Dr. Williams walked to the next patients room and pulled the clipboard off the wall. He read over the write up and shook his head. Why does this have to happen at least once a month? He tucked the clipboard under his arm and opened the door. The man was sitting on the operating table, winced over in pain. He was wearing camo pants and a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt. Dr. Williams put the clipboard on the counter next to him and stretched out his hand.
“Hey there, Mr. Brown. What brings us in today?”
Of course Dr. Williams already knew the answer to this, but he always found it beneficial to let patients speak for themselves – you might learn something.
“I’m in pain, doc.”
“I bet you are.”
“I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Well let’s talk about it.”
“I don’t know, man. It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Life is embarrassing.”
“Uggh,” Mr. Brown said squeezing tight at his stomach.
“I doubt there’s anything you could tell me that I haven’t heard before.”
“You sure?” “Positive.”
“Well I guess it all started yesterday when I started my vacation from work.”
“Right,” Dr. Williams said sitting in the exam chair and putting on some latex gloves.
“Billy came over with a 30-rack of Busch and we decided we were going to get drunk as hell before I left for the Carolinas this weekend.”
“Where were you going in the Carolinas?”
“Yeah. Well anyway. Billy and I got drunk as hell, to the point that we weren’t quite sure if leaving for Myrtle today would be the best idea.”
“That sounds like a smart plan.”
Dr. Williams scooted closer to Mr. Brown in the exam chair.
“Right. We decided we’d spend today curing the hangover and leave for the beach in the morning.”
“Re-hydrating yourself is always a good idea.”
“That’s not how us country folk do it, Dr. Williams.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. I sent Billy to the ABC store for a bottle of Jack. And he came back with Kassandra and Lora Anne.”
“Sounds like a party.”
“Oh it was, doc. We got so drunk that we weren’t even thinking of how messed up we were last night.”
“Hmm,” Dr. Williams said picking the clipboard back up.
“Well none of that explains how you ended up here, Mr. Brown.”
“I’m getting there.”
“So it gets to around noon and I can tell that the hangover from last night is gonzo. It ain’t coming back.”
“I suppose that is one way to do it.”
“The only thing we had to make sure of now was not to get too drunk. I was itching to get to the beach tomorrow and I didn’t want to miss out. I haven’t had a vacation in three years, doc.”
“That’s horrible, Mr. Brown.”
Dr. Williams placed the clipboard down again and Mr. Brown let out a painful sigh.
“But none of that explains the situation you’re in currently.”
“I’m getting there, doc. So I told Billy that I was gonna lay off the booze for awhile. I didn’t want to wake up hungover. But by this point he and all the girls are really drunk. They wanted to do something fun. And at my house out in Partlow, there really ain’t all that much fun shit to do. The only thing I could think of was taking care of my raccoon problem in the back yard. I went and grabbed my slingshot and BB gun and the four of us headed out back. We started taking fire at the raccoons and throwing back shots of Jack Daniels.”
“Mr. Brown, I don’t want to sound like I’m not enjoying you’re story but–“
“Well the point is, that got boring after awhile to. The girls weren’t any good at hitting the raccoons and Billy was far too gone to be of any assistance to them. The girls decided we should go inside and play some drinking games, and the four of us headed in. We sat down at my couch and decided we’d play an old fashioned game of truth or dare.”
“That sounds like a good, sober, time.”
“Well the rules were that if you got dared to do something, and you didn’t want to do it you had to drink, and if you were asked a truth and didn’t want to answer you took a drink. So it was definitely a drinking game, doc.”
“Of course. But Mr. Brown, the point I’m getting at is how did you end up with–“
Mr. Brown let out an uncomfortable yell and squeezed tight at his stomach again.
“Well it was Lora Anne’s turn and she picked truth. Billy asked her if she ever took it up the rear before and–“
“Up the rear?”
“In the pooper, sir.”
Dr. Williams readjusted his glasses and shook his head.
“Well anyway, she didn’t want to answer so she took a drink. We all knew that meant she had, so we all bust laughin’. My turn was next and I picked dare. Billy thought about it for awhile. I guess his mind was still on the butt stuff. He dared me to shove something up my pooper. And now, I know that’s a stupid idea. I know that things aren’t supposed to go up there, but I didn’t want to drink. Like I said, I was itchin’ to get to Myrtle.”
“Mr. Brown, I –“
“And I remembered watching animal planet one time, and they said all animals have sexual receptors or whatever in their butt – including humans. And I remembered one time I was with this girl down in Tampa, and she tickled me down there, and it felt really good. So the way I looked at it – it was good, drunken fun. I thought about it for a minute and then walked off to the guest room. I found my nephew’s collection of hot wheels. Now the way I looked at it, something that little had to come back out. I went back to the living room, undid my belt, and let my trousers fall to the floor. I split both butt cheeks apart and then I started slid–“
“I didn’t have any. But then I started forcing the fire–“
“Mr. Brown. I think I get the point,” Dr. Williams said putting the clipboard back on the counter and standing up.
“Believe it or not, I see this more often than you think. It’s actually… common. For lack of a better word. But your X-rays came back and I think it’s small enough that it’s gonna pass. You’re just going to be in some pain. I could prescribe you some pain killers and you can take some laxative and wait for it. Or we could operate. Remove it from the anal cavity.”
“That would be expensive wouldn’t it?”
“Yes it would.”
“I guess I’ll force the firetruck out.”
“Well I’ll write you a prescription and you’ll be out of here in a few minutes. Okay, Mr. Brown?”
Dr. Williams stopped before pulling the door open.
“I have a question though, Mr. Brown. Why would you even think of doing anything like that?”
“You know, I don’t know, doc. I think life just gets boring sometimes. We all do the same things over and over again, consistently going nowhere and no one really knows why. It’s weird. Sometimes it’s nice to just mix it up, you know? Like when somebody gets their wife to pretend to be a nurse or something. Or when people just take off for the weekend not really knowing where they’re going. Life’s just plain shit, Doc.
You gotta mix it up.”
Mr. Brown winced and grabbed at his stomach again.
“I guess I learned I should make better decisions when I want to mix things up. Or something like that.”
“At least you learned something. But I guess you have a point. The nurse will be in with your discharge papers soon.”
Dr. Williams walked out of the exam room and shut the door. He wrote out a prescription for Vicodin and some over-the-counter laxative and handed it to the nurse.
“So what you think? Think he just came in for some pain pills?”
“I don’t know.”
“He sure looks like he would.”
“Maybe, maybe. But sometimes life just gets boring you know?”
“So boring that you shove a firetruck up your ass.”
“He did what?”
“Give him this.”
Dr. Williams handed the nurse the prescription and headed off to the next exam room.