John D. Robinson

The Woman Who Loved Floppy Hats

Loretta Blissful was a very attractive and sexy twenty seven year old and had an untamed and insatiable appetite for the opposite sex. She had been married and divorced nine times; a commitment to just one man was impossible for her.

One man was never enough.

Loretta liked to think of herself as a sexual vampire with an unquenchable thirst for cock. No matter how deeply Loretta’s love for each of her nine husbands, she could simply not resist the urge, the opportunities, the lust to pursue other men for sexual conquests and adventures. She simply could not help herself; her passion was her demon and she loved her demon well.

Loretta naturally knew the type of man she wanted, and this varied according to how she was feeling, but she no longer pursued fat guys; she had experienced a couple of fat guys and on both occasions found the scene to be limited and awkward and damn right uncomfortable, and she had felt nothing but a big fat disappointment.

Loretta had personal standards, too; there were some party-tricks that she would not engage in whatsoever, but there is no reason to go into all that detail right now.

Tonight Loretta was sat alone in one of her regular and most successful of pick-up joints, a seedy club called ‘The Purple Snake’. She cast her eyes around the place, checking what was on the menu. She took a sip of her vodka on ice and set the glass back on her table.

“Do you mind if I join you?”

Loretta looked up and was impressed by what she saw. “Yes, it would be my pleasure”

“I’m Duncan Weatherby,” he said, offering an outstretched hand, “pleased to meet you.”

Duncan was a smooth-looking twenty four old who was presently recovering from a treacherous relationship that had broken him to pieces, but his eyes shone bright and his voice was deep and confident.

“I’m Loretta,” she said, taking his hand as Duncan stumbled into her web.

The two struck up some easy and warm conversation. Loretta knew that Duncan found her attractive, and she found him appealing as well. At approximately 10pm, she decided to make her move.

“Duncan, would you like to join me for a nightcap? I don’t live far from here…”

Duncan did not hesitate; he was eager and he was keen and he hadn’t been laid in a long while. He was bursting with excitement and could hardly contain himself or the graphic thoughts that were now streaming through his head.

“Yes, that sounds like a great idea,” he said. “We can get a cab.”

Together they left ‘The Purple Snake’, and ten minutes later they were in Loretta’s apartment. She had fixed some drinks and put some Sibelius on the hi-fi. They sat beside each other on the sofa, both of them wondering who was going to make the first move, but actually there was no question who was going to make the first move; it was Loretta.

“Dunky, would you like to get funky?” Loretta asked, smiling with lust in her eyes.

Duncan said nothing in response, nodding his head vigorously.

“Then Dunky, you follow me…”

Loretta rose from the sofa and walked down the hallway, proceeding to her bedroom with Duncan just a few perspiring steps behind.

As she launched herself onto the bed and began peeling off her clothes, Duncan dived right after, removing his own clothing as well as they kissed and groped one another.

A few moments into the adventure, Loretta cried out, “Dunky, stop! STOP, Dunky!”

Duncan stopped and rolled off of her in shock; things had seemed to be going well. He didn’t know what he had done wrong; he was definitely out of practice, but he still knew a thing or two.

“It’s not you Dunky,” Loretta explained, “it’s me, really it’s me! Something’s just missing…”

“Missing? And what’s that?”

“Would you do something for me, something that would make everything alright..?”

Duncan nodded his head, telling her “I’ll do anything, anything you ask!”

“Okay…” Loretta said. “Behind you, in a row against the wall, are twelve hat stands.

Duncan glanced over his shoulder and noticed her impressive collection of hats for the first time.

“Go to the first hat stand on the left and choose a hat, any hat, just choose one and choose one quickly! GO DUNKY GO!”

Duncan had never seen so may hats in all his life, a dozen hat stands with dozens upon dozens of hats upon each of them. It was quite the sight; hats of all different shapes, styles, sizes, and colours. It was honestly a bit overwhelming, being suddenly forced to choose one.

Then, suddenly, without further hesitation, Duncan lunged in all his nudity for the first hatstand on the left, grabbing a bright blue beret adorned with ridiculous plastic flowers. As he slapped it down onto his head, several of the flowers came loose and fell to the floor.

He leapt back onto the bed and resumed his passionate lovemaking, shedding plastic flowers all over Loretta and her bed as he rammed it home.

He was in mid-stroke when Loretta abruptly cried, “STOP DUNKY IT ISN’T RIGHT, IT’S NOT WORKING FOR ME! STOP! DUNKY! STOP!”

Duncan pulled out and looked at Loretta with wild confusion in his eyes. “What the fuck is it?” he gasped between breaths. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s the hat Dunky, it just isn’t the right one; you’ll have to try another. Go to the second hat stand on the left and grab a hat and DO IT NOW, I’M REALLY HOT FOR YOU DUNKY!”

Again, Duncan launched off the bed, this time coming back with a bright red and yellow sunhat with a wide plastic brim. Duncan slammed it down on his head and wasted no time at all jumping back on Loretta.

He hadn’t been going at her very long before she cried out once again, “STOP DUNKY! STOP! IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT! SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING! STOP DUNKY!”

“It’s the fucking hat again, isn’t it?” Duncan said. “WHAT IS IT WITH THESE FUCKING HATS?”

“DUNCAN, I’M HOT AND I NEED YOU INSIDE ME NOW! PLEASE, GO TO THE FIFTH HAT STAND FROM THE LEFT AND GET A HAT! IT’LL WORK THIS TIME, GO DUNKY GO!”

Once again, Duncan scrambled off the bed, grabbing a hat without looking from the designated hat stand. This one was a lustrous leather Australian outback hat with scores of wine corks dangling from its brim. They assaulted his face as he dashed back into bed, but he ignored the annoyance and got back down to business.

Within a few moments Loretta screamed, “NO DUNKY! STOP! YOU MUST STOP DUNKY! IT JUST ISN’T RIGHT!”

Duncan backed off of her, ripped the hat from off his head and threw it across the room.

“FUCKING HATS! FUCKING HATS!” he screamed in frustration. “FUCKING GODDAMN ROTTEN HATS!”

“DUNKY! I HAVE IT! THIS TIME I KNOW IT WILL WORK! DUNKY GO TO THE WARDROBE AND THERE YOU WILL FIND THE SPECIAL HAT THAT IS MAGIC! GO GET IT DUNKY! IN THE WARDROBE! GO DUNKY GO!”

With some reservation this time, Duncan raced over to the wardrobe and threw open its doors. He looked inside and had to take a step back to appreciate the view. It was the biggest fucking hat he had ever seen! A monstrous violet velvet Stetson, which he promptly snatched and heaved up onto his head.

Darkness overtook him as the huge floppy brim swallowed him to his knees. Stumbling towards the bed, he crashed into the nightstand and banged his kneecap on its corner, whereupon he tripped and fell face-first onto the floor. He lay there as he felt the warm ooze of blood begin to trickle from his nose.

All the while, Loretta kept screaming, “DUNKY! DUNKY! OVER HERE! I’M HOT AND WAITING FOR YOU DUNKY! QUICKLY! QUICKLY! HURRY! HURRY DUNKY!”

With the last of his strength and patience, Duncan wrestled himself and the massive hat up onto the bed. Loretta crawled in there with him and together they fucked beneath its floppy brim.

Within a moments, Loretta was writhing in ecstasy.

“OH! OH, DUNKY THIS IS IT! THIS IT IT! DUNKY! I’TS WORKING DUNKY! IT’S WORKING! OH DUNKY MARRY ME! MARRY ME DUNKY!”

Duncan couldn’t see what he was doing in the darkness, he had a mouthful of lint, his nose was bleeding and his knee seemed seriously injured, but one thing he knew for sure:

He was having the ride of his fucking life.

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