Shawn Berman

The Most Bangable Marvel Movie Characters

It’s a question as old as time: which Marvel character would I rather bang? No matter how many times you ask me this, I’m never prepared. 

I run through a list of potential superhero suitors in my head. I immediately cross off Bruce Banner since I feel like he wouldn’t listen to my needs and it would just be a terrible experience all-around. I also fear that he might snap halfway through and I’d be done for.

I recall the one time we were in Union Square, and a tiny green dude dressed up as the Hulk threatened to beat us up if we didn’t give him $40 for a picture he snapped of us after he stole our phones while we were eating lunch. That day we learned our lesson to steer clear of the mascots in NYC altogether. They’re emotionally unpredictable.

I then tell you, that if I had to choose, I’d do Captain America. Not only does he have a nice butt, but he seems like he would be a gentleman and call a cab for me in the morning then text to see if I got home okay. 

You snicker, disappointed with my answer, and tell me I’m vanilla, predictable, and that personally you prefer your heroes to have a little more grit to them. That’s why you’d bang Thanos because he’s so fearsome. So strong. You’re convinced that you would be his queen and the world would be yours in no time.

I laugh at the thought of you and Thanos being the ultimate MCU power couple, people clamoring for autographs, companies begging y’all to sponsor their space guns on Instagram, the eventual reality tv spinoffs getting made.

But the more i think about your choice, the more I’m convinced that Thanos would be boring in bed, and he would most likely just lay there like a dead fish, making you do all the work. That’s why, in my mind, Ant-Man is the obvious answer when it comes to most bangable.

One of the coolest things about Ant-Man is that he can shrink down to microscopic size. I feel like that would be a desirable trait for a partner to have, especially since they could easily sneak into a bank and steal mad money without anyone noticing.

Imagine how life changing 1 million dollars would be?

Probably not that much because I’d quickly spend it all on something stupid like trying to revive JNCO Jeans or lose it in a bitcoin trading scam. 

It’s a good thing this reality will never happen. Way too much responsibility for an idiot like me to handle but I have no shame in admitting that so it’s whatever. I guess Thanos it is.

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