Johnny Scarlotti

Japan, 3/11/11

i go to a mansion party
oo lookielookie, there’s a pool in the backyard!
3 doofs challenge me to a 4 lap race
but 1 stipulation: they get a 2 lap head start… 
i still beat the fucking shit out of them (E Z) 
and win 15 dollars
ssthuckerthss 
that’s 15 mcchickens!!!
~DON’T MESS WITH POSEIDON, MOTHERFUCKERS!~
i pound my chest and spit a mist of water into the air 
one of them gets angry n calls me a cream faced loon
i riposte: three inch fool! 
we get broken up 
and the party rages on 
at about 4 AM i sneak off with the baddest bitch here 
take her to the masterbedroom (soO alpha)
15 minutes later 
the host is pounding on the locked door
yellin like a kook  
who in there!? get out my room! i call cops! 
i yell back just give us 10 minutes, kumquat!
the bitch laughs
AsHLeY?!?! he bellows, OpEn DoOr! 
n the bitch yells, NO! 
he roars COME OUT 
OR I KNOCK DOOR DOWN,
BANG BANG GUY DEAD!
just 10 more seconds, homunculus! i yell
he screams NOW!
but i call his bluff
working up to a climax… 
building… builDiNNng…
then stuff a huuge nut inside her 
ooouaaaww
could hear the man crying behind the door 
fucking loser
then i scramble out of bed 
tell her i’ll call her
slap her ass
good luck  
put my clothes back on, grab my bong,
jump out the window,
walk down the street to a motel for some sleep
————
then a bigass earthquake wakes me up
i immediately head to the ocean
the safest place 
I walk the beach
hit the bong (hhhwuhhbuhbubuhhbub)
WaKe aNd BaKe! 
most everyone else is running from the water
hmm— 
ahhhh, what is that? 
holy shizz,
is that what i think it is? 
tsunami?!
must be a few hundred feet
wwooaah
it’s b e a u t i f u l 
that’s going to fuck a lot of people up 
but not me…
I strip down
revealing a USA speedo 
I charge fearlessly 
as the wave is rolling in
I dive into it
like a hot knife through butter
sucks for everyone else hahaha
treading water, I look back and see the city
get obliterated, I beat on my chest,
best swimmer alive
michael phelps!  
I hit the bong again  
the best eva 
I’m michael phelps!
I made it!
I’m alive!

then I realize I’m in my mom’s bathtub in Califnora
it’s 2018 my name is Johonny Scalarti, i’m 30 years old
I haven’t had sex in 4, haven’t been to a party in 5—
no wait, that is untrue! untrue!!
I’m michael fucking phelps!!!! 

***

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