Bill Suboski

Darker then Amber

Amber would later realize that she had underestimated George. She had been careful when she made contact but George’s lack of intellectual curiosity had lulled her. He had seemed singularly uninterested in learning, an accurate perception on her part. But she was young herself, only thirty-one, and she had made the near fatal error of believing that lack of awareness meant lack of guile. She had forgotten, or never known, that to be unaware is to be unrestrained.

And she didn’t know about George’s former background as a hitman. Her ability enabled her to locate other gifted ones, carefully honing in on the little lights that shone into her world. When she had walked near the plaza she had known. There was a bright light and a dim one, both from above.

The bright light was as expected, one she had seen many times. She didn’t know what to make of the dim one. It puzzled her, but she pressed on.

There was a knock at the door. It was just after eleven am and George had only been up a few minutes. He was still in his robe, about to take a shower. Five had been preparing his breakfast while seven readied his shower and there was a knock at the door. His mother never knocked unexpectedly. All deliveries were expected in advance. This was not just a knock, it was a mystery, a visit without provenance, a knock at the door.

George pressed the Source button on his TV remote and flipped over to the hallway camera. The visitor was a young woman, seen from above and to the side. She was average height and build, with straight black hair in a page boy cut. She wore slacks and a blouse, but George was intrigued by her large breasts. He had never been with a large breasted woman.

Even as he watched she knocked again, and the sound came from both the door behind him and the TV in front of him. He pressed on the customized remote and spoke uncertainly into the microphone.

“May I help you?”

She turned and looked up, to face the camera where his voice came from.

“Actually, I believe I can help you.”

She asked to come in to speak with him. George was wary. He had never actually had a true and normal relationship. He simply did not know how to proceed. He was not fearful of her or cautious to admit her. He was simply uninterested and was about to dismiss her when she said, “You don’t have use of your gift anymore, do you?”

That got his attention but it was a guess on her part. She had never seen a dim light before and she was guessing what it might mean. She suggested that they could meet in a local restaurant. George didn’t leave his penthouse. She knew about gifts. But what clinched the deal for George was the idea of seeing those breasts, albeit still covered, but live and close-up.

It was agreed she would return with lunch at 1 pm. George slipped an hundred dollar bill under the door and said into the remote, “Make it a good one.” He watched her briefly frown on the TV but she took the money and left in the elevator.

George made the girls clean the apartment then shooed them across the hall to his Mother’s. She objected until he peeled off some more bills and said, “Get lost for today.” She sneered at him, and a moment of hesitance, and she almost said, “What are you up to, George?”

But instead she took the money and left in the elevator a few minutes later. He told the entertainment to stay in the other suite until he called for them. In no circumstance would they come back until he called for them. They didn’t care; they both welcomed being out of his company. George was completely unaware and unconcerned – they would be gone

Amber arrived just before one and knocked again. George opened the door, an uncertain smile on his face; he seemed shy. He had nervous tics. He was often awkward and tongue-tied. These were traits she interpreted as endearing and influenced her to overlook the creepier aspects of his personality. Still, the way he kept staring down at her breasts made her skin crawl. She was accustomed to this from men but she still didn’t like it. But as time passed and they talked over the course of the afternoon he did it less and less until by late afternoon he was making steady eye contact.

And the tale he told, halting at first, about life with his oppressive mother. She used her gift to enrich herself and to force George to do her bidding. She could not be resisted. He just wanted to help people. Her powers of certainty and doubt were ineluctable. George just wanted to help people but his mother did not care at all. She physically and mentally abused George. As he had grown he had been more and more insistent with her until one day she used her gift to turn his off. He could no longer help people; he was visibly upset by this. His sorrow moved Amber to tears and when she cried he joined in. She resolved to help him.

It was all a lie, of course, and George was no better at deceit than honesty. But his story was animated by passion and therefore more convincing than if objectively told. Amber had no way to know that that passion originated in grievance rather than injury.

Ellen Bailey had checked into a downtown hotel. She would return home tomorrow. For now, she would try to sleep and to escape her thoughts, just for a night. She had ordered room service, but when the food came she could eat none of it. So many what ifs and should have beens. But at the end of the day, she had failed her only son, and he had failed the world. You killed people, Georgie, and therefore, I have killed people. And I…can’t live with that.

She picked at the cooling lasagna and forced herself to take a bite. These last weeks, since she had shut down his gift, she had known what must happen. She couldn’t face it. At least, not all at once. And so she had tried to approach it by degrees. She did not know who the strange young woman was who had appeared today. But this change, this odd break with routine, George receiving a visitor, could only be bad news.

Everything about George was bad news. He had used his ability to possess that dog a dozen years at the birthday party and he had killed another boy. She knew this; she couldn’t prove it but she knew it. He would sit on the porch when he was a boy and make people passing by stop and give him money. She didn’t have to prove anything. Everything about George was bad news. And that cheerleader, just a few years ago…George had not killed her but he had caused her death.

She had not liked the glint in his eye when he sent her away today. Something was happening. More bad news, more sad news for someone. She had avoided what she must do. But she could no longer.

Tomorrow when she returned home, George would have a terrible accident and she would spend the rest of her life helping others. She would spend the rest of her life making amends and aching to forget. She was able to take another bite and even enjoyed the lasagna. I cannot change what has happened but I can change the unwritten future. She turned on the TV and gazed through some nameless movie and slept deeply and dreamlessly until morning.

George texted Amber when his mother returned the next day. He intercepted Ellen in the hallway and told her he would be sending his girls over again. She appeared defeated. He sneered at her, “Did you have a good night?” but she waved him off.

The two naked girls entered a few minutes later. Ellen hated the sight of them. Everything about them made her feel sick and ashamed. George’s interpretation of sexuality was a perversion of intimacy. His reduction of two young women to mere sexual appliances, and their willingness to be reduced for such boorish reasons as money was a coarse and cruel twisting of connection. Everything about George was bad news. Ellen pointed to the back bedroom and they scurried out of her sight.

A few minutes later there was a knock at the door. Ellen had a growing sense of foreboding, but she answered.

“Mother, I would like you to meet my new friend Amber.”

The younger woman held out her hand in greeting. Ellen reached forward. It was odd to shake another woman’s hand. Amber held the grip and Ellen couldn’t pull away. She took a step backward but this pulled the younger woman toward her. She could not break the grip. She felt something emptying out of her. Then Amber released her hand.

She was unsteady. She almost fell. She watched as Amber put her hand on George’s forehead. George smiled.

“What did you do?”

She heard her own voice, a despairing wail.

“What did you do?”

“She transfers gifts, Mother. That is her gift. She has taken your abilities, stripped them out of you and put them into me. Permanently.”

He turned to Amber.

“Go wait for me in my apartment. Get undressed. Kneel on the floor – knees apart. I want to see those big boobs.”

Amber realized her mistake. In a rush she knew that everything George had told her had been a lie. Her eyes widened with fear. When she transferred powers she felt the ability. And what she had just transferred into George was the power of command. His mother had not ever fully disclosed the scope of her ability. And now it was his. Any command he issued would be obeyed: jump off this bridge, rob this bank, stop breathing.

As she started walking she felt her fingers unbuttoning her blouse. She wanted to vomit. Whatever he said…she would obey. There was no choice. Disobedience was impossible. As she walked into the apartment, removing her blouse, she realized that she was the perfect weapon. He could use her to find and steal the gifts of others. Oh, god, please don’t let him realize that…

Bra off, pants undone, her mind reeled as she began to truly understand what had just happened. She slid her underpants down. The power had informed her as it passed through her. His ability to command others was absolute. He could command anything humanly possible. He couldn’t change the laws of physics or biology. But he could demand total honesty, total disclosure, and total obedience. At least a slave could rebel. She could not.

He could make her remember things that had not happened and forget her best memories. He could command her emotions. He could change who she was. She would have to think as he commanded, believe as he told her. This would be a rape far more complete and total than merely sexual. Even if he didn’t use her as a leech on other gifted he would never let her go. As she knelt naked on the floor, as commanded, she began to comprehend what her new existence would be and she wanted to die.

Suddenly the two lights, one bright and one dim, became two bright ones as George used his mother’s stolen power to reactivate his own gift.

Ellen whispered, barely audible, “Please kill me quickly, George.”

George smiled.

“Thank you, mother. Thank you for everything. I have had fantasies and desires I couldn’t explore even paying the girls. But I don’t need to do that anymore. Now I can just tell them. Every fantasy…my harem. And I have a beautiful new slave – a very useful one with big tits. But my happy household will need a maid, of course. That’s where you come in – maid Ellen.”

“Please, George…kill me.”

TERROR MANNEQUIN, By Douglas Hackle

TERROR MANNEQUIN_cover

TERROR MANNEQUIN,
By Douglas Hackle
201 pages

Douglas Hackle (aka Big Daddy D, aka D-Eazy, aka Tha D-Child, aka Tha D-ster, aka Tha Big Dippa, aka Douggie-Style, aka Tha Douginator, aka The Dougerizer, aka Dazzlin’ Dizzy-D McNasty, aka Dig-Dug McDoogenstein McDrizzle, aka DJ Dougzilla von Chillmasta, aka Fyodor Dougstoevsky, et al.) is up to his old tricks again and possibly a few new ones with the release of his latest novel, TERROR MANNEQUIN.

***
Forty-year-old Glont Lamont is a longtime employee of Fun 4-Life Corporation, where he gets paid good money to play videos games, watch TV, get drunk, get high, devour pizza, ride the company roller coaster, take long-ass naps, and toss off like a madman in an insane asylum. There’s only one problem: Glont’s sick of his job! Nowadays, all he really wants to do is work long, grueling shifts 7-days-a-week doing any sort of awful, backbreaking, tedious, demoralizing, soul-crushing, severely undercompensated labor.

But with Halloween just a few days away, Glont has more important things to worry about than his workplace woes. Namely, he must take his two “freak” nephews out reverse trick-or-treating, which is a form of annual ritualistic tribute whereby the cruel townspeople force his nephews to walk door-to-door on Halloween night to hand out candy to people instead of receiving candy themselves.

And this year, the last stop on the trio’s reverse trick-or-treating itinerary is Fallingwater—built on a natural waterfall, Frank Lloyd Wright’s world-famous architectural masterpiece is now closed to the public and allegedly haunted by an evil supernatural entity known as TERROR MANNEQUIN…

BUY A COPY HERE

***
Praise for TERROR MANNEQUIN:

“If you want a Halloween read unlike any other, you’re gonna wanna pick this one up.” –Gregor Xane, author of Brides of Hanover Block

“Very weird, very gory, and very funny. Douglas Hackle has written the literary equivalent to The Toxic Avenger, a blood-soaked, genre-defying, anti-horror novel.” Danger Slater, author of Impossible James

More praise for Douglas Hackle:

“Hackle may be the best absurdist story writer working today.” –Bradley Sands, author of Dodgeball High

“…the best bizarro absurdist in the business.” –Amy M. Vaughn, author of Skull Nuggets

 

 

 

Jack Henry

right on a red light in NYC

they say
you shouldn’t turn right
on a red light in NYC
but i am not from NYC
and didn’t realize
that at 2am that rule
remained valid

she said
‘what if a cop saw you?’
i said
‘i guess i’d get a ticket
i’d never pay’

sitting on the couch
she asked permission
to suck my dick
and i smiled
‘why ask?’

it should have taken longer
but i’m impatient
in many different ways

we agreed to meet up
again
in three days

i found my car
and drove away
headed toward Connecticut
but not before
i turned right on a red light

one more time

Anthony Dirk Ray

Night Moves

at a strip club
in Theodore, Alabama
white trash redneck
ambiance
it’s dark
but neon lights illuminate
the toothless meth-heads
with tits

“coming to the stage,
charlotte”
says the dj

then it is seen

a half naked woman
in bra and thong
takes the stage

only one thing

she has one normal arm
and one little chicken wing arm

she tries her best to be sexy
prancing around the stage
then the pole work begins

she rests her little deformed arm
on the pole
and walks around it
normally girls would be
swinging and twirling

my friend pity tips her

I thought
this is fucked up
she should be waitressing
at least she has
one good arm
to hold the tray

Ben Fitts

Big Ol’ Jelly Boy

I’m full of jelly. I’m a big ol’ jelly boy!

There’s jelly in my tummy, and there’s jelly in my arms and in my legs and in my feet and in my face and in my pee-pee. I’m full of so much jelly that I could pop, so I don’t use sharp objects. No number two pencils, sewing needles, thumbtacks, vaccines or steak knives for this big ol’ jelly boy.

Sometimes I wish that wasn’t full of so much jelly. Then I would be like all the other boys and girls, who mostly aren’t full of jelly.

I waddle across the classroom, putting one foot in front of the other with big ol’ jelly-filled steps. It will be faster if I get on my side and roll across the floor because I’m pretty much a big ol’ ball of jelly, but that’s not safe. If there’s anything pointy enough on the floor, I would burst open and spray jelly everywhere and all over the other boys and girls in class would be covered in my jelly and that would be bad.

Teacher sees me taking my big ol’ jelly steps and her face gets all tight like someone is pinching her skin. You can tell that she isn’t full of any jelly at all.

“Come on, Smucker. Walk faster, I need to get everyone to recess,” says Teacher. “You can’t keep holding everyone up like this.”

Teacher doesn’t like big ol’ jelly boys.

“Teacher, I’m walking as fast as I can,” I say. “It’s hard for me to move fast, because I’m full of so much jelly.”

Teacher rolls her eyes. It seems like she is making a very big show of rolling her eyes, because I don’t think her eyes need to move that fast just to see things.

“You’re going to use that excuse your whole life, aren’t you?” says Teacher. “No matter how much you inconvenience and burden the people around you, you’re just going to act like you’re the victim because you’re so full of jelly. Is that really how you intend to live, Smucker?”

I don’t really understand what Teacher is saying, but I can tell that it isn’t nice. I don’t say anything back to Teacher, but I stop taking my big ol’ jelly-filled steps forward and look down at my sneakers.

“Oh, and now you’re done moving entirely. Great,” says Teacher. “All the other boys and girls are lined up by the door, but they still can’t go to recess yet because the boy who filled himself up with jelly has decided that he’s done walking.”

I think that Teacher is confused about my jelly.

“Teacher, I didn’t mean to fill myself up with jelly,” I say. “It was an accident that happened to me when I was little, and it makes things very hard for me.”

“Hard for you?” says Teacher. “I’m the one who has to deal with getting you from class to recess to gym to art class to lunch and back again with wasting all the other kid’s time. I’m the one who has to keep anything sharper than a fork away from you so you don’t pop open. I’m the one who has to spend all day looking at your gross, jelly-bloated body.

“You get to spend all day waddling around without a second thought to everyone else’s time and the places we have to go and things we have to do. You get to spend all day converting the excess jelly in your body into nutrients while the rest of us have to worry about feeding ourselves. If the fact that you’re filled with jelly makes life hard for anyone, it’s me. You have no idea what a selfish luxury you’ve given yourself.”

Teacher likes to use lots of big words that I don’t know, but I get the gist of what she’s saying.

I look at all the boys and girls, lined up by the door and ready to go to recess. They look at me with annoyed eyes. I’m the reason they aren’t outside right now, running around and screaming and throwing balls at each other’s faces. None of them are full of jelly, so they don’t understand and Teacher hasn’t helped.

“You shouldn’t be so mean. You’re the teacher,” I say. “I don’t like having to take so long to walk anywhere and I don’t like having to worry that I might pop open and splat everywhere and I don’t like that I make things hard for the people around me, so stop being so mean, Teacher.”

“I’m not being mean, I’m just telling it like it is,” says Teacher. “It’s the nicest thing anyone will ever do for you, kid. Your life is going to be so easy from now on just because you filled yourself with jelly as a toddler, and it’s going to be easy at the expense of everyone else.

“You’re going to handicapped parking spots and extra time that you don’t need on your SATs. Colleges are going to let you in so you can be a statistic and photo-op for their brochure and employers and going to give you jobs for the tax rebate, and all the while you’ll be taking opportunities away from more qualified people who actually deserve them but had the misfortune of not having once been an idiot child who filled themselves up with jelly. Now stop feeling bad for yourself and get over here so we can go to recess.”

I start to cry. I can’t see my tears, but I know that they’re purple and sticky and go good on toast. My tears always do.

Teacher sighs.

“And now the fat little jelly boy is crying,” says Teacher. “Great, great, great. I love this job and it’s totally worth the thirty-four grand a year they pay me to put up with this.”

Teacher walks over to me with the fast steps of a person who isn’t full of jelly. She grabs me by my shoulder and leads me over to the other boys and girls waiting in line.

I see the point of the number two pencil sticking out of her pocket a moment too late.

I open my mouth to say something but before I can, the pencil jabs into my jelly-filled arm. It breaks through my skin and touches the jelly beneath.

I go pop and there is jelly everywhere.

I guess that’s the end of this big ol’ jelly boy.

Matthew Licht

JH ghost1

A Big Start, Part 7 (Finale)

The guy at the reception desk had a checkerboard on the counter. His nose was deep in a book of chess problems. He said, wait a minute. I slammed the bell until he understood that having me wait a minute wouldn’t help him work out a new opening gambit or endgame. He muttered something that included “Ofay.” I flashed a C-note. A fifth of it was his, if he’d buzz my room to let me know if two middle-aged women with sweet-sounding names checked in.

The room had a TV set. Adult entertainment was available on closed circuit.

Holmes knew how to treat a lady, at least on-screen. His co-stars were all smiles when the act was done.

The chess wizard in the lobby called to say a couple white chicks just checked into the Matrimonial Suite as Kitty Moisten and Mary Widow. The ladies were regulars. He wanted his $20 before he knocked off and the night man took over.

I doused porn-o-vision, walked down the hall past an ice machine and a room with a Do Not Disturb sign permanently painted under the doorknob as a matrimonial touch. I put my ear to the door and heard rushing water.

I exited the motel from a side staircase without passing reception, got twenties from the Sea Gull’s cashier. No good handing an unbroken C-note to a guy who probably practiced magic tricks between solo chess games.

I snapped the bill. “What do the ladies look like?”

“White girls,” he said, and made a grab for the dough. He might’ve been good at chess, but wasn’t quick with his hands. “Both of ‘em tall, with dark hair.”

“That ain’t much.”

“You just said to call your room.”

“I mean, did you notice anything else about them?”

“They got your same taste in movies.”

He sniggered. I gave him twenty bucks.

I loitered in the lobby, crossed the street for dinner and a beer at the Sea Gull. At 10 o’clock, I retrieved the John Holmes nametag from my car, pinned it back on and knocked on the Matrimonial Suite’s door.

“What is it?” Kitty Moisten or Mary Widow sounded displeased at being disturbed despite the sign.

“Pizza delivery.”

Whispers. “Someone says we ordered pizza.”

“Tell them to go away.”

“But it’s like…” Unintelligible.

The door opened on mature women wrapped in towel togas. Background TV glare bathed the scene in blue light. The sound was off. A dresser mirror reflected adult entertainment.

“So where’s the pizza?”

“Look at his name tag!”

“Get in here, stupid.”

The lady standing closest made a grab. The other lady shut the door on her friend’s towel. The towel got stuck.

The lady who pulled me in punched my chest. “Say the line,” she said. “If you’re going to do this, do it right.”

The nude woman behind me twittered. “It worked! I can’t believe it.”

The woman who punched me wheeled and slugged her shower buddy on the arm. Her towel hit the ground too. “Shut up! How do we know he’s for real?”

They looked expectant.

I fumbled. “Uh well, I gues there ain’t no pizza after all.”

The air was steamy. Everything was out in the open all too soon.

The punchy one said, “It’s not him.”

“But he’s here.”

Motel life turned metaphysical. A glowing woman emerged on a cloud of steam from the bathroom. I would’ve been scared, but she seemed friendly. Her smile was familiar.

The client, Mr Johnson, said his mother was dead, but there she was. She looked as happy a she did on TV. Honey and Sadie didn’t look up, didn’t seem to know she was there, but they moved aside when she knelt down between them.

After an eon or two, the waifish wraith said, “How do you feel?”

Deadly porn dialogue seemed appropriate, but I felt like crying. “Havin’ the time of my life.”

She beamed forgiveness. She’d heard all those lines before.

“Talk like a human being,” she said. “Go on, try.”

I tried. “You ladies are a dream.”

“These two are ladies, not me. And I’m not even a dream. Just here and there and gone. But do you like what you’re doing?”

 “A man hired me to find out who his father was, or wasn’t. He said you’re his mother. He showed me a scene where you and John Holmes were together, at least on film.”

“His story’s true,” she said, and moved aside so Sadie could cut in. Sadie’s eyes stayed closed.

The mystery brunette watched. “Johnson’s my son,” she said, “and John’s. But he wants to be sure, for the wrong reasons.”

“What wrong reason could there be for wanting to know who your father is?”

She looked sad that I couldn’t figure it out. “He just wants to turn a buck. He wants legal proof so his story will hold up in court. He wants the name, the rights, and royalties.”

“Maybe so, but I took the job. Would you tell me where John Holmes is buried? I got a feeling these two don’t know.”

“Nobody knows. These two girls come here together to conjure the spirit of love.”

“I thought love was different.”

“You don’t feel the love here now?”

Her smile faded. I almost yelled a line from a disco hit that was popular then. “I do,” I said. Sadie and Honey either couldn’t hear, or didn’t let on. It wasn’t a wedding, after all.

“Love is love,” the spirit said. “Even if you do it for money. Money isn’t real.”

She said it as though she were revealing a deep secret. “My son might’ve hired you, but from now on you work for me.”

I couldn’t tell her Johnson’s money was real enough. Couldn’t explain the man retained people who’d deal with me if I screwed him. She took me into another world, and then I couldn’t see her any more.

There was another man behind the reception desk when I checked out. He said a pretty lady had dropped something off for me. He’d tried to buzz my room.

He slid a manila envelope across the counter.

I opened it in the car. Inside was a plastic bag printed LAPD and EVIDENCE. The bag was full of smaller bags with case numbers written on in blue ballpoint. “Hair specimen, pubic.” “Poss. blood sample.” Another bag contained a stained scrap of towel: “Semen sample: AB-/secretor”.

The package looked hideously genuine. The client would believe it’d been obtained it through private investigator skulduggery.

Back at Mr Johnson’s Hollywood Hills home, I accepted final payment. He would’ve been suspicious if I hadn’t. In exchange, he got the Bag from Beyond. When he asked how I got it, I said, “Don’t ask.”

Johnson smirked. He probably owned a private DNA lab.

Everything would come back negative. Justice of a kind would be done.

On my way out, I asked Johnson what his mother’s real name was and if he knew where she was buried.

John Holmes was cremated, his ashes scattered at sea. He’d made charitable donations towards dolphin welfare.

Nancy Ebbett Johnson’s last wish was to lie beside her show biz colleagues in Hollywood’s hallowed ground. The graveyard’s caretaker took five bucks and a pint bottle for a grave number, even though he would’ve given the information free. I left flowers, chocolates and a heart-shaped note that said, “Love is love.”

jh ghost finale

A Big Star, Part 1
A Big Star, Part 2
A Big Star, Part 3
A Big Star, Part 4
A Big Star, Part 5
A Big Star, Part 6

David Estringel

Kiss Me, Again, Again, and Again

The coppery taste of meat beneath your sweet breath lingers
like a penny on the tip of my tongue.
Heads or tails?
Can’t lose—
Lucky me.
My equilibrium’s fucked raw,
as my hands drink-in the warm curvature of your hips.
O, glorious spit—
a little dab will do ya—
streaked red and hot,
never take me from this place,
leaving me
haunted by the ghost of that breath—
your Heaven,
your Hell—
that leaves me…
quivering.
Words can’t capture what’s smeared on this cheek
by fingers,
sticky and sweet—
so why try.
Kiss me,
again,
again,
and again,
in that white muslin dress of thigh-stretched daisies
that roll and grin like morning shadows,
smiling at secrets hidden in dark places.

 

(Originally published at Terror House Magazine)

Jack Henry

prayers

she suggests we pray
my eyes gaze up
at her
bewildered
‘now?’ i ask

i push her legs wider
move in
closer

i resume

‘maybe not,’
she says breathlessly

i listen to the clock
ticking
a cat
meowing
a door
squeaking

‘you should stop,’
she says
abruptly

i comply

‘we should pray’

she kneels next to me
on the motel floor
hands folded
eyes closed
‘heavenly father…’
she starts

five minutes pass
her sins washed
‘where were we?’
she asks
we resume
my prayer

answered

James Babbs

I Hear the Train A-comin’

I’m getting drunk again
Johnny Cash filling the room
and I think
I need some more whiskey
because
I haven’t drowned myself yet
and I’m floating
I’m floating around the room
it’s after midnight
and I don’t care
sleep doesn’t come so easy
anymore
most of the time
I just end up drinking
until I pass out
sleeping wherever I fall down
and dreaming that same dream
where I’m tied to the tracks
and I can see the light
bearing down on me
and the whistle blowing
while I’m struggling with the ropes
trying to get myself free
and when the train’s
almost on top of me
the whistle sounds like a scream
the light blinds me
and that’s when I always shut my eyes
and I keep them closed
for a really long time
and I try not to breathe
when I open my eyes again
I watch the train
changing
into a thousand white horses
and all of them turning
at the exact same moment
in the same instant they all turn
and run away
in the opposite direction
but I’m still sitting there
tangled among the ropes
my face wet with tears
and the wind turning cold

between the two of us
Thomas was the real writer
words always came so
easy to him
for me
it was a constant struggle
because
there was so much I wanted to say
but I was always afraid
of not being able to say it
in the right way
the way it sounded in my head
and my terrible fear of failure
kept hanging me up
but Thomas always gave me encouragement
he said
I just needed more confidence
he said
I needed to stop
thinking about it so much
and just write
whenever I let him read
something I had written
I would tell him
it’s not very good
but when he was finished
he would always tell me
it was better than I thought
Thomas wrote a weekly column
for the college newspaper
whatever was on his mind
he always impressed me
with his ability to take
the most mundane things
and turn them into something meaningful
I don’t know
how many times I told him
he was going to be
a famous writer someday
and I would get to tell people
I knew him when
oftentimes
it was after I was drunk
and I felt the urge to talk
and talk
until Thomas finally stood up
laughing
when he told me
to shut the fuck up

I’m alone on the train
and outside
the lights keep flashing
past all the windows
and I can hear the wheels
clanging against the rails
I don’t where I’m going
I feel like there’s something wrong
but I don’t know how or why
I get up
and walk to the front of the car
letting my hands touch
the back of each seat
as I move down the aisle
I hear someone
whispering my name
but when I turn around
nobody’s there
I see the door closing
leading into the next car
and I hurry in there
only to find it empty
I hear someone laughing
and it reminds me of
some drunken laughter
from a long time ago
and I walk all the way
down the aisle
until I reach the end of the car
I think I see movement
among the shadows or
maybe
it’s just the coming
and the going of the lights
I walk into the next car
and it’s empty
just like the other two
but there’s a noise
coming from the far end
and I run down there
but don’t find anything
and the next car
and the next one
and always the emptiness
always something
pulling me forward
and the lights keep flashing
in the windows
and I hear the sound of the wheels
when I reach the last car
I walk to the end of it
and stand there
looking through the glass
seeing nothing but the darkness
when I turn from the window
and start moving up the aisle
I find an old man
dressed in rags
asleep in one of the seats
he looks familiar to me
but I don’t know his name
for all I know
he could be dead
because
no matter how much
I shake him
he doesn’t open his eyes

I remember some of the parties
Thomas and I went to
getting so drunk
and laughing
just having a good time
sometimes
Thomas made things up
about the two of us
like telling girls
we were both reporters
doing an investigation
on underage drinking
and we needed to check their IDs
or he would pretend to be
a concerned big brother
looking for his little sister
he would make up a name for her
and ask the girls if they knew her
then he’d ask for their names
and where they lived
and he’d write all of it down
in the little notebook
he carried around with him
sometimes
he even got their phone numbers
one time
this really drunk guy
bumped into me
and started picking a fight
for no good reason
and Thomas came over
asking him
how he was doing
Thomas told the guy
he looked familiar
Thomas asked him
if they went to school together
the guy just gave Thomas
a funny look
then the guy said
no
oh
said Thomas
it must’ve been your mother
and we both walked away
leaving the guy
standing there
just looking confused
when we were far enough away
I couldn’t hold it anymore
and I just burst out laughing
Thomas and I met Vicki
at one of the parties
I saw her first
laughing
and stumbling out of the bathroom
she lost her balance
and fell into me
when I caught her
she pushed against my body
and gave me a kiss
but later that night
she went home with Thomas
and they started seeing each other
for awhile after that
kind of on-again
off-again
and whenever I saw her
we talked about a lot of things
but we never talked about that kiss
sometimes
at the end of those nights
Thomas and I
would go back to our apartment
and continue our drinking
carrying on
long discussions about writing
and music
and women
and life
all of those memories
flooding my brain
until it’s difficult
for me to breathe
and I reach for the bottle
leaning back from the table
and pour myself another drink

sunday morning
and the phone’s ringing
sunday morning
and who the fuck’s calling me
at this hour of the day
I pick it up
and mumble hello
hey
I’m sorry
did I wake you up
Vicki’s voice
I say
yeah
okay
she says
do you want me
to call back later
I tell her
no
it’s okay
how are you doing
she tells me
she can’t sleep
because
she’s always thinking about
too many things
and I say
yeah
I know what you mean
she laughs
but it sounds sad
Vicki says
hey
remember the Halloween party
I say
yeah
I remember
Thomas came dressed
in just a diaper
carrying a baby bottle
filled with beer
Vicki says
yeah
he looked so funny
I say
he asked some girl
if she’d breast feed him
and the girl slapped him
and without
missing a beat
Thomas started wailing
just like a baby
it was so funny
Vicki says
yeah
later on
I remember him
out in the middle of the room
acting like a baby
stumbling around
trying to walk
of course
he was pretty drunk
by then
I say
yeah
shit
I forgot about that
and I laugh
Vicki says
he gave me a story
I say
really
yeah
she says
it was about a dog
with super powers
but he kept them
hidden from people
he only used them
around other animals
I say
oh yeah
Vicki says
I know
it wasn’t like
any other story
Thomas ever wrote
I don’t know
maybe that’s why
he gave it to me
I say
yeah
then neither one of us
says anything for awhile
finally I say
hey
I’m going back to sleep
Vicki says
okay
I ask her
if she wants to meet me later
somewhere for dinner
I tell her
I want to hear
more about that story
she doesn’t answer me
right away
then she says
yeah
okay
that sounds good
I say
okay
I’ll call you later
she says
okay
bye
I say
goodbye
she says
and hangs up the phone
I’m thinking
about the funeral
how Vicki stayed
so close to me
the whole time
how she didn’t know
what else to do
and I was glad
she was there with me
but I never said anything
after the funeral
we rode home together
Vickie said
please
I don’t want to
be alone tonight
on our way back
we got stuck at
a railroad crossing
a long
slow moving train
and some of the cars
waiting behind us
got out of the line
and drove back
the way they had come
but Vicki and I
stayed there
we didn’t say anything
we just sat there
watching the train move past
we didn’t have
any place to go

I remember that morning
I wanted to sleep
but Thomas came in my room
and told me to get up
he kept pulling the blankets
off of my bed
and turning all the lights on
I said
hey
what the hell
come on
Thomas said
I want to take my column
over to the paper
I said
so
what’s that got to do with me
he said
hey
I want you to come with me
hit the bars this afternoon
I said
what time is it
Thomas said
eleven
so get the fuck up
I think we made it
over to the paper
around eleven-thirty
and then we had lunch
at one of our usual haunts
Thomas told me
some girl
wanted to meet him
at one of the bars
so we went over there
and we started drinking
the day slipped past us
it seemed like
so many other days
and later on
nine or ten o’clock
maybe earlier
maybe later
I’m not sure
and I’d already
crossed over the tracks
started up the embankment
on the other side
I thought
Thomas was right behind me
so I turned to look back
wanting to see
exactly where he was
and
I saw him laughing
stumbling across the rails
but there was the train
and Thomas should’ve waited
why didn’t he wait
the train was too close
the whistle was blowing
and I saw the light
like a big bright eye
looking through the darkness
I started to call his name
I opened my mouth
and nothing came out
I heard the train
screaming to a halt
I closed my eyes
because
I knew
I knew it was too late

it’s a school night
and I’m suppose to be asleep
but I can see the light
from the street
coming through the window
the shadows of trees
fluttering on the wall
it’s almost ten o’clock
and I hear the whistle blowing
in the distance
the train approaching from the west
it’s a freight train
it doesn’t have any passengers
passing through the middle of town
the way it always does
every night
around ten o’clock
I hear the sound
the wheels make
clanging against the rails
before it all fades out
and the train moves on
heading to the next town
later
when I shudder awake
I’m uncertain
whether or not the train was real
or something I just dreamed about
and I stumble over
the electric train set
when I get out of my bed
I see the black steam engine
turned over on its side
the coal car lying upside down
and the little plastic people
standing around
with blank looks
on their plastic faces
and I always wanted to put
the track on a piece of plywood
I wanted to have all kinds of buildings
and trees and houses and cars
and all kinds of people
I wanted to set up a whole town
a place where the train
would come and go
and the children would wave
as it passed by
and there would be laughter in the air
and everyone would always be happy
I wanted my own town
where nothing would ever change
some place I could always return to
whenever I felt like it

John D Robinson

A Good Night Out

‘I got home about 3am, I was
slaughtered, booze, cocaine and
grass, I was good, I was alive,
you know, I put on some sounds
and then I passed-out: a
couple of hours later I came
too as my front door was
being smashed-open: I got
up to see 4 police officers
walking towards me, 1 of
the officer’s turned off the
deafening music, another
of the officers began
exploring my apartment
whilst the other 2 explained
to me that they were called
numerous times about
excessive noise: I knew I
was fucked: I had several
healthy marijuana plants
growing in the bathroom:
I was busted for anti-social
behaviour, noise pollution,
breach of the peace and
cultivation with intent to
supply: I was handed a hefty
fine and 100 hours of
community service work,
two years probation,
‘it was just bad luck at the
end of a fucking
good night out’
he told me