Shawn Berman

Stuck At the Bar

March 22, 2020. 10:00 AM

I never thought that I would become one of those stereotypes that everyone laughs about: a pubic hair stuck in a urinal at a bar. How original. But here I am, and I don’t know how this happened. If anyone is out there, please alert the authorities and tell them that Harry (that’s me) is stuck in the 3rd urinal (men’s bathroom) on the second floor of Wolff’s Bieragarten in Troy, NY. I don’t know if a ladder is needed, but it wouldn’t hurt to bring one.

March 22, 2020. 10:20 AM

This is gonna make one helluva screenplay. Who do you think should play me? Maybe The Rock? We have a very similar physique. 

No way that anyone in Hollywood says no to this project. Not a chance. This has Oscar-bait written all over it. 

March 22, 2020. 10:50 AM

My friends are never gonna let me live this one down. Seriously, I’m gonna be the butt of every joke. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to any cookouts or happy hours without them busting my chops. They’re gonna be like, “look who it is, Mr. Harry hou-stuck-in-the-urinal-dini,” or something like that. They’re not the smartest.

March 22, 2020. 11:03 AM

Someone should call my wife and let her know I’m okay. Let her know I won’t be able to pick Junior up from Little League practice tonight.

March 22, 2020. 11:11 AM

I’ve started carving out prison scratch marks on the urinal cake. By my calculations, I have roughly 8 hours left to live, and my resources are running out. Food is minimum. Warmth is also limited. Please send help. I could use a Diet Coke, too.

March 22, 2020. 11:35 AM

Reward: Don’t have much to offer but I have a solid fantasy football league that you can take over. I’m currently in first place and the winner gets a $25 gift card to Chili’s. 

March 22, 2020. 11:37 AM

Starting to feel a little disconnected from reality. Does anyone know Who won RuPaul’s Drag Race? I DVRd it last night but I obviously don’t wanna wait that long to watch it.

March 22, 2020. 12:40 PM

I took a quick nap and when I woke up, I was surrounded by other pubic hairs. They look kinda mean. One of them has a broken heart neck tattoo. Another one is doing push-ups in the corner while his buddy does some bicep curls. They’ve made a line down the middle of the urinal and they told me to stay on my side unless I wanna get beat up. I guess this is it, right?

March 22, 2020. 12:44 PM

#SaveHarryFromTheUrinal. C’mon, y’all. Let’s get it trending!

March 22, 2020. 12:48 PM

Rejoice! Someone is here! Please help me, brother! I have been stranded for hours. Wait, what are you doing? Noooo…stop! Are you sadistic?! What are you doing now? Are you flushing the urinal? Please, I beg you—don’t do that. I have a family at home. A wife. A kid. Don’t do thissssss—

March 22, 2020. 1:08(ish) PM

[A crumpled urine-stained will has been found in urinal #3 of Wolff’s Biergarten by a janitor]

Hi, everyone. Harry here. Welp, if you’re reading this, I guess it turns out I didn’t make it. 

But don’t cry. I lived a full life. A much longer life than expected! It’s a fact that 1/3 pubic hairs will be flushed down in a urinal. It’s an unfortunate statistic but that’s just the territory that comes with being one of us.

To my son, Junior, I leave behind to you my Xbox. Don’t stay up too late playing Fortnite. You are now the man of the house. Take care of your mother for me.

To my wife, Harriette, you are now the proud owner of my super-secret haircare routine. Say au revoir to morning frizz. I’m sorry we didn’t get to say goodbye. I love you.

To everyone else, please don’t waste your money on flowers. They smell terrible. Donate to Junior’s college fund instead. That boy’s gonna be a great artist one day, I just know it. 

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