John Yohe

Jerk Off Instructions

On Sunday night, to get out of my apartment, I walk over to Dante’s for a quick drink. It’s just down the street really, not bad. Plus I like being out at night sometimes. It’s kind of quiet. Less cars I guess. And you can look up and see stars and stuff.

Tony’s there. Tony’s always there. We work at the same place, the Bob Evans sausage plant. He’s in maintenance, I actually wrap the sausage. It pays ok, except I have to get up at 4:30 every morning. But I got benefits too.

I sit down next to Tony and order a beer. On the tv there’s pictures of people getting pulled off their roofs by helicopters after that hurricane down south. Tony buys me a shot to go with my beer.

—So how are you and Marsha going?

—Alright I guess.

—Getting any?

I shake my head and down the shot. —No.

—Look, if she won’t let you fuck her, at least make her suck you off.

I sip my beer. —She doesn’t like to do that, Tony.

—Why not? Is she a lesbo?

—No, I don’t think so.

—Christian?

—Yeah…

—Like, go to church every Sunday Christian?

—I don’t know. She’s got a necklace with a cross.

—Then why are you still seeing her?

—Well, I like her.

—Like? There’s lots of women out there you can like.

—Yeah…

On the tv there’s something about Iraq. A bombing. None of our guys, just Iraqis.

—Look, at least jerk off.

—I do.

—No, I mean with her there.

He orders two more shots. The bartender Tammy does have a nice ass when she bends over. Tony downs his shot.

—Next time she won’t do anything, just ask her. But don’t whine, women hate whiners. Just ask her like, if she would mind.

I down the shot and take a sip of beer. —You just say, Do you mind if I jerk off?

—Exactly. She’ll be confused, but she’ll say she doesn’t. They always say they don’t. It’s because it has nothing to do with violating any of their body parts. And if for any reason she says she’s not sure, tell her you’re going to do it anyway when you get home.

—That is true.

—Then whip it out and look at her and tell her how beautiful she is. Chicks dig that. And make sure she can see your cock.

—Why?

—You have to get her used to the idea of your cock being there. Then you can ask her to help out a little.

—Help out?

—You know, jerk you off a little, massage your balls. Women don’t mind using their hands, and in fact they like touching, because they’re curious.

—Curious about cocks?

—Exactly. All their lives they’ve been told that cocks are bad and they should avoid them, but yet cocks are attached to men, who women find attractive. And since cocks are important to men, we think with them after all, women are always curious to see them, even if, like in your case, they don’t want to put them in their mouths or pussies.

I clear my throat. —So I jerk off.

—You’re jerking off and telling her how hot she is while she’s massaging your balls and now she’s getting more curious, like thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to put it in her mouth for a while.

—And then she’ll go down on me.

He finishes his beer and motions Tammy over for another. —Maybe not right then. You may have to come. And make sure she sees it. She’ll want to of course. All women are fascinated by sperm shooting out of cocks. It’s like a primal thing, a mysterious magical liquid that comes from nowhere. Excuse the pun.

—Well, sounds good. I mean, I think she’s had sex before…

—But it wasn’t good. If it was good, she’d be a cockgobbler by now.

Tammy shoots him a look. I finish my beer and check the time.

—You put it so well.

—The point is, you have to go slow with the conservative ones. Is she worth it?

—What do you mean?

—I mean, there are other women who suck on the first date.

—Really?

—Dude, come on.

—Ok… No, I mean, I like her.

—Ok, but don’t let her jerk you around. Jerk you off, but not around. You want another beer?

I look at my watch again. —No. I gotta get home I guess.

—You gotta get out of the sausage line. Those early mornings are gonna kill you.

—I know.

—So when you gonna see her again?

—Oh, later this week. We’re supposed to have dinner.

—Alright. You got my advice.

—Yeah, thanks. Well, maybe see you later.

I walk outside and look up at the stars. They’re still there. Well, so am I. I walk home.

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