Next Year In Jerusalem

Mom wants us to move to Israel. She made the decision after the second time someone scrawled “kike” on my locker with a Sharpie. I didn’t mean to make a big thing out of it. I got a paper towel from the bathroom and soaked it in warm water and soap. I tried my best to scrub the word off the blue steel while a few other kids watched me in silence, but the ink just wouldn’t budge. A Russian janitor passed by pushing a mop and a bucket, and I asked him for some help. That turned out to be a mistake. 

The janitor managed to remove the slur with some rubbing alcohol and elbow grease. But he must’ve told someone in the administration, because an hour later I was called into the principal’s office over the PA. I was happy to leave math in the middle of a quiz, but my good spirits died the moment I saw the school counselor and Mom were there waiting for me. Mom was hunched in a fold-out chair and was red in the face as she tried not to cry.

The school counselor tried talking to me about how I was feeling. I insisted that I was fine and that this sort of thing was part of being a Jew in a small town, but she was hearing none of it. She told me about how unsafe and traumatized I must feel. Some of what she said was true, but she didn’t have any business knowing that. 

At some point I let it slip that it was the second time that had happened. That turned out to be the biggest mistake I’d made yet. The school counselor brought a manicured hand to her lips and Mom started balling. The principal quietly suggested that I should go home early. At least I didn’t mind that. The whole thing didn’t come up again until a few days later, at Shabbat dinner.

Mom took a deep sip of wine and stared into the flame flickering on the melting candle she had said a prayer over minutes earlier. “I think we should move to Israel,” she said. Dad almost choked on the forkful of steak he’d been chewing. Dad coughed and pounded his chest with a fist until the cow flesh was successfully swallowed and death was averted. He got up to pour himself a glass of water, drained it, then came back.

“Israel?” Dad asked as he sat down. 

“Israel,” Mom confirmed. 

“But both our jobs are here,” said Dad. “Our families are here. The kids’ friends are here. Our lives our here.”

“I want to live in a Jewish community, in a Jewish state,” said Mom. “I don’t want to live in a town where folk write hate speech on our son’s lockers any longer. I’m tired of always being an outsider.”

Dad glanced at me and my sister. We’d both stopped eating and were watching the conversation unfold between our parents in rapt silence. I’d left a chunk of skewered steak abandoned on the tines of my fork.

“Perhaps we should talk more about this later,” said Dad. “When we’re alone.”

Mom shot Dad a look that could have made Godzilla stop dead in the middle of destroying Tokyo, but she didn’t say anything else. We spoke no more about it that evening, although it was clearly on everyone’s mind. 

I didn’t mind the thought of leaving Rhinebeck. There isn’t much to do here but go to farmer’s markets and high school football games, and neither of those are of any interest to me. New York City is about a two hour and half hours’ drive south, which is the exact worst distance it could be. It’s close enough to be tantalizing, but far enough that we never go. But I didn’t really know much about Israel yet.

I knew Israel was a country in The Middle East. I knew that its political situation was complicated, although no one had ever taken the time to really explain it to me. I also knew that my whole life, older Jews had been telling me that Israel was my homeland. I never really understood that. I’m American.

For as long as I could remember, the final words of every Passover seder were, “Next year in Jerusalem”. I felt relieved when those words finally came, because it meant that I could leave the table and rituals behind to play Xbox alone in my room. But I never understood why my parents said them. There was nothing stopping us from hopping on a plane the next time Passover came around and having our seder in Jerusalem, but we never did. My parents knew we wouldn’t, even as they said those words, but they said them anyway. I guess that’s religion for you. I wondered if this past Passover was the first time those words might not have been a lie after all. 

“My mom wants us to move to Israel,” I told a friend of mine the next day. We were biking over to another friend’s house the next day to play Dungeons & Dragons, like we did every Saturday. There weren’t any cars on the road and we biked at a lackadaisical speed that made conversation easy. He’s the only other Jewish kid I’m friends with, so he’s the only person I really felt comfortable mentioning it to. If anyone would get it, it’s him.

“Is it because of what they wrote on your locker?” my other Jewish friend asked. I told him that it was. I’d tried to keep the whole thing quiet, but people found out anyway. The fact that the slur was visible to anyone walking down the hallway probably hadn’t helped.

“That’s pretty heavy, man,” said my Jewish friend. “You know if you move to Israel, you’ll have to join the army when you turn eighteen? Your sister too.”

I told him that I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that at all. Did Mom really want my sister and I to have to fight in a war? I didn’t like having to scrub hate speech off my locker, but it sure beat digging a bullet out of my lungs. 

We reached our other friend’s house and rested our bikes against the garage. We knocked and his mom let us in. Knowing exactly where to go, we went straight down the stairs and into the subterranean lair that our friend had made his own. Most people would call it a basement, but that doesn’t feel like the right word.

The lair is filled with LED lights of every color. Every inch of the walls are covered with posters of heavy metal bands and horror movies and colorful illustrations of large breasted women wielding broadswords. It’s to the point where there’s not even a visible spec of the gray cement walls beneath. An old doom metal LP spun on a turntable hooked up to an impressive sound system, because our friend considers himself too cool for Spotify.

Our friend was waiting for us in his lair with the game all set up on a foldout card table. He’s the dungeon master, and he’d been preparing for this all week. Our fourth friend had beat us there, and she sat on a beanbag chair beside the dungeon master. She’s the only girl who’ll talk to us. The dungeon master is openly in love with her and I’m secretly in love with her. We’re both pretty sure she doesn’t know about either affection. 

“Good, we’re all here,” said the dungeon master. The dungeon master handed out our character sheets while my Jewish friend slipped his backpack off his shoulders. My Jewish friend pulled out a small clear baggie and some corresponding apparatuses. He pulled some nuggets of a controlled plant substance out of the baggie. He grinded the nuggets into a thin powder and loaded them into a glass bowl while we chatted. The dungeon master and I both spoke over each other trying to engage the only girl who’d talk to us. This resulted in her not speaking much to either of us. We began the game once the bowl was packed. 

That week we led the invasion of an orc fortress. We passed around the bowl and the bag of dice. Everyone except me had a good time. I played well and strategically, and my barbaric alter ego ended many an orc’s life with swings of his axe.

But every time the dungeon master described a cloud of black arrows flying toward us, all I could imagine was dodging gunfire in the desert. Everytime I rolled a high number and the dungeon master informed me that I had successfully killed another foe, all I could imagine was the life leaving its bulbous, imaginary orc face. I couldn’t help but wonder if that orc really deserved to die. After all, we were the ones invading. 

What had the orcs done wrong besides being born big and green with sharp teeth and tufts of hair in the wrong places? The Monster Manual describes them as chaotic evil, but that seems like quite a generalization. And anyway, I didn’t know if the Monster Manual was a source that could really be trusted. For all I know, whoever wrote the Monster Manual could be harboring some terrible prejudices against orc kind.

By the time the game was over, we had conquered the orc fortress and smoked everything my Jewish friend had brought. We hung out for a bit longer, just talking and watching TV. Eventually, the only girl who’d talk to us’s mom came to pick her up in time for dinner. My Jewish friend and I got on our bikes to head home soon after. We biked in the same direction for a while. My brain felt like it was encased in jelly, and I had trouble keeping my bike moving in a straight line. 

“You alright?” asked my Jewish friend.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “I’m just kinda high. Also, I really don’t want to have to join the Israeli army.”

“Then don’t move to Israel,” advised my Jewish friend.

I got home just as Mom was finishing cooking as my sister wrapped up setting the table for dinner. I could hear the Yankees game echoing from the connected living room. I didn’t have to enter to know Dad would be slouching on the couch watching it. There’s never any expectation for either him nor I to help with dinner. It’s not in my best interest to question such things.

“You’re home,” said Mom as I burst through the front door. “I wasn’t sure if you’d make it.” 

“Mom, I don’t want to move to Israel,” I said. 

Mom looked up from the vegetables she was arranging into a salad bowl and narrowed her eyes at me. Her hands kept working even as her gaze settled on me, transferring lettuce and cherry tomatoes from their plastic packaging into a big ceramic bowl. My sister watched us with eyes that had grown big beneath her glasses while her mouth was as silent as ever. She’s never been big on talking.

“You don’t know what you want,” said Mom. 

“I know I don’t want to join the army during a war,” I said. “That seems dangerous.”

“You won’t have to join until you turn eighteen,” said Mom. “Maybe the war will be over by then.”

I didn’t know a lot about the conflict in Israel. I didn’t know whether it had the potential to wrap up in the next few years. But what I did know gave me the impression that was unlikely. 

“Do you really want to bet my life on that?” I asked. Mom started crying. She didn’t move the salad bowl, and her tears smothered the lettuce like ranch dressing. I heard the baseball game click off and Dad walked into the kitchen.

“What did you do?” he scolded. “You’ve made your mother cry.” 

My sister was in the room too, but there was no question which one of us he was speaking to. Dad didn’t have to see what had happened to know whose fault it was.

“I just told her that I don’t want to move to Israel,” I said.

“You didn’t just tell me that,” said Mom. 

Dinner was tense and mostly silent. Dad was the only one who hadn’t seen Mom cry into the salad. He took a big bit of lettuce and made a face when he tasted the tears. He swallowed the portion that had already made its way into his mouth as quickly as he could. He then discreetly lowered his salad fork and didn’t raise it for the rest of the meal. I excused myself after I finished my chicken, as I usually did. My sister waited for my parents to excuse her as well, as she usually did.

Mom came into my room a couple of hours later without knocking. She never knocked. I didn’t bother pausing my Xbox as she entered. I just kept wandering around a peaceful meadow. The game I was playing had monsters lurking around every crevice, but I didn’t really feel like facing them at that moment. That felt a little too real, so I just kept frolicking in a virtual meadow.

“We should talk,” said Mom. She walked over to my desk, pulled out the chair and sat. I just kept running around in the virtual meadow. I even caught a butterfly.

“I know you’re nervous about moving. Picking up and going halfway across the world must be scary to a kid,” she said. “But I need you to trust that as your mother, I really know what’s best for you and your sister.”

“But if we go, I’ll have to fight in the war,” I said.

“Military service is something that every Jewish boy and girl in Israel goes through when they grow up,” said Mom. “You’ll be defending our Jewish homeland, the land that God promised us.”

“I don’t believe in God,” I said. 

“You say that because you’re fifteen,” said Mom. “You’ll believe in God again when you get older.”

I thought that seemed unlikely. But there wasn’t much to do other than wait until I got older and see who was right. 

“Well, at least as of right now, I definitely don’t believe in God. I don’t know anything about Israel, and it doesn’t feel like my homeland,” I said. “America feels like my homeland. But I wouldn’t even fight a war to defend America, so I definitely don’t see why you want to sign me up to fight for Israel.”

“You’re focusing too much on the military service part,” said Mom. “There’s so much more to Israel than that. We’ll be returning to the land of our ancestors. For the first time in your life, you’ll be in a primarily Jewish community. You finally won’t be on the outside looking in.”

“I think I’ll be on the outside looking in wherever I go,” I said honestly. “And I’m ok with that.”

“Well, I’m your mother. Believe it or not, I know more than you do.”

“What does Dad think about moving to Israel?” I asked.

“I’m still working on your father,” said Mom. “But he’ll come around. In his heart, he must know what’s best for all of us.”

Mom got up and left my room. There wasn’t any room for further discussion. I played video games until I fell asleep, carefully avoiding any battles or conflicts that couldn’t be solved with the right dialogue options. 

That was weeks ago. The weekly D&D sessions with my friends give me panic attacks that I try my best to hide whenever it’s my turn to reach for the dice bag. I don’t play violent video games anymore because I can’t enjoy them. My dreams are filled with bullets and explosions and my own blood spilling over hot sand. But there’s nothing I can do, because Mom wants us to move to Israel.

The Podophile

I didn’t want to admit that I found her feet the most attractive part of her, that I had been drawn to her from the outset by the promise that the high-heeled red pumps she had on encased a pair of perfectly high-arched, daintily-toed dogs. And so it was. But is it necessary to tell a paramour about such a fetish or kink—is it a kink? I don’t know but I can’t stand being without her. I truly can’t stand it. And by that I mean I can’t stand to be away from her feet. 

When I see her after any prolonged chunk of time, I am beside myself, short of breath, almost on the point of urination. But in all honesty, her face, which is an ordinary face, neither beautiful nor ugly, neither here nor there, and her body, sturdy if not perfectly proportioned, and her personality, neither scintillating nor grating—these elements of her person do not keep me enthralled. No. It’s her feet. 

For me her perfect feet represent an idealization of womanhood, and an idealization of all that makes me happy to be alive and happy to be a man. Would I admire them—worship is too strong—as much were I a woman? Perhaps. Depending on my persuasion. My current persuasion battles efforts to play it cool with the feet. Don’t make too much of them, I have to remind myself. Don’t gawk at them. Don’t tell her it’s okay to go barefoot in your apartment, that indeed you’d prefer it if she would, floor’s clean. She’s no dummy. And don’t hold them when you’re making love. It can get weird. She said it was weird one night when we had a particularly fervid session. 

She said, “Why do you keep holding my feet, man? It’s creeping me out.” 

I let go of her feet and spent the rest of the night with my face in my hands. Where do we go from here? I don’t know. What do you do when you find what you think you’ve been looking for all your adult life? Does it all come down to feet, for me? Is that pathetic? Do I need help? I don’t know if I need help. 

“Hi honey,” I say one night when I drop by her place for a visit. I’ve brought Chinese food for us in the little white cartons you see in movies but which actually don’t exist in these parts. 

“Isn’t that sweet,” she says, smooching me and grabbing the cartons. 

I notice with a rush of blood to my head that she’s barefoot. We sit at her kitchen island and eat with chopsticks. I’m pretty good with mine. She struggles a little and finally drops the sticks and fetches a fresh fork. 

“Do me a solid,” I say. 

“Anything dear,” she says. 

“Should I take you at your word?” I say. 

She pauses her fork and tilts her head. “What is it?‘ she says. 

“Would you put your feet up on the island while we eat?” I ask. 

She furls her brow and drops the fork. “What?” she says. 

“I, um, was joking,” I say. 

“How is that a joke?‘ she says. 

“Never mind,” I say. 

But with great regret and remorse I realize that nothing will be the same after this, nothing.   

I Am Become Kilo

“pan·psy·chism  (păn-sī-kĭz’əm)

n.

The view that all matter has consciousness.”

–The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Online

Being a coca leaf is easy. My worries are few, and loneliness cannot exist when one has many other leaves living on the same branch with them. My thoughts are simple, consisting of: Sunlight…then Water, on something like an infinite loop. But then one day a boy approaches my branch, and everything changes. The boy wears a straw hat and a yellow and black striped silk shirt that makes him look like a giant bee. Around his hand he wears a coarse band of something like burlap. He does this, I learn, so that he can rip meand my brothers and sisters from the branch. Then he tosses us into a basket made of frayed straw while I scream in a way that reaches his ears as silence. 

At this point, I still think of sunlight and rain, but it’s not like before, where I awaited them and celebrated them when they arrived. Instead I’m pining for them, missing them, crying for them, as are my brothers and sisters. We rustle around together, whoosh and crinkle. We can feel the sere brown blotches, death encroaching on the desiccated flesh of our leaves. 

We are carried uphill, into a shadowy part of the jungle protected with a triple canopy of dark green leaves. The boy moves toward a log hut with a thatched straw roof. He walks past a shaggy yellow-coated dog, piebald with mange, that spends all its time leaned back on its hind legs, scratching a rash on its hide.

Farther up the hill, next to the hut, is a barrel that has been sliced in half, filled with collected rainwater. A naked bronze-skinned girl stands there bathing, the waterline even with the tines of her thin ribs, diaphragm swelling to raise her breasts with milk buds like brown rubber. The water she tosses over her black hair is murky with scummed film dissolving in greasy bubbles from the chunk of soap. The oily lather takes on all the colors of the rainbow, turning her barrelful of water into a glowing magical font.  

She throws more water on her wet hair, and the beads cascade down her back, moving in the runnel of her spine’s slight curve like fattened raindrops. 

The boy who ripped me and the other leaves from the trees watches the girl some more, his mouth open enough to catch horseflies. Finally, the girl’s protector (or owner) speaks up:

“Keep looking at my sister like that and I’ll poke your eyes out of your big head.” 

This man wears a planter’s hat and smokes a maize cob pipe, and stands beneath the overhang of a thatch-roofed hut. This man is like a sturdy tree next to the sapling burdened with his bag of coca leaves. The boy—like all creatures—wants to pollinate, but knows he must either grow larger first, or find another flower besides this one potted inside in the waterlogged drum. To fight for this particular flower might cost him dearly.

Besides, right now he needs his own food: pesos. He gets a pile of them in exchange for me and my brothers and sister, then disappears with his money. The man puts us next to other baskets that eventually get picked up by a white pickup truck covered with a coat of rust. 

***

We’re dumped from the dark confines of the burlap bag into a square pen like where the humans slop their hogs. A man holds a tool ringed with blades like a mouth filled with sharp teeth, wearing green hip-wader boots and a matching oilskin apron. He walks into the pen with us and starts the motor on his metal-toothed monster, which spits out fetid, blearing exhaust. 

The blades begin to whap, and we dance in the downwash of the sharply spinning points.

The man holds the blade-toothed tool over us, walking slowly and in straight lines, slicing us into shredded piles of yellowish-green matter. I can hear moans, and tiny pieces of what I once was shred into insignificant chips that comingle with the other fragments. The pain is like having the veins of your leaves devoured by hungry fire ants.

Then the man exits the pen, and other younger men come in wearing heavy rubber boots. They stomp and squish and our screaming fragments congeal into slurry that sloshes like grapes becoming wine.  

They pour poisons on us that sting and blear, and burn. They cannot hear us cough and we hear nothing over the sound of our own heaving, an agonized choir harmonizing into a single lament.   

Eventually, after all of the stomping and cutting and pouring, I and the shreds of my friends are stirred and pounded until we become one thick wedge. Like a block of cheese.

The largest man—face pitted with scars and nicked with divots from knife fights—holds us in his hand and smiles. His teeth are yellow and rotted, like weevil-plagued seed maize.

His smile doesn’t last long, though, for another man breaks through the thickets of palm trees and approaches him.

“You were light last time.” This other man wears a khaki uniform and a black hat with a stiff brim with a little golden symbol pinned on it. He is flanked by two other men with similar hats and uniforms, but they have no gold bar to boast. “I’ll take that.”

The soldier holds out his hand, while the two smaller men behind him choke up on their shooting sticks. They try to look tall and calm, but they squirm and their eyes dart nervously around. 

The ugly man starts to smile again, then looks back toward the men behind him, the ones in rubber boots. These smaller men don’t look scared, even though they only have the tool with its blades like metal petals on a giant silver flower.

“Okay,” the man with bad teeth says, still smiling. But then the smile drops from his face and he shouts in loud Spanish, “Tu desayuna está aquí, mi negrita!” His voice echoes, and then there is the metallic ting of a cage door springing open. 

The trees rustle, whispering, and something emerges from the jungle. It is a jet-black beast, its coat shining like polished onyx, each muscle flexing as its haunches shift. It springs forward on four legs, green eyes glowing like unholy jade and teeth brandished like curved ivory-white daggers. 

The beast snarls, and its green eyes turn a sickly yellow, the jaundiced jewels burning in its black skull. It leans back on its haunches, ready to pounce, perhaps waiting for the right word, or waiting for the soldiers to run. 

The golden soldier gulps, pretending he can’t hear the drumbeat of his heart pounding in his temples. His trembling right hand drifts to his leather belt. He tickles the loopholes with shaky fingers, eyes flitting between Ugly Teeth and the beast stalking forward. The ugly-toothed man warns the golden soldier to stop tickling his belt. One of the lesser soldiers behind his leader is already half-turned, the whites of his eyes wide, ready to disappear into the dark forest. The other soldier flanking the golden man doesn’t flinch, though sweat spills in profuse sheets from beneath the bucket brim of his boonie hat.

At last the pantera launches itself for the golden soldier, with a snarl that sends the birds in the trees flying toward the clear blue sky.

The golden soldier shrieks, draws his small handheld boomer from his belt, but it’s too late. The panther pushes him to the ground. Its black claws are so sharp that they slice him without trying, shredding his brown khaki shirt and tearing through the skin beneath the cloth. His flesh splits easily, ribboning, unfurling in thick bloody strips like parchment, greased with exposed fat and muscle.  

Then there is a rip like rending burlap, only instead of a brown dust cloud like from sackcloth, a red mist rises into the air. 

The man shrieks. One of the soldiers behind him, shaking, turns and disappears into the trees. The other soldier, his rifle rattling in his hands, looks from the panther chewing the golden soldier toward the dark woods. He chooses the dark woods.

The panther sinks its teeth into the poor man’s skull, cracking it like a nut. 

A splatter of the screaming soldier’s blood hits us, and soaks into the block of strange cheese that we have become.

The blood doesn’t taste like rainwater, but it feeds me. 

***

We’re cocooned in the wicker basket, placed snug in the flatbed of a fruit truck, and hidden beneath large piles of pineapples. The spiky-plated skin of the fruits prickles against the basket, but I don’t fear the sting. Nothing could ever scare me after seeing the panther crack the screaming soldier’s skull like a coconut, nor sting like the blades on the weedwhacker.

And even when we are dragged against a cheese grater and stung with chemicals that burn, it doesn’t really hurt. I’m so tired of being anything besides a coca leaf that I let them do whatever they want, without caring. 

I drift off into a lifeless state, until, after a while, I have no choice but to sense again, as we have changed form and location once more. 

Now we are compacted together into a yellowish-white brick, flying in the belly of a giant metal bird, stacked as one stone in a pyramid among other such bricks. Have we been swallowed, maybe eaten up by a condor vulture with black angel wings? I wait to be digested, to disappear in a bath of stomach acids, hoping, that unlike the other acids, these ones will dissolve me forever rather than just burning.

Then I hear a voice belonging to a man. It’s gruff, speaks slowly, in a language I’ve never heard before. The voice is mellow, sonorous but deep, like birdsong mixed with a bullfrog’s mating call. This is a voice that can calm the fears of others. He sings as he flies, steering the bird from within its metallic braincase. And he sings the same songs so many times and in so many variations (whistling, humming, improvising his own usually-dirty words) that I learn the melodies and lyrics.

By the time the man lands on a private island that’s mostly palms and white stone buildings, I know Smuggler’s Blues and Treetop Flyer by heart. I hum them to myself without cease, using song to ease the pain and pass the time, just as humans did when laboring in the field under the sun. But then the rest of the grains in the kilo groan, having had enough, begging me to stop. 

So I cease my offkey singing, sparing them. 

We disappear into a velvety blackness, and I can feel us rollicking along in a new way. We are not gliding through the air in the man-bird, nor are we bumping along the road in the flatbed that farts its noxious gas.

Instead, we float, bobbing up and down, and as I listen, I hear the hiss of water.

Maybe, I think, we will drink water again. It has been so long since I have tasted the pure rainwater.

El agua nos arruinará, idiota, another part of the kilo says. It is the first time I have been called an idiot, and it hurts. But I fear the other part is right, that we will melt if hit with the water that I can hear sloshing around.

What’s more, this water is spiced with something that bites with an acrid spite, like the caustic acids poured over us in previous stages of this process. The water, I realize, is filled with salt, and parts in a wake of crystalline waves as the boat we’re in cuts a path toward the shoreline.

***

We pupate from the velvet-lined interior of an alligator-hide suitcase. I can see and breathe again, but going from total darkness to such brightness is almost like going blind. 

The hotel room has white walls, white leather sofas and chairs, and a balcony with a glass door letting in sunlight. It’s so bright in fact that the man and woman in the room wear their sunglasses just to protect their eyes.

For a while they ignore us. Then the man undoes the buttons of his shirt covered in palm trees at sunset, and yanks a small ivory-handled stick from a leather pouch on his belt. He presses a button that goes flick and a shining blade appears. 

He comes over to the pile of kilos, and brings his knife down. It looks like the point is going to get jammed into my bag. But he changes his mind at the last second and stabs the bag next to ours. I hear a thousand tiny grams screaming in unison, while he hears nothing but the pumping of blood in his veins, and its throbbing in his temples. Then he brings the sharp tip of the blade up to the two holes above his mouth and sniffs! hard once.

The woman speaks in Spanish, a language I have not heard for some time. “Don’t do too much of that shit.”

“Shut up, bitch,” he says.

I wait for her to get angry, but instead she just comes to him where he hovers over the suitcase. Her blue silken robe is open, her milk buds visible, hardened by the sea salt breeze and her hunger for us.

He sticks the knife back into the screaming bag and holds the sharp silver point out to her. The pile is like a peace offering. She makes the snort! sound and her face does a funny little twitch. Then both their hearts beat hard as war drums, and in the same kind of synchronized martial fury. The man forgets about us for a brief time, and we all feel relief as his rage flows elsewhere. 

Now he stabs his knife hard into the table covered in a white linen cloth where shells of devoured crustaceans and wineglasses sit on silver platters. 

He and the woman move over to the bed, and the smell of their strange pollination is in the air. It’s a feverous hothouse honey, a mating ritual involving no brown midges or buzzing bees or windblown spore. Just the man grunting and the woman moaning, a thrust and counterthrust as violent as his knife plunging into the table. They continue to insult each other, cursing, hating each other even in the throes of their passion that makes their racing hearts pound so that both might explode.

Then they do something that makes no sense to us, or any other species. They decouple at the moment where the miracle might pass between them, and their two bodies might make a third through the fertilization of the female’s loamy soil.

The man spills his pearlescent drops of life upon the woman’s tanned belly. She isn’t confused, like us, by this precious rain of life with no receptacle except the sloped gourd of her stomach. Rather she is angry that some of his seed has spilled onto her blue silk kimono. She curses him in Spanish fouler than any I have ever heard (and I have been around poor men who slave in the sun twelve hours a day.) 

The man does the smart thing and backs away from a potential fight with this mad two-legged leopardess. Unfortunately, when he flees her, he runs back toward us, who can hear the cardiac-clenched screams of his heart with its choked arteries. If she doesn’t kill him now, we will soon. 

The fleshy stamen on his body stands up, pointing like a blade, and I wonder if he is going to stab a bag with it. Instead he clutches the ivory handle of his knife, grits his teeth, and pulls the weapon free from the table’s groaning wood, making the lobster shells shake and tremble.

He looks at the bag he’s already sliced open, and I can feel his thoughts, smell them in the beads of his sweat. He wants to snort more, but is afraid not only of the crazy woman, but of other crazy men, all made crazier by coca and the money it brings.

He fights the desire to snort more, but then a wave of chills hits him hard, and nausea makes him quake. The sickness sends tremors through him, and settles over his body like a dark cloud. That this cloud won’t leave him—or even worse, that it might grow bigger—scares him more than the thought of the crazy men, or another argument with the woman. And the only way to get the cloud to lift is to snort again. 

He sticks the tip of the blade back into the bag, slowly. When he brings it up to his nose, he breathes gently. The powder sneaks inside his nostrils, dissolving after a sniff into membranes already slick with blood and mucus.

“You’re not taking another toot, are you?”

“Just a bump,” he assures her.

Having been weighed, cut, processed, reduced, mixed with burning quinine and milky baby powder, I have learned a bit about the humans and their weights and measures. And I know that the pull he took, however discreet, was not “just a bump.” His body knows it, too, and responds accordingly. His face twitches several times like the spasming, seizing muscle of a hunted animal that has been running too long. His eyes nictitate like those of a tree lizard. He grinds his jaw so that we can hear the scream of his teeth cracking their enamel, sanding the grains into a powder fine as us. And still he cannot stop.

The cocaine grains laugh around me, in concert, a wicked choir, reveling in their revenge. The humans who caused them to be torn from the tree have now been made slaves of the lowest kind.

The cocaine grains stop laughing as the man comes down again with a silver spoon. A spoon should be less scary than a knife, but this time it isn’t, because this spoon is going to separate us from one-another. Once more, I’ll have to get used to the rhythms of a new me. Not only that, but I’m going to be further mixed with chemicals. And to be diluted is to both be deceived and become deceptive, both lie and liar.  

The man touches me as he mixes and stirs. The back of his hand crawls with black, spidery hairs. On his wrist is a watch, glaciated with living ice, diamond bezels and shiny pinkish gold that matches the tint of his smoked-rose sunglasses.

I can feel his dreams as he stirs and mixes. He’s so deep in his fevered reverie that he doesn’t even hear the jibe lobbed by the señorita on the bed behind him. She says, We’re selling yay, not trying to make their linens whiter. But he just keeps mixing, adding more bleach to cover what he snorted, until the cocaine smells stronger of chlorine than this hotel’s swimming pool. 

He is lost in a vision of himself as the helmsman of a yacht cutting through blue water so clear he can see shadow bands on the sandy seafloor. And instead of just the golden cross around his neck, he imagines himself with a giant bejeweled medallion shaped like a ship’s anchor draped over his potbelly. Rather than one woman who argues with him and makes him feel small, he is surrounded by three women in white bikinis who make him feel big. They dote on him, pouring champagne into his glass that overflows and spills onto the ship’s spotless white deck.

When he is finished mixing and stirring, he wraps me in plastic and sets me, along with four other kilos, in a blue Adidas gym bag.

I hear the flick of the zipper, a quick zink! as it’s being pulled closed. Then I am back in the darkness I’ve learned to love, so different from the sun I once knew. 

***

The light returns, but it is not the sun. It’s the sick shine of fluorescence, designed by humans to torture other humans.

The man before me deals with the pain caused by the harsh light and the pain caused by everything else in the only way humans know how. He splits a bag and snorts. But he is more civil than any other human I’ve ever seen, and instead of using a knife, he pierces the Saran wrap with a little plastic straw.  

Pieces of me disappear up his nose. Then he reaches a finger inside the bag, runs the digit through the powder, and sticks his finger in his mouth, as if brushing his teeth and gums. But that one taste isn’t enough. And he returns, greedily snorting like an anteater I once saw who couldn’t stop licking fire ants from a log.

This man, unlike the last one, is still wearing all his work clothes, a white shirt and a red-striped tie, with brown khaki pants. We are in an office, with a lamp, a computer, a shelfful of books, and a desk made of polished wood hewn from a long-dead tree.  

The door to his office opens. It is also made of wood but the rest of the office is made of glass panes and steel beams. And when this other man comes in and slams the door, the glass and steel rattle.

The loud sound makes Numb Man’s heart stutter. 

“You think I’m paying three large a zone for laundry detergent?” the man who slammed the door says. 

“The fuck you talking about?” Numb Man is trying not to sound scared, but I can hear his heart thundering like a terremoto.

“I’m talking about you stepping on those ounces, making them twenty-twos instead of twenty-eights. And putting the rest up your nose.” The man pauses, looks at Numb Man. “And in your mouth, or are you going to tell me you come to this car dealership at two a.m. to eat powdered donuts?”

“I came here to give you your blow.”

“I’ll take it,” the other man says, “and that excess you’ve been stashing behind the acoustical drop tile up there in the ceiling.”

Angry Man pulls out a gun, a pistol like the one the golden soldier drew when trying to stop the panther. No way can Numb Man get the drop on Angry Man now. But Numb Man has us rushing through his bloodstream, bursting blood vessels in his nose, filling him with thoughts of his own invincibility. And he draws his gun.  

Both men shoot and fire flashes. Smoke fills the air. The bulb on the desk lamp shatters, making everything darker, making our grains stand out even whiter, phosphorescent in the night. Numb Man is face down on the desk, an amoeba-shaped pool of purple blood expanding around him, staining his white shirt a dark wine color.

Angry Man is no longer the Angry Man. He is the Hurt Man, bleeding, a flower pulled from the ground with perhaps enough water left in its roots to survive a day, if it is strong. He puts us back in the blue Adidas gym bag. Some of us spills out onto the desk, mixing with the blood. 

The cocaine granules sigh as they taste the lifeforce of the Numb Man. It took us a while to become accustomed to the taste of human blood. Now we have become as addicted to their blood as they have to our life. 

All life, I realize as the blood enters me, is lived at the expense of other life. Even as plants we once lived at the expense of the sun burning itself black to fuse hydrogen into helium, via a bloodsucking called photosynthesis. 

The Hurt Man groans, ignoring the leaking powder because his blood is leaking even faster. Then there is a sound, a call like a bird of prey crying from the depths of its syrinx.

This sound is followed by light as magic as the plumage of the rarest rara avis. It is blue and red, red and blue, pulsing in consistent strobes to counterpoint the syrinx shriek. I think the light is beautiful, yet Hurt Man is not happy to see it. Hurt Man raises his gun again, but he is too weak to do much more than threaten the humans outside, who are more powerful than he. 

There is more fire, and smoke, and Hurt Man becomes, like Numb Man, a dead man. 

I resolve myself to being taken by this next group of men, and mixed and cut and adulterated until my soul is as small as that of Numb Man. But that’s not what happens. Instead, we are carried from the office, seized, in the words of a man with brown eyes and a brown mustache like a caterpillar crawling across his upper lip. He brings us to his car with its bird syrinx and the plumes of strobing light. 

He takes us to a room with a grillwork door made of cold steel, the walls of exposed and crumbling ancient brick. 

In this room are many shelves. On the shelves are other things that have made their own treks here from disparate places, sitting in corrugated cardboard boxes, open-faced coffins. In the boxes are jewels, like the ones that once shined on the drug dealer’s wristwatch, and guns like the ones men use when they stop using words. The jewels have stories, of the necks of dying men from which they were snatched. The guns tell their own tales, of being gripped in hands slick with fear sweat, and the exchange of shots leaving men dead and smoke rising high in clouds. 

Finally I tune out their voices, and let them murmur and boast through the nights we spend in the small room under the harsh lights. I should be sad, because my new cardboard home is much less comfortable than an alligator-skinned suitcase or even a silk-lined gym bag. And I should be sad because I am fed my least favorite light, fluorescence, a cold substitute for the warmth of the Colombian sun I once knew.

But a woman comes by, wearing rubber gloves and holding a pen in her hand, and she affixes a little tag to my box. Someone makes a joke about toe tags, but I have not been here long enough to understand that. And when I look down to see what the woman has written, I smile. For she has finally given me a name, a weight, an identity.  

I am cocaine, twenty-four point three grams, with traces of b-type and o-pos blood smattered through me, according to a serological reagent test. The blood types match those of the Numb Man in the office and the golden soldier who had his head chewed open by the panther.

The woman turns out the light before leaving, and we left in darkness. I sing the songs the white-bearded pilot once sang. None of the other inmates, the jewels and guns in boxes, listen to me. They are too busy with their braggart gossip to heed my ballads about flying through treetops or getting the smuggler’s blues.   

I figure that this will be the end of my story, but I am wrong.

For one day a man comes into the evidence locker and flips the light switch. And as he peers into my box, I get a good look at him. It’s the one with the brown eyes and brown caterpillar mustache. His eyes are now strained, weak, their dark resolve gone watery, as if he were about to cry. As if he regretted what he was about to do but could not stop himself. 

I smile as he pulls me out of the box, because I can see now that my story is not yet done. And I know that, if he does not snort me out of existence, there is a good chance that I will taste his blood. And, if I’m lucky, the blood of another human or two, before the last of my grains are gone, snorted up some nose or smoked into some burning lungs.

It Takes a Perv

I first met Dolores when she answered my personals ad in a San Francisco weekly newspaper. My headline was, “Submissive Man, Calling All Dominatrixes!” Dolores was a middle-aged woman who specialized in spanking and fucking men with a strap-on dildo. She told me on our first phone call that she’d been a single mom, had raised three sons and two daughters to adulthood, and now that the kids had all fled the nest, she’d been using the privacy of her home as a means to earn some extra cash. She said she’d not participated socially in the San Francisco s/m scene, but she had plenty of experience giving real spankings, and the dildoing was something she’d fantasized about and wanted to try ever since she’d seen a video of a woman fucking a man in the ass.

“I really am a disciplinarian. I don’t have to play at it,” she said, closing the deal for me. We made a date for the following day. “Bring me a strap-on rig and a hundred dollars,” she added before we hung up.

“Yes ma’am,” I replied.

I went to Good Vibrations, a lesbian co-op that sold sex toys on Mission St., and bought an adjustable leather harness and a small dildo. I was at Dolores’s house out in the Sunset District at 1:00 p.m. sharp the next afternoon. Dolores was a big-boned, buxom woman wearing a red, form-fitting dress that displayed a generous amount of bulging cleavage. She held out her hand and without a word I put the C-note in it. She ushered me into her kitchen and I marveled at the size and shape of her ass as she bent over, opened the dishwasher and pulled out a big black dildo. “It’s silicon and dishwasher safe,” she said. She then took a large spanking paddle from a hook on the wall and led the way down to her basement. 

“Let’s see the harness you brought,” she said. I removed it from the plastic bag and handed it to her as she gave me her dildo and paddle to hold. Stepping into the harness, she pulled her dress up over her waist and tightened the straps. “Snug,” she said, looking pleased. I handed the big black dildo back to her and she inserted it through the metal ring in the front panel of the harness. Gripping the base of the dildo’s thick shaft, she gave it a shake that made its massive head bob up and down in intimidating fashion.

Stepping out of her dress entirely, she stood before me then, cutting an imposing figure in her black lacy bra and panties.

“Undress and hug the pole,” she ordered, referring to the weight-bearing column that had been padded with a full-length body pillow. She used a length of rope to tie my wrists round the pole in front of me, wrapping the rope around me several times before it knotting it tightly round my ankles. She then started paddling my ass in a slow, steady rhythm, each lick slightly harder than the last. Before I knew it, I was hollering, then screaming in pain. 

“I’m going to keep paddling you until you stop making a fuss,” she scolded. “This basement is soundproofed but my ears aren’t.”

It took a couple of minutes and a dozen more smacks before I was able to quiet down, and true to her word she untied me. I slid down the pole onto my knees.

“That’s right, now get on all fours for me.”

I did as instructed as she pulled the little dildo I’d brought, thinking that’s what she’d fuck me with, and put it in my mouth. I looked up to see her squeeze just a few drops of lube onto the head of her giant dildo. Moving behind me, she squatted down low enough to touch my asshole with it and slowly buried it in to the hilt. She kept me stuffed like that for a few moments before starting in with long, sure strokes that filled my gut and tickled my prostate. It wasn’t long before I exploded and she withdrew completely.

I had to grab the pole to pull myself back upright and get dressed. It was a struggle climbing back up the basement stairs. 

“You behave yourself, boy,” she said as she let me out her front door.

“I’d like to come back when I’m able,” I said.

She smiled and nodded her assent.

I never got that second session, but two days later I got something much more painful when I read an article in the Chronicle that Dolores Johnson had been found tied to a pole in her basement, beaten to death with a wooden paddle. Her daughter had been unable to contact her and when she went to investigate, she made the grisly discovery and called the police. A homicide investigation was underway and police requested anyone who’d seen the victim recently to call the homicide tip line.

I thought about going in and telling my story but I was afraid they’d pin it on me, a likely pervert. If I’d had money for a good criminal defense attorney to accompany me, I’d have gone in, but my dominatrix habit had a habit of eating up my discretionary cash, so I sat tight on my sore ass instead. When no cops had called by the end of the week, I started to relax.

My sore ass had healed up enough that I’d begun craving another dominatrix session, even more than usual, as that was my way of dealing with stress. I booked one with Tasha the Thrasher, sad that it couldn’t be with Dolores. Arriving at her home at the appointed time, she greeted me at the door and led me to a little cottage out back.

Once inside, she gave me her specialty, an over the knee spanking with a big wooden hairbrush. After I’d had enough, I pulled my pants back up over my red, smarting ass, and she led me back out through the door.

“I love the gardening you’ve done,” I said, admiring the flowers planted outside. “Do you mind if I linger a while?”

“Sure, enjoy,” she said, leaving me to it.

Surrounding the cottage were a variety of colorful flowers, daffodils and tulips mostly. Circling round behind the cottage, I noticed some fresh footprints and a daffodil crushed into the dirt outside the window. Had someone been spying on our little play session?

As I drove back across the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a red Honda Civic with dark windows that had been following behind me for a while. At first I thought I was only being paranoid, but even as I took the exit into San Francisco and made a series of random turns, I just couldn’t seem to shake it. I got the license plate number memorized and made a U-turn at the next intersection, running the light but losing my tail in the process. On my way back home, I called Tasha on my cell and left her a voicemail explaining what had just happened.

I had no way of tracing a California license plate, so I looked for nearly half an hour before I found one of the few remaining payphones in the city from which I anonymously gave the police tip line a call. I gave them the license plate number and told them to check it for a possible suspect in the recent case of the woman murdered in the Sunset District.

I needed a drink so I went to an AA meeting, specifically one for alcoholics who were also into s/m that I’d attended frequently enough to know some of the regulars there. I noticed that Lady LaRue, an organizer of the Domme Guild, was present in attendance. I approached her afterwards and unburdened myself of my secrets. She got the license plate number I’d given the cops and thanked me, reassuring me that she’d keep my info confidential. 

I didn’t book any more dominatrix sessions that week. I went back to another s/m AA meeting where I saw Mistress LaRue again. She said the license plate I’d given her had been stolen the day before I’d seen it. She’d talked with Mistress Tasha about her security, and Tasha assured her she kept a pistol handy and hadn’t seen anybody lurking around.

The next afternoon Tasha was taking a walk around Lake Merrit after her morning spanking session when she was killed by a kamikaze drone attack. This got the local, state, and federal investigators involved as well as a pack of journalists and bloggers. The San Francisco homicide detail located Tasha’s list of submissive clients on her laptop and started checking their police records, and to see if any had a background that lent itself to drone warfare. The Feds used some terrorist investigators to see what they could determine about the flight path of the drone. Neither approach yielded a good suspect.

I had an idea that the two dominatrix murders weren’t necessarily the result of a personal revenge motive but might stem from a hate-group on the increasingly active political fringe. I decided to investigate the Incels in San Francisco after I read a report on domestic terror groups that included them and showed a timeline of several violent, sometimes fatal attacks Incels had committed against women. Some online searches located men who identified as Incels in the Bay Area but no organizations. I created an Incel persona online and became active in chat rooms. I attended an Incel meeting at a dive bar on the edge of the Tenderloin District that I was told about by one of my new online “friends.” They’d picked the particular bar we met at, The Goats Head, because the only women who came in were streetwalkers taking a break from the pavement on a barstool where they might happen to find a guy who’d be their next trick.

“All women are whores, at least these bitches don’t have any pretensions about it,” one of my companions offered. 

“I won’t pay for what should be rightfully mine,” another one added.

“I wish I had all the money I’ve spent on dominatrixes,” I said, trying to sound like the alcohol had affected me more than it had.

“You pay women to mistreat you when they mistreat us for free every day?” one Incel hissed at me.

“I know, but it’s always turned me on,” I said.

“Taking a rod to those alpha bitches would be my turn-on,” he replied, glaring at me. 

“Believe me, I’ve thought about turning the tables on them,” I said, “If I just knew how to do it without getting caught up in the feminazi legal system.”

“It appears somebody has,” he said. I gave him a puzzled, I’m interested to hear more sort of look, and took a long swig of my beer.

Suddenly he tightened up and looked the other way.

“The drone murder in Oakland by the lake, she was an alpha whore,” our other companion said. “So was the bitch tied to the pole in her basement a couple weeks ago.”

Another two Incels they knew walked in and headed for our booth. One of them, a stocky blonde guy caught the tail end of that last remark of our conversation. At the moment he laid eyes on me, he abruptly turned around and left. A couple minutes later the guy who’d been talking about the two murders took a call on his cell, looked freaked out, and said he had an emergency and had to go. I stayed a while, had another beer and some less pointed discussion on the sad state of sexual affairs our kind was heir to now that patriarchy was overrun.

When I got in my car and left, it wasn’t long before I noticed the red Honda Civic following me yet again, this time with a different license plate. I strongly suspected it wasn’t because he’d taken off the stolen one and put his own plate back on his car, but I wrote it down anyway. I had a strong hunch that the recent attacks had been the work of an Incel, quite possibly this guy who’d been following me. 

I saw Mistress LaRue at the s/m AA meeting that evening and gave her the new license number and an update on my talks with the local Incels.

“We need to ID the guy tailing me,” I said.

“I’ll follow you in my car, from a distance, and if this dude starts following you again, we’ll box him in and confront him. We’ll get his photo.”

“He could be dangerous,” I said.

“That’s why we’ve got to get him,” she said. “I know just who to get to ride shotgun with me.”

After the meeting, I saw Mistress LaRue and Bam-Bam Becky Riley, one of the top women in MMA, getting into LaRue’s car. I got in my own car and drove off, letting them follow me a few cars back as I headed in the direction of my apartment.

Soon enough, the red Honda Civic popped up in my rear view mirror.

I started looking for a good opportunity to stop in front of him where he couldn’t get around me.  Eventually I turned onto a narrow lane with cars parked on both sides of the street. When I saw LaRue’s car approach behind him, I slowed down until he was closing in and then I stopped at such an angle as to form a blockade. The red Honda Civic came to a stop and LaRue pulled up fast behind him, she and Bam-Bam getting out of their car as I got out of mine.

“Why have you been following me?” I shouted, getting his attention as Bam-Bam darted in from behind, yoking his neck through the window. Meanwhile, LaRue had pepper spray pointed at his eyes that were bugging out of his head from Bam-Bam’s chokehold.

“You can’t…” he gasped as LaRue pulled the door open and Bam-Bam jerked him out of the car so hard he sprawled out across the pavement. Gasping and speechless, the dude looked like he was about to shit his pants.

I reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet and took a picture of his California drivers license and a couple more of his face and car. LaRue motioned with her head that we should leave, which we did, fast. Left the guy lying there in a puddle of piss.

The suspect was a 28-year-old named Carl Wilson who had been dishonorably discharged from the Air Force for sexual abuse of a woman under his command. After his arrest, he was booked and SFPD, Homeland Defense, and Air Force Intelligence all had questioned him thoroughly before dawn. Apparently, he’d sourced his military-grade drones on the dark web, buying them with crypto.

A day later, the police called to inform me that his phone records showed he’d called my personals ad seeking new women to whip my ass. It was then that I remembered a woman with a husky-sounding voice who’d responded. We’d set up a date for them to pay me a house call, but no one had ever shown up. It wasn’t long after that I’d got the call from Dolores.

The detectives concluded that Wilson had tried using me to bird-dog dominatrixes, hoping to frame me for his murders. Ultimately he confessed to make a deal and avoid the death penalty, giving info on other Incels as well.

Mistress LaRue gave me a free domination session the next day, as reward for helping the Domme Guild stop a predator.