Johnny Scarlotti

tub boy

in the park bathroom
on the toilet

took some laxatives earlier
haven’t shat in svn days

tried hella times
but it’s just not coming out

it’s 9:40
park closes in 20 minutes

push push puush

just a couple small turds come out

push push ahh

i debate goin to the ER
my stomach is in so much pain

then i hear someone enter the bathroom

i hear them walk up to my stall

a head appears (!?)

a hand

an arm

reaching under the stall

grabbing my leg

pulling me out

what the hell! i scream and kick

he screams “give me your fucking wallet!”

no way, alls i got is 10 dollars

“hell no bitch”

i get to my feet and try to fight him

but it’s kinda hard when your pants are around your ankles

this is bad

“i’m going to beat the shit out of you!” he yells

he punches me in the face

i fall on my ass

he kicks me in the stomach

he bends over reaching for my wallet

i’m holding him off for now but not for long he’s too strong…

then i feel it

ooo shit, it’s coming


then i get an idea

(shout outs to tub girl)

“you fucked with the wrong guy!” i yell,

rolling my legs behind my head

i aim

then pushpushPUUUSH

and a fountain of shit shoots into his face

bulls eye

he runs for the exit, projectile vomiting

he slips on puke n shit and falls

i pull up my pants, get to my feet

he gets up and tries to run out again but slips and falls again

he’s completely covered in shit n vomit

miraculously none got on me

i rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall and bash him over the head unconscious


then i steal his backpack, cigs, flask, cell phone, car keys, wallet with 60 bucks in it, squirt on him some more, wipe my butt, wash my hands, and get the hell out of there in his 2005 ford escape. beep beep!

i take a few more shits inside it, smear it all over, then leave it on the side of the highway out of gas, bash out a window, slash one tire. i think that’s enough. we’re even now.

feeling good. feeling light as a feather. 200 miles closer to my destination and enough to buy a train ticket the rest of the way.



Johnny Scarlotti on Twitter

One thought on “Johnny Scarlotti

  1. Well now, that’s certainly one method of dealing with undesirable intruders. My la! You never fail to arrive at curious solutions (and predicaments to boot) to what might have been considered remotely “ordinary” by halves.

    Liked by 1 person

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