The Opening

On May 25^th, 2007, Vincent DeLasario stood in the lobby of the gallery, his tuxedo devoid of even a single wrinkle, shaking the hand of every visitor to the opening of his fiancée’s latest art exhibit. The photographs that hung on the wall depicted various sexual situations but in such a way that they had been rendered almost abstract, all of them either in shadow or extreme close-ups, reducing (or expanding?) their subjects into vast landscapes of pores and naked flesh. Vincent was nervous for his fiancée. He wondered what the reviews would be like. He hoped the opening went well. 

It seemed like a pretty good crowd tonight. His fiancée, Doriᛋᛋ Dae (six months earlier, for some mysterious reason, she had insisted on placing the Nazi SS symbol at the end of her pseudonymous forename), would be proud. She couldn’t stand here beside him and greet the visitors because she was in the back room. In fact, she was part of one of the exhibits. Vincent wondered how drastically the atmosphere in the gallery would change when the true nature of the show became clear. It would be interesting to see the drama unfold.

Whether or not the evening was a disaster was irrelevant; either way, it would be Art.

***

Ms. Doriᛋᛋ Dae lay on a flat white table that somewhat resembled a gynecological chair but wasn’t. She was naked, and her feet lay in stirrups. Her body was separated from the rest of the gallery by a form-fitting partition, a thin wall that covered her entire naked body except for a single small hole between her legs. She closed her eyes and sighed for the hundredth time this evening, wondering why she’d ever thought of all this nonsense. She wondered if the National Endowment for the Arts would ask for their grant money back. Hell, she hoped so. That would just conjure up even more controversy. Doriᛋᛋ liked causing trouble.

But was it worth it? 

Would she be able to go through with it?

Jesus, Doriᛋᛋ, get a grip, she thought, get a grip. It’s just Art.

But it was more than just Art. It was a cutting-edge sociological/psychological experiment. Half the fun of Art was gauging the taboos and mores of society. Why were some behaviors acceptable and others not? Who made the rules? And why?

God, she hoped she didn’t lose her nerve halfway through.

No, no, don’t even think that way, Doriᛋᛋ. Just close your eyes and think of England. Or the Guggenheim. Whatever.

She wondered how Vince was holding up outside. 

Then she heard the door open on the other side of the partition.

The first visitor of the evening….

***

Mr. Armand Wycliffe was 81 years old. He walked into the backroom alone. He had to. The sign outside said explicitly that the artist wished for only one person at a time to view this particular exhibit. Armand’s wife was waiting outside, but she wouldn’t go in. The sign said no women were allowed inside. Mrs. Wycliffe was a little annoyed by this, but Armand patted the back of her liver spotted hand and said, “Oh, don’t fret, my dear, it’s some crazy art thing. You know….”

And so he entered the room, expecting to spend only a few seconds inside.

The room was devoid of any distinguishing features except for an odd-shaped wall on the south side of the small chamber. In this wall, at waist level, was a small hole. Above the hole, at eye level, was a sign that read:

Please observe the hole below. The artist, Doriᛋᛋ Dae, is lying naked on a table on the opposite side of this hole. Ms. Dae invites you to slip your erect penis inside the hole; i.e., Ms. Dae invites you to fuck her. Before you do so, however, please remove the condom from the dispenser to your right. When you’re done, you may place the used condom in the metal waste basket to the left of the dispenser. Thank you. Please do not take overly long, as there are no doubt other art lovers waiting behind you. Paper towels are available near the entrance.

Armand stroked his pointed silver beard. He glanced up at each corner of the room. This had to be some sort of joke. Were there cameras filming his every move? Would his actions be seen by the other visitors outside? By his wife?

Armand approached the hole. He pulled his gloves out of his pocket (it was a cold night outside) and slipped one on his right hand. Curious, he slid his index finger inside the inviting hole. He could hear the gasp of a female voice on the other side of the partition, the shifting of legs against the thin wall. Yes, it certainly felt real. But… no, it had to be a scam… somebody was putting him on….

He could feel his penis hardening inside his pants. How long would it take? Not long at all if he was fast… his wife needn’t know… it wasn’t all that disgusting… after all, the artist wanted him to do it… this was an art gallery, not a brothel… it wasn’t illegal in any way….

He pulled his finger out and was just about to unbuckle his pants when he thought, No, it has to be some sort of candid camera put-on. I’m not going to end up on a damn video installation somewhere. Sweat beads now poured down his forehead. Fuck these people, he thought. Fuck Art!

He stuffed the glove back into his pocket and escaped that little chamber. He grabbed his wife’s elbow and suggested they leave. He wasn’t feeling so good anymore….

***

Doriᛋᛋ thought, Whew. Well, maybe there was nothing to worry about. Maybe no one would have the nerve. That would be an interesting commentary all on its own. Buncha chickenshits. What was wrong with these people? 

Now she started getting disappointed. They were going to ruin the fantasy.

Well, whatever. Let the chips fall where they may.

She stiffened as she heard the door open again. She heard the soft clip of low leather boot heels approaching the partition….

***

Antonio Nila entered the small chamber. He saw some old white dude dart out of there lookin’ like he was going to throw up so he figured there might be something interesting in here. He just came by because his Art teacher at the University told the class they’d get extra credit if they dropped in, looked at some of the photographs, then wrote a 1 to 1 ½ page essay about what they saw there. He’d already checked out all the blurry photographs outside and figured he’d leave in a few minutes. There wasn’t much happening here. Besides, he couldn’t stand those little finger sandwiches and the cheese cubes. He wanted some real food. 

But this cozy little chamber piqued his curiosity, so he figured, Why not?

He approached the sign and read it. He glanced at the condom dispenser and the trash can. The trash can was shiny and made of smooth metal. It was so shiny, in fact, he could see his reflection in its surface. He remembered the guilty look on the old man’s face and laughed. What a cool art exhibit. This was more like it.

The trash can was cylindrical and rounded at the top, the kind that always reminded him of R2-D2. He bent over, pushed the tiny metal door on the trash can inward, then glanced inside. Nope, it was empty. Had the old man gotten scared, or had he simply not used a condom at all? Fuck, who was gonna stop Antonio from just saying, Screw the condom?

But then, he didn’t want to catch something. Who knew where this chick had been? He wasn’t even sure it was the artist herself, but who cared? Did she just hire some prostitute to lay back there? Yeah, that was probably it. What did it matter? His cock was getting real hard now. A pussy’s a pussy, after all. And hell, his girlfriend wasn’t here with him, and it wasn’t exactly cheating, so….

He pulled the condom package out of the dispenser, tore open the package, slipped the rubber over his erect cock, pressed his waist up against the wall, then slid his cock inside the hole. It was nice and warm inside. Oh, it was wet. He heard a woman gasp on the other side. He heard the creak of a wheeled table as she pressed her legs against the partition. Oh, you little bitch, he thought as he pressed his palms up against the wall and started thrusting fast and hard. I hope it is the artist… fuckin’ whore better put out after gettin’ all that government money… fuck, yeah… ‘bout time these high-and-mighty bitches started giving back… stopped acting like they own the whole fuckin’ roost… I can’t get any of my landscape photographs accepted by major galleries ‘cause I’m Latino, ‘cause I’m a man… the Art Establishment has it out for me and my kind… but now I’m gettin’ some wet hapa pussy so everything’s okay… just for a little while…. “Oh, yeah, that’s it,” he whispered into the wall, “oh, you fucking whore, I love it, you’re so tight, you love it, don’t you, you love it, you fuckin’ little bitch, you love Antonio’s hard cock, don’t you, yes, oh, yes you do, yeah, yeah, uhhhhhhh….”

Ten more quick thrusts… he ejaculated, moaning with his face pressed up against the stucco wall as he did so, and then he was done. He closed his eyes, breathed deeply, caressed the wall for a few seconds, withdrew, pulled off the condom, tossed it in the trash can, zipped up, then turned and left the room. 

He decided to stay in the gallery for a while and have some more cheese cubes. Maybe if he waited about twenty minutes, he could have another go at it.

***

Doriᛋᛋ tried to catch her breath. It was strange… as good as her fantasy, but a hell of a lot weirder. So odd not to know who was fucking you. She’d invited a lot of her friends and family and former art professors to the gallery, after all. What if that first guy had been one of them? When she came up with the idea, that was the first rule she laid down for herself. Nobody was excluded from the running. Anybody with a cock was eligible. That was part of the anonymous fun of it all. How would her 65-year-old happily married photography professor react? Would he do it? If so, would it be for himself… or for Art’s sake? How would her psychiatrist react? The Art critic for the L.A. Times? Her stepbrother? Her physician? Her ex-boyfriend? Her assistant? What about all the people she hated? The slimeballs who’d been trying to get into her pants for years? The people she found repulsive and disgusting? Some of them were there, weren’t they? What happened when people like that entered the room? What happened, indeed?

It would be interesting to find out. It wouldn’t be a waste. Her reactions would all go into the book. D.A.P. already said they’d publish it. Robert Hughes promised her he’d give her a good quote. He said he might even show up. If so, she thought, it better be a hell of a quote.

Vince popped his head in through the curtain to her right. “You okay?” he whispered.

Her face was still a little flushed from the last encounter. “I think so,” she said.

He entered the room, stood beside her, squeezed her hand. “Any takers?”

“Just one.”

“Already? It might be a long evening then.”

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m just out there shaking everybody’s hand,” Vince said. “You’ve got the hard part.”

“Well, I don’t know about that. What I mean is… we talked about what this might be like, but it’s kind of different when it’s actually happening. Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?”

“After doing all this? Of course not, honey. It was your idea. And it’s a good one. Let’s see it through till the end. You should always finish what you start.”

Doriᛋᛋ smiled. “You’re too good to me. I don’t deserve you. I love you, Vince.”

“I love you too.” He caressed the back of her smooth hand.

Doriᛋᛋ drew in some air. Her eyes bulged slightly. She hadn’t been expecting it. God, this was a big one. Jesus Christ….

She gripped Vince’s hand. “Oh, fuck,” she groaned. “Oh, Christ….”

Vince continued to hold her hand throughout. 

Tight, tighter, tighter….

“Let me see your cock,” she whispered.

She didn’t have to ask twice. Vince unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants to the floor, revealing the fully formed erection that had been straining to be released since her moans began.  Doriᛋᛋ let go of his hand and gripped his cock just as tightly. She stroked it fast as the stranger on the other side of the wall pounded and pounded and pounded with what must have been a nine-inch-cock. With each violent thrust, Doriᛋᛋ continued massaging that tender spot just below the head of Vince’s penis where his foreskin was now stretched taught with eagerness. 

“Oh, Doriᛋᛋ,” he whispered, “I love you,” his semen spurting all over the spotless tiled floor. Love comes in spurts, Doriᛋᛋ thought, suddenly remembering the lyrics from an old Richard Hell song. 

“Ohhhhhh, uhhh, I love you too,” the artist whispered as her spine tingled with the heady rush of an oncoming orgasm, as she felt the sudden telltale jerking spasms of the anonymous cock deep inside her, hot semen pooling into a cold latex tip. 

The anonymous art lover withdrew, just like the previous one, and wandered away, leaving room for the next. 

Vince kneeled beside Doriᛋᛋ, held her hand, and said, “Oh God, I love you. I love your talent, I love your mind, you’re the only woman for me. Forever and ever.” 

“Forever and ever,” she said, never feeling more in love with him than now. They locked eyes, seeing each other again for the first time. Then he rose. He stuffed his slick, softening cock inside his underwear, zipped up again. 

“I better wash my hands before I go out there and continue the meet and greet,” he said.

“Meanwhile, I’ll do my own meet and greet back here,” she said. “Get back to work.”

“Back to work,” he whispered, smiling sweetly. He squeezed her hand one more time, gazing at her with pure love, then left the room.

A second after he passed through the mauve curtain, she felt another cock inside her.

***

After about two hours, around nine o’clock, Vincent took to the stage. He approached the microphone. A curious, indefinable, excited atmosphere had descended upon the gallery. The men seemed happy and smiling, flushed with joy, laughing and joking and getting more and more drunk off the red and white wine provided by the gallery. All the women, somehow, seemed confused and agitated, as if they suspected something might be wrong here, somewhere, but they didn’t know what….

Vincent cleared his throat into his clenched fist, tapped his fingernail against the microphone, then said, “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention. My name is Vincent DeLasario, and I’d like you all to bring your hands together and give a proper welcome to the artist of the evening who brought you this splendid exhibit, my lovely fiancée, Ms. Doriᛋᛋ Dae.”

The applause that erupted from the crowd was enthusiastic, to say the least. Again, the men seemed far more excited than the women for some reason.

Doriᛋᛋ emerged from behind the mauve curtain wearing an elegant one-piece black gown that accentuated her slim figure, petite breasts, smooth skin, long swan-like neck; her flowing black hair appeared lustrous beneath the overhead lights; a split up the leg revealed just enough flesh to be enticing. She looked so beautiful, so infused with raw sexuality, that not even the obvious bulge in her stomach could detract from her natural loveliness. In fact, many of the women in the audience might have said that the child growing in her womb made her a thousand times more attractive.

The men in the audience slowly ceased their applause as the women grew more and more confused by the looks of consternation and guilt on the faces of their husbands, brothers, and boyfriends. Doriᛋᛋ proceeded to give a speech about her project, so long in the making, the intention of the photographs and how they all tied into the overall theme of the main exhibit, about the book being written that would chronicle the entire experience; how it was a one-of-a-kind experiment, as you really couldn’t expect to get away with it more than once. “After all,” she said, smiling, “the advantage of surprise would be gone from here on out.”

She laid out in stages how the idea had occurred to her while idly masturbating in the bathtub early one morning. As she spoke about the exact nature of the main exhibit, in great and exacting detail, a low groan of anger and sadness and despair swept over the gathered hordes. The men seemed to grow more and more nervous while the women grew angrier and sadder. Some broke into tears. The photographer from the L.A. Times was the one who caught the award-winning shot that night as an old woman threw a chair at the artist, missing her head by only a few feet, calling her a whore and claiming she’d destroyed a perfect marriage. 

Doriᛋᛋ smiled and said, “But what did I do?”

***

How many relationships were “destroyed” that evening is not known, but Ms. Dae’s (now Mrs. DeLasario’s) unique exhibit/experiment continues to be controversial amongst psychological, sociological, feminist, and Conceptual Art circles. 

Robert Hughes did indeed give the entire affair a rave review in Art News; however, as late as 2012 (the year of his death at the age of 74), he insisted he had not chosen to participate in the main exhibit. 

Few believed him.