Joseph Farley


Every morning Lawrence would take a picture of his shit while still fresh in the bowl. Every afternoon he would post the photo on Facebook and Instagram along with a description of what he had eaten the day before. He would post links to his videos on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. In this way his name and reputation gradually grew until he had enough followers to justify advertising revenue, product placement, endorsements.

When his followers on various social media surpassed a million, he was ready to make the leap to reality television. His was a classy show compared to some of the others out there. He would talk about his meals and show pictures of his bowel movements, then interview celebrities asking about their meals and show pictures of their bowel movements. The show became a hit, and received many awards.

After the sixth season, Lawrence was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This made him restless. He knew that in the natural progression of things, the next step would be for him to enter politics. As a celebrity he was already expected to state his opinions on all manner of subjects to the media. His views on every new scientific development, fashion trend, satellite launch, movie, ecological issue, and political issue were required daily. His opinions on animal rights, seawater, aphids, wars, religion, nutrition, the constitution, and the world at large could be found all over the internet. But actually running for office? That was a big step.

Lawrence fell on his knees and prayed during a live feed while he debated whether or not to run for office. Fan response persuaded him to throw his hat in the ring. Politicos already in the game did not welcome the new comer. He was attacked by more experienced, more entrenched power brokers. The shit came at him from all directions, metaphorically for the most part, but occasionally hands on and dirty. Lawrence was used to shit. It had gotten him to where he was. He countered the shit storm with his own shit storm. The public loved it.

There’s no need to tell you what happened. You all know. You voted for him. It’s what you wanted right? Loved the slogan didn’t you, “Give’m Shit Larry.” Hope you can live with it. Well, maybe it won’t be so bad. It’s just four, maybe eight years. The nation will survive. We’ve been through worse, haven’t we? We can survive this shit.

Who are you fooling? You got what you deserved. We all did. We made this mess, this pile of shit, now we’ve got to live in it. Or at least you do. I’m washing my hands of whole thing. I’ve got my visa. The world is my toilet.

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