Daniel S. Irwin


Aw, man, rehab.
I asked, “Is this
Really necessary?”
It was just three DUIs,
The nose-candy thing,
And a couple hassles
With disturbing the peace.
It ain’t all that much.
But, no rehab and my
Workin’, bill-payin’ woman
Was gonna cut my ass off
Cold.  No cash, no nookie.
So I got with the program.
Got some mellowing drugs.
Got the shot that made
My tongue stick out.
Attended the boring classes.
Then came the enlightenment:
Backslidin’ was expected,
Actually seen as a part of
The recovery program.
That I could handle.
Sashayed out and had
A scandalously wild week.
Not sure when the cops
Corralled and returned
This heathen to the haven.
Don’t know when or where
I got this tattoo on my weezer.
Got some mellowing drugs.
Got the shot that made
My tongue stick out.
Then, got the bad news.
The state’s done with me.
No insurance, no money,
My woman done gone broke.
They put me on the street.
But still the law said
I gotsta be in a program
Or it’s Sing Sing time.
So now, I got my collar,
My shots, and my leash.
Three days a week,
The ol’ lady takes me
To obedience school.
I’m okay, the Lord knows
That I can hump a leg
With the best of them.

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