Alex S. Johnson

Greed-Aid: Press Release

In an era where billionaires struggle to launch themselves into space on mere pocket change, Greed-Aid stands as a beacon of hope for our beleaguered corporate overlords. This star-studded spectacle aims to raise awareness and critical funds for entities that barely scrape by on billions in quarterly profits. The event will feature a lineup of heavily-sponsored artists performing their greatest hits while wearing logos so large they’re visible from failing corporate satellites.

“We’ve seen countless charity events for trivial causes like hunger, disease, and climate change,” says event organizer John Q. Greedhead, adjusting his solid platinum tie pin. “But who speaks for the corporations? Who stands up for the holding companies?” The concert promises to be a transformative experience, with ticket prices starting at the modest sum of one worker’s annual salary.

Greed-Aid will take place in the recently renamed Amazon Prime Gardens (formerly Central Park). The event will feature special VIP experiences, including “Trickle-Down Seating” where wealthy attendees can literally sit above the masses on suspended platforms, allowing their champagne spillage to rain down upon the common folk.

All proceeds will go directly to helping corporations maintain their essential services, such as luxury board retreats and algorithmic employee replacement programs. “It’s time we recognized the real victims,” Greedhead continues, dabbing his eyes with hundred-dollar bills. “Have you seen the price of corporate jets lately? It’s heartbreaking.” 

The public is urged to dig deep into their rapidly depleting savings to support this crucial cause. As our corporate benefactors face the unthinkable prospect of slightly reduced profit margins, we must ask ourselves: if we don’t stand up for billion-dollar companies, who will? 

For more information about how you can help preserve the endangered lifestyle of the 1%, visit http://www.greed-aid.con or contact our platinum-level customer service team at 1-900-CASHGRAB (calls billed at $999.99 per minute, with all proceeds going to executive bonus protection programs.

About Greed-Aid: Founded in the offshore tax haven of your choice, Greed-Aid represents the ultimate evolution of charitable giving – upward mobility of wealth at its finest. We believe in the power of music to open both hearts and wallets, primarily wallets. Our mission is to ensure that no corporation ever has to face the indignity of paying their fair share of taxes or providing living wages to workers.

Contact:

John Q. Greedhead III, Esq.

Chief Exploitation Officer

Greed-Aid Enterprises LLC

Phone: 1-800-FUK-PEPL

Email: golden.parachute@greed-aid.con

Remember: Your support today ensures a brighter tomorrow for those who need it least.