Jade Palmer

Cum and Cum and Hate

No one really knows 
how they end up naked 
in the bartender’s bed, but 
I do remember we talked 
about what happens after 
we die. 

Red solo cups in a studio 
apartment. Cheap, familiar
gin. We settled on a sort 
of agnosticism, something purple 
and eternal that we’d never 
truly know. 

Then that inevitable shift
to on top and under. His hands 
splay around my ribcage. 
I’ll be the first to admit I bit 
my lip too. I tell him, “use 
a condom.” He tries to barter, 
“just

the tip.” Then my feet on his chest 
like pushing off from the edge 
of a swimming pool. I beg 
the sweetest “please.” He rolls 
his eyes, spits that corner of foil. 
Now I can smile when commanded,
“open

your legs.” Fucking hell.
Some of the best dick 
I’ve ever gotten. Fireworks 
in my lower back. Somehow,
it felt like mango tastes. 
Then

hands fan like dove wings 
above my hip bones and he says,
“I want you to have my babies” 
and nails curl into my back and 
“two of them” harder now I say,
“absolutely

fucking not” and his hand 
reaches for the condom 
that’s strangling him and I 
start crying not for any 
virtuous reason but because 
I know 
I have to push away when I 
want it so bad. Could you just 
stop talking, please? Maybe just 
face fuck me so hard I can’t 
think anymore. Just choke me 
until 
I feel purple and the last thing 
I see is you throwing the condom 
across the room. I have to be 
ruined to enjoy this but I want 
to enjoy it so badly 
daddy 

yes that’s what you want to be called daddy 
turn on the fucking lights daddy 
I’m going to cry while I put on my clothes daddy
no I’m not that beautiful daddy 
no I don’t want to finish my drink daddy 
I’ve never felt like such a good girl saying “no” to so many things daddy 
I’m going to carry my sweater and jacket and belt and toque in my arms like a little baby as far away from you as possible daddy
this is the closest we will get to dying while still being alive daddy
I want you to know daddy 
that I’m going to take an Uber home absolutely soaking my panties, go up to my apartment, put a condom on my bright pink dildo, and fuck myself with it while thinking about you and being really fucking confused about it daddy 
but I’m also going to close my eyes and take the condom off in between thrusts and hope to god I feel the difference so no one else can ever do what you tried to do to me daddy 
and I know I will cum and cum and hate that you have everything to do with it daddy 
oh and daddy I hope that when you do really die it is completely and utterly
black