For The Reader’s Digest
Hi, I’m Joe’s anus.
I like to talk, but Joe doesn’t very often let me.
My idea of a good sandwich
is liverwurst on white bread
with a side order of onion rings.
I turn my nose up at vegetarians.
I only have one eye and I
constantly concentrate on keeping
it trained on my inner self.
I don’t know anything about art,
but I do like Norman Rockwell.
If I had one wish
I would be Treasurer of the United States,
or maybe Bert Parks.
My favorite sport is baseball.
I thrill to the crack of the bat
and the towering blast exploded over
the centerfield wall
and into the mezzanine
where old drunks get their pockets picked
by truant schoolboys.
Like that of the housewife, my work
is never done. I have never slept a wink
in my entire life, and yet,
I am certain I have a firm grip
on what dreams are.