Matthew Licht

The Spank-Off

Edna Soames was an awfully big woman. Her deep voice carried a freight of authority. No one ever mistook her for a man, though.

Edna Soames used to earn her living with her ass. She worked hard, saved money. Pimps wound up sorry they ever met her.

When Edna Soames hit forty, she decided to open a place.

Edna’s Hot Spot was a success. Word got round.

There was only one, simple rule: be good, or be gone. No bouncers required.

Big Mickey showed up at Edna’s Hot Spot dressed a notch too loud, and yelled for a bottle.The barman raised an eyebrow. Edna gave the nod.

Big Mickey could hold his liquor. He was also lucky at craps. Big Mickey got bigger and louder, made a crack about the croupier’s toupee. Edna watched the situation. High spirits. The big galoot tipped big.

Big Mickey made a big mistake when he thought a $10 tip earned him a peek at what was inside a cocktail waitress’ bustier. She poured a highball on his head.

Edna’s whole Hot Spot fell silent.

Big Mickey was unused to such treatment. He was about to return the affront, with interest, when Edna put a hand on his shoulder.

“Mister, it’s time for you to leave.”

Most men would’ve apologized. Big Mickey rose and rose and rose.

“Back where I’m from, we heard stories about this crummy joint. My brother Little Benny came here lookin’ for a good time, but he came back home blue-balled and hurtin’.”

Edna Soames held Big Mickey’s eye, and kept her grip on his ill-fitting blazer. “So your brother’s an asshole like you.”

“He said you pulled his pants down, and spanked him.”

“That’s right,” Edna said.

“How ‘bout spanking someone your own size?”

The boys in the band set down their instruments, quietly.

It’d been a long time since a man challenged Edna. A waitress gasped. The bandleader winced. The bartender shot a look at the First Aid kit.

Big Mickey shrugged out of his jacket. His pants fell to the floor.

“Let’s see what you got,” he said. “I mean, let’s see if you’re really a woman.”

Edna showed everyone that she was a lady.

Big Mickey sucked in a breath. “Do your worst,” he said, and stretched his bulk across Edna’s lap. The first swat was a thunderclap. A red mark glowed when she raised her hand. Then the blows fell like rain.

The women had to cover their eyes. People began to leave the room.

Big Mickey didn’t flinch.

Finally Edna could spank no more.

“Huh. I thought you were harder than that, girly. Let’s see if you can take it better than you dish it out.”

Edna settled on Big Mickey’s lap. Down it came.

“Stop,” she whispered. “I give up.”

Nobody could believe it.

Big Mickey helped Edna to her feet. Then he bent her over the craps table.

The next morning, Edna Soames boarded a bus bound for Good-and-Spankedville.

A joint force of Vice Squad cops and Board of Health inspectors eventually closed down BigMickey’s Hot Spot. Big Mickey disappeared. Ugly rumors spread.

Edna Soames still talks about the night she got spanked, found love and lost everything she had. She talks on and on, even when there’s nobody listening. She talks until the bartender tells her she’s had enough and it’s time to go home.

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