Alyssa Davis

Sacred

I’m here. At the Damian River. Today is the day. I’ve been praying for this day for years. Father Johannes is so kind and generous. He has taught me to be a lady in trying times. I, Marta, know now how to please a man and keep a husband thanks to Father. I am grateful that Father Johannes will do my baptism today. 

“Do not fear, Marta. The Father will take care of you.” My veil trails behind me, not touching the ground, thanks to the hands of my sisters in faith. 

“Whatever could I fear, when Father Johaness is there?” I smile.

“You’re right of course, Marta. It is only what is sacred.” My other sister pipes up with a serene smile. 

The Father speaks up then. “Leave us, sisters. You know how this must go. This moment is between me, Marta, and God.” The sisters bow out, laying my veil on the ground. I walk to the Father and kneel before him. He smiles genially down at me, taking out his Bible. “So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls.” As he continued his prayer, I laid my head on the ground in reverence. 

“Come, it is time.” I look up and take his hand to gather myself to my feet. He leads me into the water and covers my face with my veil. “Lord, I take this virgin and dip her into the River Damian. I bathe her in the sacred seed of Fathers and rebirth her anew.” My eyes widen beneath the veil. What part of the Bible was he reading from?! I begin to struggle but his grip remains firm and he doesn’t give reprieve. The Father tightens my veil firmly around my eyes to blind me completely and then I am being dipped into the river. The river which is now thick and warm. Salty and sweet. It tastes of nothing I have ever tasted in my twenty years.

The Father holds me in the warm river while I struggle and I think to myself, wow. I am going to die here. I have learned so much from the Father. How to cook. How to clean. How to worship at the altar. How to be a proper wife for a man one day. And it was all for naught. For the Father is now drowning me. In a demonic river. I pray to the Lord, my proper Father that I am welcomed into his kingdom, even without a baptism. I stop my struggles and let myself sink to the bottom of the warm river.

I drown.

My death is long. So long. I drown for what seems to be endless hours. The pain in my lungs is painful and pleasurable. I taste the river, warm, salty and sweet. I see the Father’s face in my visage. And as I imagine him, Johannes becomes clearer and clearer. He appears to me. Like he never has before. Nude. And he is beautiful.

I’ve always known. I’ve always known that to make a man happy, I’d have to see him nude. I’ve seen church boys and imagined. Imagined how they’d look. What they might taste like, their lips against mine. But none of these imaginary ideals of mine compare. Johannes is a visionary. A man of the Lord. Sculpted by God he is. Tan skin, long hair braided down his back, lips so kissable, and hands rough from working with the boys he educates. I want him. I feel sin.

I feel like… a sinner. I’m having feelings in a region that never gets feelings. My nips are hard and tingly. My vagina is wet and sticky. I-… I might as well. The devil may be watching but I am already dead. What’s one more sin going to do? I’m sorry Father above. That I had a failed baptism. That I let temptation get to me even in death. I confess my sins to you. 

But I need this. I need my Father. I need Father Johannes. Right now. In the River Damian. Where virgins go to be reborn. I need him inside me. Father, please? 

As if the Father can hear me, he swims towards me. His naked body next to mine. He grabs me. He’s so gentle. Kisses along my neck, the inside of my wrists. The sides of my breasts. He says to me, “You are baptized in the sacred seed of your Father, in the River Damian. Praise the Lord and let this seed enter you. Be reborn as a sinner.”

And as he enters me, I know. I know I can never go back. I will never be reformed. I am a whore for the Father. Like my sisters in faith. I pray now to Father Johannes at the River Damian only. Father. Feed me your sacred seed! Let me be reborn! I feel alive again! 

My eyes snap open and I gasp. I sit up, grabbing my chest. I swim to the top of the river, shedding clothing along the way. The river is semen. Gallons upon gallons fill this beautiful river to the top. And as I edge the top, I swallow. I step out of the river, completely nude, save for my veil. I throw the veil to the Father and grin over at him. 

“I pray to you Father, that we baptize me again. Sacred acts such as these must be repeated after all.”