Arthur Graham

Euphemistic Solipsistic

Moose Knuckle, Ninja Boot, and Camel Toe walk into a bar.

The bar is called Sam’s and it’s located in one of the tougher neighborhoods of Philadelphia, the so-called city of brotherly love.

Seated at the rail, the trio has just been served their first round of drinks when they notice another trio of euphemisms at a nearby table.

“What are those queers looking at?” Ninja Boot asks his two companions.

“I dunno,” Camel Toe replies, nonchalantly swirling his scotch, “but if they keep it up, they’re gonna get their asses beat…”

“Hey,” Moose Knuckle says, “here comes one of them now.”

“Yo fellas,” Bearded Clam begins, sauntering up. “Guess y’all just hadn’t heard, but this here’s our bar, so me and my boys here are gonna have to ask you three to leave.”

“Oh yeah?!” Camel Toe shoots back, jumping off his stool and into Bearded Clam’s face.

“Yeah,” replies Ham Wallet, suddenly appearing beside Bearded Clam. “There just ain’t enough room for more than one trio of euphemisms in this bar.”

“Yeah, well fuck you,” Ninja Boot says, turning away from them and back to his drink.

“You dudes wanna start something?” asks Beef Curtains, storming over to join Bearded Clam and Ham Wallet.

“Now wait a minute guys,” Moose Knuckle interjects, coming between Camel Toe and Bearded Clam. “There’s no need to fight over this. We’re all reasonable adults here, so I’m betting we can resolve this issue without resorting to violence.”

“Oh yeah?” Bearded Clam says, staring down Camel Toe hard. “How’s that?”

“I say we start by discussing the validity of your request and the method by which we’ll determine who gets to stay and who doesn’t,” Moose Knuckle suggests.

“Well, to start with,” Beef Curtains says, “it makes more sense for euphemisms of our kind to focus on edible items – dovetails more nicely with the whole ‘eating pussy’ thing, ya know?”

“But that’s fallacious reasoning,” Ninja Boot replies, pausing to take a swig of beer. “Moose and camels can be eaten, too. And, come to think of it, so can ninja.”

“You may have a point there,” Ham Wallet concedes, “but what you’re talking about is the literal consumption of things. Like ‘eating pussy’, we at least keep things on the figurative level.”

“Well,” says Camel Toe, “so what if you’re figurative in one sense? We’re figurative in another.”


“But it’s true!” Moose Knuckle persists. “Whereas you three are just unappetizing food metaphors, we three are pretty clever podiatric metaphors.”

“Okay, but…”

It is then that yet another trio walks into the bar.

“Aww mannn…” Beef Curtains sighs. “Who the hell are you guys?”

“Hey. Pink Taco.”

“Sup. Whisker Biscuit.”

“Vagina. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

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