Bella came into my office. I was working on a poem.
The poem was about butts.
I wanted to write a whole book about butts. Called it FRANKENBOOTY.
“What the fuck is that?” Bella asked.
“It’s FRANKENBOOTY. It’s going to be the next great American novel. Or poem. Or whatever.”
“No I mean that pile of trash in the corner.”
I looked over. An impressive pile of old photos, DVD cases, shitty books and other junk.
“Are you building a nest?” she asked.
“No way. Just a pile. You know how I like piles.”
“You sure do.”
“I was thinking about putting a blanket over it.”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
“You don’t want me to clean it?”
“I mean, I do. I do want you to clean it. But that’s a really intense pile. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
She was wearing fuzzy red sweat pants she got from my stepmom. They were baggy and cozy looking.
I grabbed her pants and pulled her close. I smelled her crotch.
She laughed and told me to stop.
“I can’t help it. I have a libido. It fills me with passion.”
“Oh baby,” she said.
And she started trying to get it on by kissing my neck and grabbing my dick.
“Stop,” I said. “I can’t do that right now. I gotta write.”
She looked at my computer screen. Microsoft Word had been minimized. YouTube was up. There was a video of a lady with a big booty twerking.
“This is you writing?”
“Sometimes when I write I watch YouTube. It gives me inspiration. You know that.”
She walked off to the living room.
And I continued writing. But I didn’t write about butts anymore. I started working on a list that I was planning on sending to Cracked.
The list was called: TOP FIVE SEXIEST TRANSFORMERS (AND YES GOBOTS COUNT, DON’T BE A SNOB)
I could only think of a few Transformers. There was Arcee. The pink lady from the movie. She was hot. Great legs.
Then there was that chick from the GoBots but she kinda seemed like a tranny. I thought trannies were sexy. But did I really want to open up about that in an article about female transformers?
I was online researching female Transformers when Bella came in again.
She looked at the screen and saw a picture of a Transformer.
“You have to be kidding me,” she said.
I shut my laptop.
“It’s not what you think,” I said.
“This is fucked,” she said.
She stormed off.
I chased after her.
She liked that.
Soon we were playing tag.
I caught her at one point and then I pulled her pants down and smelled her butt.
Then I dragged her off to the bedroom.
We started having sex.
“Have you noticed our sex has gotten a lot more cuddly?” I asked.
Then she kissed me.
Then I kissed her back.