tub boy
in the park bathroom
on the toilet
took some laxatives earlier
haven’t shat in svn days
tried hella times
but it’s just not coming out
it’s 9:40
park closes in 20 minutes
push push puush
just a couple small turds come out
push push ahh
i debate goin to the ER
my stomach is in so much pain
then i hear someone enter the bathroom
i hear them walk up to my stall
…
a head appears (!?)
a hand
an arm
reaching under the stall
grabbing my leg
pulling me out
what the hell! i scream and kick
he screams “give me your fucking wallet!”
no way, alls i got is 10 dollars
“hell no bitch”
i get to my feet and try to fight him
but it’s kinda hard when your pants are around your ankles
this is bad
“i’m going to beat the shit out of you!” he yells
he punches me in the face
i fall on my ass
he kicks me in the stomach
he bends over reaching for my wallet
i’m holding him off for now but not for long he’s too strong…
then i feel it
ooo shit, it’s coming
ooOO
then i get an idea
(shout outs to tub girl)
“you fucked with the wrong guy!” i yell,
rolling my legs behind my head
i aim
then pushpushPUUUSH
and a fountain of shit shoots into his face
bulls eye
he runs for the exit, projectile vomiting
he slips on puke n shit and falls
i pull up my pants, get to my feet
he gets up and tries to run out again but slips and falls again
he’s completely covered in shit n vomit
miraculously none got on me
i rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall and bash him over the head unconscious
“BITCH!”
then i steal his backpack, cigs, flask, cell phone, car keys, wallet with 60 bucks in it, squirt on him some more, wipe my butt, wash my hands, and get the hell out of there in his 2005 ford escape. beep beep!
i take a few more shits inside it, smear it all over, then leave it on the side of the highway out of gas, bash out a window, slash one tire. i think that’s enough. we’re even now.
feeling good. feeling light as a feather. 200 miles closer to my destination and enough to buy a train ticket the rest of the way.
YEEEHAW
Well now, that’s certainly one method of dealing with undesirable intruders. My la! You never fail to arrive at curious solutions (and predicaments to boot) to what might have been considered remotely “ordinary” by halves.
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