When it all started (me and you), you brought me bags of bagels, and the poppyseeds would fall off of them in the toaster, on the counter, on the plate
The bagels weren’t very well-made and yet I ate them, joyfully enough at first thinking of you, and then, ruefully at last, thinking again
Finally it came out: I was just poor, I was just hungry I never really liked those stale bagels I fell in love for something to do
And you put your faith in new love (never smart!) and if my naive faith in undiscerning saviors, if it was cute for a minute, now, my toaster is on fire
And I’m all alone in this (wooden) house forgetting how you smother an electric blaze, I always knew it would end like this, they’ll all blame me, saying:
I always knew he’d drink again, and Oh, I know, so sad
If you pull off your clothes you’re fun to me I have enough friends y’know? I don’t need a deep conversation while high close to dawn time
I want to be put out over your body like a candle that actually prefers melting without the flame burning
it’s a kindness coming down while going down on you
we can mix drugs and good fun even if we suffer from existential despair
all we have to do is talk less and connect more
when I wake up be decent enough to have already be gone
we both know morning faces deserve to confront the mirror on their own
at night I’ll switch off the lights of the housewhile you’re sound asleep and go through the rooms with a flashlight searching for the ghost of me from when I used to be not unhappy don’t you know sometimes it’s the man that scares off the ghost and not the other way around
‘You’re fucking nuts! You know that?’ Fucking crazy!” she screamed at me: it was 07:30 and I had to make it into work within the hour: ‘I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but whatever the fuck it is, forgive me’ I said: ‘You should feel ashamed of yourself’. she said: ‘I do’ I replied: ‘You can’t even remember what you did and said last night, can you?’ she shrieked at me: it was true: ‘No’ I said: ‘Well, you’re soon find out’ she said ‘and if you’re looking for your shoes you’ll find them in the freezer where you put them last night!’ she turned and made for the bathroom as I stumbled towards the kitchen.
I’ve memorized every nail hole in these Four rooms. I’ve eaten my various mélanges of pasta, Rice, beans, tuna, salad, And chicken A thousand times. I’ve asked for your help But have not received it. I don’t believe in magic, in God. I like Jesus. He said a lot of good things. He died for jerks like us. I like Buddha. He’s pretty good. But I can’t reconcile the fact That he abandoned his wife and kids. Kiss me once, as I die In chains. Hold my hand As it trembles uncontrollably With the palsy of The past. The bugs skitter along the walls, Along my skin. I am a prisoner of this flesh, This omnipresent erection, This pulsation, exsanguinations of The soul. The machinations of bone, of blood, Of joints. The living are crushed Between my teeth. I expand, I recoil. I sit and stare as music blares. I puke up nightly regrets And sorrows. From the bed To the toilet To the car To the toilet To the bed. If there is a God, He sits on his throne And don’t give a fuck.
Raise your hand if you were miscarried. Aborted? The baby in the backseat wails, “It’s a scam, it’s all a scam!” You’re right, kid. Pop music, like apple sauce, is insufferable and you can’t stick a candle in your asshole and call it a birthday cake. One day, though, you’ll receive the gift of excess. I fuck with deaths small and large, whimper my orgasm about town, had both glitter and blood in my stool. Neither the hangovers or venereal diseases are as bad as they say. Broke jaw, broke ego, just plain broke, it’s the piss test or relinquish duty, cocaine brain! Anyways, never trust moderation or the moderator– you could live to 105 and never cum but if you show at your funeral, they’ll thank you for lifting the mood.
You wanted to play Chess but nah bitch, we gonna play Twister. That’s what I do— I’m a game changer. Since you had me all twisted up in your twisted mind ~ You tried to bore me to death. I had to switch up the board. I had to bring the color and bend over for something that could keep me awake for once. You can’t be lazy if you wanna play with me. Tick-tock, tick-tock, checkmate, blah, blah, blah… Boredom is a pathetic way to die!!! So, I can’t hang around you, honey. Well, spin the dial, it’s your turn. Wait, wait, wait… Can you play Twister without a backbone??? Nope. You gotta go back to your board— back to your black and white world.
I am Mary, mother of the true god of cosmic adventure and queen of the libertines. I give myself to all comers regardless of race, creed and size of penis. I am available to women as well as men, to plants as well as animals. I fuck for nothing but freely accept all tokens of appreciation, negotiable or not. I have no inhibitions, there is no form of sex to which I am not partial. I will even talk to you over a cup of tea.
I am Mary, patron goddess of all prostitutes, the only true saints humankind has ever known. They give what others are unwilling to part with, subject themselves to cruelties others will not endure and abide the scorn of their less liberated sisters. Were all women as free as I, as unattached to their mythical egos, as unburdened by likes and dislikes, as unadorned with vanity and conditioned notions of the body’s needs, then harlotry would cease to exist, never again would desire be exploited.
I am Mary, loving sister of all men, provider of all their needs, destroyer of all their wants. Having seen with my inner mind to the very core of all their frustrations, I have also witnessed the seeds of their aggressiveness, the twisted roots of their hardened ambitions. Sigmund Freud has taught me nothing, I have learned all by opening my cunt, exposing my bosom and allowing the whole world to massage my heart. Were all women like me, no man would need play his ego-inflating games of seduction nor sublimate his desires by seeking to conquer the material world. I deflate egos by hardening cocks. I take the wind out of all masculine sails and recycle its potency as a tantric generator. By making lust sacred, I make men divine: true gods never need prove themselves, they live secure in total self-knowledge.
I am Mary, anarchist princess of spiritual revolution, scarlet perpetrator of crimes against ignorance, debauched ascetic in a cruel world of self-righteous gluttons. I am the unprincipled advocate of sexual Tao, I conquer hate by offering pleasure and quell violence by permitting pain. I am an empty well of immortal flesh within whose depths only love can abide. I am the golden maiden of carnal alchemy, transforming all vice into highest virtue. Because I am God I live without fear. The devil is not my enemy but my self-created lover, I embrace his darkness with arms of pure light, giving human sensations their reward for being. Live as I do and you shall never die.
I am Mary, calling all my sisters out of their houses, all my brothers out of their armies, all my workers out of their factories, all my admirers down from their temples, all my lovers out of their shadows, all my revilers up from their miseries, all my ancestors out of their heresies, all my descendants out of their destinies, all my dreamers out of their fantasies.
