Samantha Bryant

Hello Flesh

Welcome to Hello Flesh! Whatever your appetite, we feed the hungry. Delivery right to your doorstep or threshold. Through our new partnership with the penal system, we are now pleased to offer Ethical Eatz™ delivered live to your location, free range or bound. Ask a representative for details. 

New customers, press 1. 

Returning customers, press 2. 

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Welcome back. To help us direct your call, please choose one of the following options. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. 

For Crimson Cuisine, our line of hematological products, press 1

For Necrophage Nibbles, press 2

For Offal Offerings, press 3

To learn more about Ethical Eatz™, press 4

For all other inquiries, press 5

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Please hold while we connect you with a customer service representative. Rest assured your call will not be recorded to protect the privacy of our clients. Thank you for putting your trust in Hello Flesh! 

(muzak)

Hello Flesh! This is Amy, how can I help you?

Hi Amy. There’s been a mistake in my order.

I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. One moment, please, while I look up your account. (clicking sounds) I see you selected the Thai option this week. 

That’s correct, but clearly I’ve been sent Korean. 

I don’t understand, ma’am. I’m sorry you’re not satisfied. Our records show that you were sent the Thai option? 

I’m telling you that even though the label says “Thai” that this is Korean. There’s quite a difference in flavor you know. 

(garbled background sounds) Can you hold please? (muzak plays)

(long slow breaths becoming faster, groaning evident in the background) (calling back to someone else in the room) Calm down. I’m on hold with them now. No! We can’t just go out for Thai. That’s why we had to move to this neighborhood. 

(click) Hello Flesh! This is Kevin. I understand there’s a problem with your order?

Yes, Kevin. I ordered Thai and was sent Korean. I want a refund and a corrected delivery.

(clicking sounds) Our records show that you were sent the Thai option. 

Drop the script, Kevin. Amy already read it to me. (growling in the background intensifies)

I’m sorry that you’re dissatisfied. 

I don’t need your sympathy. Just a refund and the Thai brain I ordered. My husband is sensitive to the preservatives used in pickling. He can’t eat Korean.

What?

Listen, Kevin. (deep sigh) We were vegans before we were bitten. 

It’s bad enough that we are forced to consume flesh to survive now. We care about the quality of food going into our bodies. 

Do you send tainted blood to your vampire customers? 

If you can’t provide fresh brains from healthy donors, we’ll have to take this up with the Better Business Bureau. 

There’s no need for that, ma’am. I can send out a new order this afternoon at no additional charge. 

(muffled sounds, receiver microphone partially blocked) Actual Thai this time?

That’s not my department, ma’am. All I can do is place the order. Fulfillment will take it from there.

And my refund?

Thank you for choosing Hello Flesh! (click)