Phoenix DeSimone

Son Goku

“Well, hi there. I didn’t expect there to be children in the room tonight, but I’ll try to keep it PG. My Name’s Troy, I’m 33 and I guess it didn’t start for me too different from anybody else. I was sitting there at my mother’s computer – you know, back when the monitors used to be huge and the speakers weren’t built in – minding my own business. I guess I wasn’t really minding my own business. I was surfing the web. Back then we called it surfing because nobody really understood google. Well I was looking at pictures of this cartoon I used to watch. I think it was called Dragon Ball Z or something like that. They were little cartoon characters and they fought space invaders and demons, with like karate and special powers. I suppose that’s not really the point. The point is that I was sitting at my mother’s work computer looking at pictures of cartoon characters online. I was scrolling and scrolling and looking and looking. It was fun, you know? These were the days before iPods and iPhone games, there wasn’t so much else to entertain yourself with. Anyway, I was looking and looking and then there it was. It was the cartoon characters that I had come to know and love for their fighting skills and super-hero antics, but it was drawn by a fan. At least I guess he was a fan. He could have hated Dragon Fall Z, though. Anyway. This guy drew a picture of the characters naked. The main guy’s wife and some other character’s wife were being embraced in either arm by one of the main bad guys. I think that was the first time I’d ever known that girls didn’t have pee-pees too. I was like ‘what’s the bad guy doing with his finger where those girls pee-pees go?”

The crowd of people around me laughed and I let out a chuckle.

“Well, you know how the internet goes – one minute you’re looking at a picture and the next your clicking a link. Then that link leads you to a website with more pictures. And then that website might have links to more websites and then those websites might have links to more websites with even more pictures. Pictures of the characters from Dragon Fall B putting their pee-pees in the girl characters. And even pictures of characters from other shows putting their pee-pees in girl characters! I kept looking at picture after picture. It was a lot to take in really. It was a lot to take in because I was only about 10 years old, and all of a sudden, I felt something stiff in my pants. I was an only child, and I didn’t really have any older siblings to tell me about this. I put my hand on it to try and understand what was going on, and man, did that feel good. It felt good in a way that I’d never felt before. I moved my hand up and down and up and down and then BOOM. There was white stuff all over my hand.”

The crowd laughed again.

“Well anyway, those trips to my mother’s work computer got more and more frequent. I’d type in the words that lead me to the photo accidentally the first time and go down the rabbit hole. I didn’t really know what I was doing to be honest – I just knew it felt good. This must have gone on for a few months. It went on like that until one day I was looking at the photos, gliding my hand up and down, when I noticed an ad on the side of the screen. The ad had a short video with real people pushing pee-pees in and out. I didn’t know much about it but clicking the wrong thing had already brought me to this happy place, so it didn’t seem like a half bad idea. I clicked the ad and was brought to a 15-minute long hardcore clip. Now I probably don’t need to tell you all this, but a 15-minute clip was a big jump from somebody looking at just pictures. AND THEY WERE REAL PEOPLE. Well I was gliding my hand up and down and up and down and then a bunch of white stuff spilled all over my pants again.”

I cleared my throat as a few people giggled again.

“Well as I got older it got to be more and more of a problem. My mom found out I had been watching porn on her computer and ended up grounding me. Which I especially didn’t get when I grew up and found out how many men watch it. But I guess it was becoming a problem. I would go in there everyday after school and watch video after video. I hadn’t even kissed a girl yet and it was already the most exciting thing in my head. Well, I was too afraid to talk to any of the girls because my wee-wee wasn’t quite as big as the ones I’d seen on the computer screen. Well I stopped using my mom’s computer as much and got a little braver when it came to talkin to females. BUT THEN came high school and you know what that meant – smart phones. Now I was a teenager and I could have a porn fix whenever I wanted. I’d wake up. Wank it. Go to school. Come home. Wank it. Hang out with friends. Wank it. It was the dream come true. Well, it was the dream come true until I was out partying with some buddies and this girl ended up taking me into the bedroom. I got harder and we started going at it. It was my first time and I was ready to put to use all the studying I been doing. The problem was the real thing didn’t live up to the porn I’d been watching. I mean threesomes, BDSM, torture, the real thing was nothing like it. I went at it her as hard as I could, but I could never get off. I remember dropping off everyone at home that night and going home and wanking it one good time and the white stuff came pouring all over my sheets.”

I paused expecting a laugh again but didn’t get one. The women with the little boy next to her shook her head.

“Sorry. Well of course it got worse as I got older. Once I had a job I was able to start spending money for porn. I’d have a girlfriend every now and again but it was always about the porn. I’d have to hit her from behind and pretend I was watching a porno flick just to get it off. Hell, I’m not complaining but it was rough. I was getting older and starting to realize my reality was never going to be like that. I’m sure all of us in this room have gotten to that point. Well, that girl ended up leaving me for a guy with a big dick, and I don’t know why but I decided to blame the porn. That might be because she found out about the $97 I was spending on multiple accounts on OnlyFans, something I was hoping to never have to admit. Anyway. The good news is that I’ve haven’t wanked it in 4 days and I’ve downloaded an app to block porn sites on my phone. So here’s to a better year, or years.”

A person or two clapped as I stepped away from the podium and sat back in one of the metal folding chairs. I stroked my beard as Stacy, the host of tonight’s meeting, walked back up.

“Umm, thanks for that, Troy. Not quite sure what that has to do with Domestic Violence, but thanks. Anyone want to speak next? Sure Cheryl. Come on up.”

Cheryl walked up to the podium and cleared her throat. That’s when I remembered it was Tuesday. Porn Anon meets on Thursday, you jackass. I put both hands over my face and shook my head.

“My name’s Cheryl and I’m a survivor of domestic violence. I guess it all started –”

“I would like to deeply and profoundly apologize.”

I stood up and Cheryl stopped speaking. No one said anything back and I walked out of the room. I felt embarrassed but at the same time confident. A room of at least 20 people know I was a former porn addict and it doesn’t feel too bad. Now I’m not saying I went home and wanked it that night, but I could have. And that’s saying a lot.

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