The Tongue Bandit
Pussy hunting. No, not hunting, snaring. Yes, snaring. Pussy snaring. That’s what I’m good at. Was, good at, he thought, lying in bed, his coffee machine beginning to percolate. But I couldn’t tell my career advisor that, now could I?! Or that I’m retired. Mind you, I’d step out of pussy snaring retirement for her… Nah, I don’t need to, no matter how sexy she is. What was her name again? Oh yeah, Miss Frost. Lauren? Yeah, Lauren Frost.
He rolled over in bed, onto his back, his morning wood pulsating, pushing at the duvet. “Now look at what you’ve done, Lauren,” he said, smiling, pulling the covers back, revealing his lean, athletic body.
“And what would you like me to do with that, Mr Asham?” he imagined her saying. “Or may I call you Daniel?”
“Daniel, please,” he said, wrapping his hand around his fat prick, giving it a few gentle strokes, his bell-end moist, tacky. “Fuck. Feels good.”
Yeah, you can’t beat the old-fashioned way, he thought, a chuckle escaping him, his mind filling with Lauren, sitting behind her desk at the job centre, her legs, clad in tights, on display to the thigh, her skirt rucked up; a hint of pink knickers showing.
Fucking tease. I’m sure she knows what she’s doing, he continued to muse, rubbing his dick. She’s probably seen the posts about me all over social media, too. Yeah, so maybe I should have spoken to her about my sexploits, which got me fired from teaching.
“And why was I canned? Because of that old, dried-up spinster twat in HR,” Daniel said between gritted teeth, removing his hand from off his knob and getting out of bed. “The hag was sore because I crushed her advances.”
“It’s such a shame you won’t use that magic tongue on my pussy, Daniel,” Vera said, cornering him outside the men’s room at work. “I can make things very uncomfortable for you around here.”
“I’m a changed man.”
“Pft, men like you never change. Come on, it can be our little secret,” she winked.
A shiver racked his body, his cock wavered, as he envisioned the hairy, witch-like wart at the end of her nose. Almost enough to put me off my morning wank, let alone my coffee, he thought. Maybe it wasn’t so much as the rejection, but how I laughed in her face? Fuck sake, the woman stank worse than wet dog. And would it hurt her to wear a bra? Christ.
Daniel tried to push the thoughts of her aside, but couldn’t, her voice coming again.
“Go ahead, laugh,” she said, her face taking on a stern, cloudy look. “But I know all about the posts online, regarding you. How you give women multiple orgasms with your tongue, making them pass out, sending them into spasms… Please, Daniel. Just once,” she tried again, putting a hand to his shoulder.
“No!” he said, removing her chubby paw.
“No need to attack me,” she said, storming off.
Before he could retaliate, she’d gone, stomping off down the corridor, her huge, pendulous arse swinging wild like cow’s ears flapping in the wind.
Didn’t take long, did it? he thought, before the hierarchy had their claws in me. The vultures circled, waiting to shred flesh with their finely manicured talons; their pristine grins dripping poison. Their acidic tongues ready to strike.
“We hate to do this to you Daniel,” the dean said, his generals at his heels, “because you’re a fantastic professor, but we can’t have such perversion and negativity around the university, so, we’re letting you go.”
Wankers, he thought, going to the percolator, his soft dick swaying, his hand balling into a fist, as he thought about Denton, his boss, turning his laptop around to show Daniel the Tongue Bandit posts Vera had brought to his attention. They showed photos of Daniel, along with huge rants from jilted lovers, labelling him the Tongue Bandit.
At least the anonymous posters used handsome photos of me, he thought, sniggering, filling a mug with coffee.
Daniel arched his back, raising his arms into the air, and yawned. His bones cracked and creaked as he rotated his head, working the sleep cramp and stiffness out of his neck. “Better,” he said, throwing the bedroom curtains open, allowing sunlight to pour in, drenching his nude form in a warm, basking embrace.
“Mmm,” he said, ruffling his hair, grabbing his mug of coffee, taking a mouthful before settling back down on his bed to think about Lauren. About her legs and tight blouse, and how the outline of her bra had revealed itself to him. His dick grew.
The Tongue Bandit has retired, he thought, but I can never be a one woman man, so staying out of the fairer sexes way will be for the best. No more crushing hearts, fucking up already unstable ladies (even though the crazy ones are the best fuck), and leading them on. Time to concentrate on me.
When his cock was at its hardest, Daniel opened the drawer to his bedside cabinet and removed the Fleshlight 6000. It was the latest model on the market, unavailable to purchase in the UK. However, through dodgy black markets and online fences, he’d tracked one down.
“If you’re looking to remove the ladies from your life, painstaking dates and/or internet porn, then this is the tool for you, sir,” the online sales rep pitched him, when purchasing the cock-pleaser.
“Why’s it banned in the UK?” he asked.
“Because it hasn’t been fully approved by the British health and safety board, but rest assured, it’ll be the best purchase of your life. Or, your money back!”
The salesperson hadn’t been wrong, either, Daniel thought, looking at the fleshlight, which had a realistic pussy at its base, complete with g-spot that could be licked, sucked and nibbled on. Hell, the thing even reacted to being fucked and stimulated, by releasing moans of pleasure through a tiny speaker and pussy juices from a slit.
Daniel turned the expensive device over in his hand, admiring its sleek black curves and array of multi-function buttons, from speed to massage settings. This thing could do it all, apart from make you coffee.
“I think I’ve finally got a name for you, baby,” he smiled. “Lauren.”
Daniel switched the device on, its soft hum making his prick twitch. Before slipping the hood of the device over his hard-on, easing into Laurean’s soft, pink fleshy bit, he put his mouth to the device’s g-spot and let his tongue work its witchcraft. His mind wondered, selecting certain head-swelling comments from the various posts about him online.
“He’ll make you fall in love with him through his sexpertise, before casting you aside for another,” one had read.
“Best fuck I’ve ever had. Typical love rat,” another said.
“I’ve never come so many times. Bastard,” a third had put.
A smile split Daniel’s face, as he licked and sucked at Lauren’s clit, making the fleshlight moan and squirt, hitting a 10 plus on its pleasure meter.
“The Tongue Bandit strikes again,” a fourth lady had posted
“How apt, should that quote come to mind,” Daniel thought, smiling, as he eased the sex toy away from his mouth, pulling strings of pussy juice mixed with saliva from his lips. “Mm, you taste great this morning, Miss Frost,” he said, his cock bobbing. “I think he wants you…”
At that moment, his phone buzzed, but he ignored it. However, his mobile persisted, breaking his concentration.
“Christ,” Daniel said, setting his toy to one side, picking his phone up and illuminating its screen. “A bloody email,” he uttered, about to replace his mobile, when he saw the mail had been sent by an L. Frost. “Is she psychic?”
With a chuckle, he opened the message.
What a time for her to send me a job alert, he thought.
‘Hiya Daniel, I was wondering if I could see you this morning or later today, maybe a house call? I might have something of interest to you. If so, give me a call on the number below. It’s my private line. Lauren. X’
“Shit, she signed off with a kiss,” he said. “Must have been a mistake. A slip of the finger.”
Had it been anyone else, about anything, even an emergency at this moment in time, with his cock raging, he would have ignored it. But that kiss, even though he was convinced it was an error, got his fingers moving and dialling her number, as he slipped the fleshlight over his cock.
I’ll probably nut at the sound of her voice, he thought. Shit. She wants a house visit! I didn’t think career advisors did that…
She answered on the second ring.
“Miss Frost?” he said.
“Speaking.”
“Oh, hey, it’s Daniel. You asked me to call?” he said, trying to play it smooth, the tremble in his voice betraying him, as the vibrator lethargically massaged the tip of his prick. He bit his lip.
“I’m glad you’ve called,” she hesitated. “I trust you can be discreet?”
His guts dropped, his load almost shooting out of him. Jesus, the kiss may not have been a mistake after all. “Of course,” he said.
“I’ve seen the stories about you, the, erm—”
“The Tongue Bandit stuff?” he said, sniggering.
“Yes,” she said, which was nothing more than a whisper, and Daniel could almost feel her blushes through the phone, her heat radiating, “which might be a barrier for you when it comes to interviews or references.”
“Why don’t you come over, as suggested, so we can discuss it face-to-face,” he said, smiling, easing the vibrator up and down his shaft. “What do you say?”
“I can come right now?” she said. “I just need to gather a few things first.”
Oh, you’ll be coming alright, he thought. “Yes,” he said. “I’ll text you my address.”
“Great,” she said. “Can’t wait.”
After hanging up, Daniel sent her his details and replaced his fleshlight to the drawer. Well, I did say I’d step out of retirement for her, he thought, smiling. And they say word of mouth’s dead? A fit of laughter escaped him.
An hour later, there was a knock at his front door. Forgoing clothes, even underwear, Daniel rushed downstairs and opened up, which was the last thing he remembered, as something hard and heavy struck him in the face. His world turned black.
“Oh, good, you’re awake,” a woman said.
“Wha—” Daniel said, blinking, failing to shake the fog from his vision. When he tried to move, he couldn’t, his wrists and ankles lashed to the bed. “The fuck?!”
“Are these your trophies?” a woman asked.
When he looked up, a pile of knickers in all shapes, styles, sizes and colours smacked him in the face, with most landing on his lap.
“Dirty bastard,” she said. “Still, you shot me down, didn’t you! Not good enough? Young enough? Sexy enough?”
“Vera!” Danial said. “What? How?” he stuttered, unable to form thoughts and sentences.
She smiled. “Oh, how the tables have turned, eh?” she smiled. “You never were very good at attention to detail, were you?”
The perplexed look splashed across his face told her that she needed to spell it out for him. “Too busy thinking about whose pussy you were going to entertain next, I suppose, to realise what was going on around you. Frost. Vera Frost. Lauren’s my sister,” she said, pulling her dress up, removing her knickers. One more pair for your collection, Danial. Your final pair, I dare say.”
Now it was her turn to laugh, as he fought against his restraints.
“She told me all about this handsome man at the job centre, who couldn’t keep his eyes off her, and when I heard your name. Well, I’m sure you’re smart enough to put the rest together yourself. Now, open wide,” Vera said, walking towards him, her thunder thighs chafing, shedding skin like a cheese grater.
“God, no. Please,” he said, watching her climb onto the bed, her huge frame towering over him.
“It’s been a long time since my kitty was fed, Daniel,” she said, lowering her hairy, dripping cunt onto his face, that had bits of toilet paper stuck in it. “Now, be a good boy, and use that epic appendage of yours, and you might just live to tell the tale,” Vera laughed, grinding her moistness against his mouth, his nose rubbing her clit. “God, that’s it,” she began to moan, arching her back, running her hands through her long, greasy and tangled hair. “Right there…Oooh, don’t stop.”
As she rode his face, her belly fat jiggling and crashing against him, she came, and came again, as he thrashed beneath her
“Ugh…” he moaned. “I can’t breathe…” With a gasp, Daniel’s body started to spasm.
“Yes, oh God, yes! Keep going,” Vera squealed. “Let’s see if you can get me there once more, Tongue Bandit, before you tap out for good, and I take that wagging organ of yours with me as my trophy,” she said, his death throes making her gush.
Horror Sleaze Trash 