i go to a mansion party
oo lookielookie, there’s a pool in the backyard!
3 doofs challenge me to a 4 lap race
but 1 stipulation: they get a 2 lap head start…
i still beat the fucking shit out of them (E Z)
and win 15 dollars
that’s 15 mcchickens!!!
~DON’T MESS WITH POSEIDON, MOTHERFUCKERS!~
i pound my chest and spit a mist of water into the air
one of them gets angry n calls me a cream faced loon
i riposte: three inch fool!
we get broken up
and the party rages on
at about 4 AM i sneak off with the baddest bitch here
take her to the masterbedroom (soO alpha)
15 minutes later
the host is pounding on the locked door
yellin like a kook
who in there!? get out my room! i call cops!
i yell back just give us 10 minutes, kumquat!
the bitch laughs
AsHLeY?!?! he bellows, OpEn DoOr!
n the bitch yells, NO!
he roars COME OUT
OR I KNOCK DOOR DOWN,
BANG BANG GUY DEAD!
just 10 more seconds, homunculus! i yell
he screams NOW!
but i call his bluff
working up to a climax…
then stuff a huuge nut inside her
could hear the man crying behind the door
then i scramble out of bed
tell her i’ll call her
slap her ass
put my clothes back on, grab my bong,
jump out the window,
walk down the street to a motel for some sleep
then a bigass earthquake wakes me up
i immediately head to the ocean
the safest place
I walk the beach
hit the bong (hhhwuhhbuhbubuhhbub)
WaKe aNd BaKe!
most everyone else is running from the water
ahhhh, what is that?
is that what i think it is?
must be a few hundred feet
it’s b e a u t i f u l
that’s going to fuck a lot of people up
but not me…
I strip down
revealing a USA speedo
I charge fearlessly
as the wave is rolling in
I dive into it
like a hot knife through butter
sucks for everyone else hahaha
treading water, I look back and see the city
get obliterated, I beat on my chest,
best swimmer alive
I hit the bong again
the best eva
I’m michael phelps!
I made it!
then I realize I’m in my mom’s bathtub in Califnora
it’s 2018 my name is Johonny Scalarti, i’m 30 years old
I haven’t had sex in 4, haven’t been to a party in 5—
no wait, that is untrue! untrue!!
I’m michael fucking phelps!!!!