Robert Guffey

Dr. Seuss Was a Junkie

I love Dr. Seuss
Dr. Seuss was cool
Dr. Seuss was a writer
Who could really groove
I learned something recently
It was kind of disturbing
It burst my bubble
It was rather unnerving
The news was this:
Dr. Seuss was a junkie
He’d stick a straw up his nose
And act real funky
He was addicted to speed
china white and smack
Ecstasy and acid
black tar and Prozac
All his stories
Were censored from view
His original titles
Were way more cool
I.e., e.g.
Ipso facto, thusly:
Listen up, kids
This is a trip
Ain’t this a title
To wet your lips?
Howzabout “Son of Sam I Am”
“Horton Marries a Ho”
“The Grinch Does Dallas”
And “The Cat in the Hat Blows”
“Cocks in Socks”
“Horton Hatchets a Queer”
“Hop on Pop”
And “The Grinch Diddles a Deer”
“Foot Fetish Book”
“Oh Say Can You Spray?”
“There’s a Rocket in My Pocket”
And “The Grinch Hates Gays”
“One Sperm Two Sperm Red Sperm Blue Sperm”
“Thickdick, the Well-endowed Moose”
“I Had Trouble Getting Solla to Swallow”
And “The Cat in the Hat Rapes Mother Goose”
“Did I Ever Tell You How Fucked-up You Are?”
“Marvin K. Mooney Traffics in Smut”
“And To Think I Smelled It On Dingleberry St.”
And “The Grinch Humps Sluts With His Pants Zipped Shut”
Dr. Seuss was a junkie
Dr. Seuss was cool
Dr. Seuss fucked monkeys
And flaunted the rules
Dr. Seuss a rebel
Dr. Seuss a role model
He deserves a medal
More than Colin Powell
Dr. Seuss was a junkie
And though this is grim
You can do a lot worse, kids
Than to emulate him
So throw away the calculator
Throw away the TV
Dump it into the incinerator
And get strung out on speed!