Johnny Scarlotti

Untitled 6/17/11

i operate the weight machine
at the gym
i watch the veins
come out of my arms

i am magnificent

i look at myself in the mirror
i lift my shirt
and see my ripped up abs
i smile real big

then the arms of the machine come to life
and i’m tackled to the ground
and all of my clothes get torn off
and the machine has sex with me
woah
a nice thick handlebar into my asshole

i breathe hard into the mirror
as it’s happening – i draw with my finger into the fog
HELP

ah
ah
ah
stop

and take pictures
then i post them on instagram
caption: help i’m being raped

then i’m being dragged out of the gym
by a group of meatheads
i’m told i am banned for life
and the police are coming
they say i’m in a lot of trouble

what the freaking heck!? i was the victim!!!
your machines are rapists!!!
they say it was the other way around
they got it all on camera

i’m being set up!!!
i escape their grips and outrun them
they are slow because their muscles are so large
i get in my car

two of them get into a car and try to follow
but i’ve seen Drive with Ryan Gosling like 10 times
i lose them easily

all my clothes were left at the gym in tatters
and i don’t have any in my car
just a couple mcdonald’s bags
and some tape
i make it work

i pull up to my apartment
as i’m walking up the steps
some kids across the street scream “freeeeaaaaaaak”

but nobody fucking disrespects me
and gets away with it

REEEEEEEE!!! i scream and charge

but my mcdonald’s bags fly off
and my dick and balls are flopping around
the kids shriek and flee
ahhhh my nuts
i gotta hold them so they stop banging against my legs

CHICKENS!!! i scream after them

i feel good
i won the fight!
real good
i sprint back home

my key isn’t working again
so i break in through a window again

my girlfriend’s on the couch, she gets up
runs and screams down the hallway
‘HE’S BACK, THE CREEP IS BACK!’

‘NO ROSE, IT’S ME!’ i scream after her
‘IT’S ME, JACK’

a door opens
i freeze
a man holding a shotgun
walks toward me
and blasts

***

From: It’s Getting Harder and Harder To Tell the Two of You Apart

 

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