Johnny Scarlotti

What a Day

after we got drunk
and after we fucked
some dribbled out of her butt
to the bathroom floor
and she slipped
on the jizz
and hit her head and
got knocked out
and like a good boyfriend
I carried her to the bed
tucked her in
and let her sleep it off

she wakes up
in the middle of the night
and I ask how she’s feeling
she starts screaming
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”
and I try to calm her down but
she pulls a can of mace
from her purse
and sprays my face
and the dog is barking
and biting my ankles

she runs out of the house
screaming
“CALL THE POLICE
HELP
THERE’S A RAPER IN MY HOUSE”
I can hear neighbors opening their doors
and a commotion
dragging the dog by my ankle
I try to follow her outside
to explain the situation to everyone
and a neighbor has a shotgun
pointed at my chest

so I go back inside

and then the cops come
kicking down the door
I’m standing with my hands in the air
“GETDOWNGETDOWNGETDOWN”
before I can register what they’re saying
I get tased, three times
and her dog fried to death
but I’m alright
she remembers who I am now

what a day

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