ve come to bring you a gift, Elias.”

Removing his Fedora, he pulled a ball of underwear from the hats head hole, then unwrapped it to display his treasure, still
in the underwear.

“Here. Its your father’s eye.”

I scratched.

“Go ahead. Try it out”.

fuck it, I thought, free eye

I lifted the patch that shields the innocent from the watery hole where my left eye used to be, and popped it in.

He replaced the Fedora.

“so how’s the view?”

“the cartoon vision is fucking amazing.”

and it was.

no bullshit.

just like the old Disney films.

and he smiled, as if to say,
a lot of people are gonna shoot heroin,
and suck dick for heroin,
and some are going to jump from tall buildings,
and say Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
as they fly down and Splat! on the sidewalk,
but not you Elias,
you’re the man,
wink wink…

he threw his head back and
laughed at the ceiling.



I was fairly certain he was trying to fuck me out of something, but his hilarity was so infectious that I came down with the awfullest case of the Pillsbury Doughboys.

“huh-hoo  huh-hoo”

“huh-hoo  huh-hoo”

and we remained that way for days it seemed,
laughing our asses off, talking, and toking.

and he told me that he’d written some of the Beatles songs,
and practically every song ever,
“at least the good ones anyway.”

“cool, cool, cool”.

He’d handed me his business card:

Jack of Clubs.

Jack of Clubs? What the…?

and as I’d slowly turned it over, he placed his hand on my shoulder,

“Congrats, Elias…

 “yes, yes, yes”

“from this day forward,
your pussy’s gonna burn like a motherfucker.”

We shook.

He left.

4 thoughts on “A. Theist

  1. Maybe it’s just me, but I really thought this was just a lot of HorseShit! Ya see, I remmemma a time wen peeple cud rite! But not no mo! No, all we gits dezz dayz is dis kinna shit!


  2. I thought I would go ahead and post this ‘Poem’ of yours from Goodreads for you.
    It’s Jacksonville
    and it’s the 80’s.
    I’m standing on a sidewalk
    with a bag on my back
    and a lunch pail in hand
    waiting with the other kids
    for the bell to ring.
    The wind is blowing
    through the trees
    making them wave.
    The school is red brick
    with red doors that look
    like a vagina
    and ten feet from the doors
    is a red sign that says stop.
    I hear a car approaching
    and I turn to catch the action.
    A white convertible le baron is
    coming down the road.
    The driver pulls up
    and turns to look at me
    looking at him.
    Behind a pair of aviators
    he wears a trimmed moustache
    and puffy combed back hair
    and a collared shirt
    with an alligator on it.
    80’s music is playing.
    One of the other kids
    turns to look at me
    and I turn to look at him
    and the guy in the le baron
    is looking at us and
    chewing gum.
    Then we both turn to
    look at him.
    As we do
    he leans forward and
    pulls his sunglasses down to
    the end of his nose
    and says

    “Hey kids. You like to party?”
    You’re a real sick fuck, Joe! I hope the FBI finds you before you can hurt anyone – if you haven’t done so already. Oh, and this is why you don’t harass people you don’t know online. They might take it personally!


  3. You’re the only person who’s unaware that you seek me out to flirt with me. You’ve posted the evidence everywhere. Gay bullies are unattractive. Get right with your gayness, then maybe we’ll talk.


    1. There’s nothing queer about me, dirtbag. You thought it a good idea to fuck with me on GR, then your butt-buddy, caruscum joined in to make it a tag team effort. If both of you were in a room with me you’d simply walk away. So since I can’t return the harassment on GR I decided to do it here. Of course, you could complain to this sites moderators, if they have any, and have me blocked. I only have a hundred or more email accounts, so it might take some effort on their part. That, or you could just learn to keep your beak shut! Don’t worry, eventually I’ll tire of harassing you and go away, until then I’ll continue to laugh at all of your sick posts and your sexually deviant replies. Don’t have a good day, tosser!


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