Brandon Diehl

Pegging Queens

They were on the news again —
the objects in the sky.
There was footage of 2 hovering
above a cornfield in New Jersey,
then a reporter was interviewing
2 guys on the street.

One of the guys said, “I did see them, 
yeah! They disappeared. They looked 
like drones. I looked up in the air 
and I saw them and I said to Joe
over here” — he looked at the other guy — 
“‘There ain’t no way those are planes.’”

The other guy (Joe) said,
“I think it’s aliens, to be honest with you.”

I said, “Hmm,” and unlocked 
my phone. I was just remembering
that my friend Dave had sent me
something earlier that morning: 
an invitation to a Facebook group 
called, “NEW JERSEY MYSTERY 
DRONES – LET’S SOLVE IT!” 

I accepted it now, then started going 
through the posts. There was one 
by a guy with a long Santa Claus beard 
that read, “THE DRONES ARE SPRAYING 
CHEMICALS NOW! IMPORTANT! VIDEO 
IN COMMENTS.” I watched the video,
which showed an airborne plane leaving
some normal-looking contrails behind it. 

There was another post by the same guy
that said, “This is obviously Russia
trying to steal our technology,”
and included a photo of a drone
suspended above an empty field
with no technology in sight
besides the drone itself.

I said, “Hmm,” and went through more posts.

A person with a beagle as a profile picture
said, “The Pentagon just shot down 
an Iranian mothership. Link in comments.”
I looked at the link in the comments.
The name of the article was “PENTAGON
SHOOTS DOWN IRAN MOTHERSHIP CLAIMS.”

I watched a few more videos of the objects. 
Some looked like planes. Some looked like drones.
Some looked disc-shaped or cigar-shaped.

Then I noticed this post from a ufologist
that had been shared to the group several times.
It read, “At the risk of creating a panic,
I want to be transparent with you all:
these are not drones. These crafts 
are being piloted by inter-dimensional beings 
from interstellar civilizations. They are peaceful.”

I said, “Hmm,” and clicked to see the comments
on the original post.  Someone asked,
“Peaceful? Have you never heard of anal probes?”

The ufologist didn’t respond.

Someone else asked,
“What do the aliens look like?”

The ufologist didn’t respond to this either,
but a person with the moon
as their profile picture did:
“Pale skin. Humanoid. Usually female.”

I said, “Hmm,” and went out into the yard.
I dug a half-broken lawn chair out
from a pile of trash behind the garage
and sat on it. The sky was cloudy, 
but it could have been cloudier.

I was optimistic. I wanted magic. I wanted 
to be the least xenophobic human. I wanted 
pale-skinned goth babes and anal stimulation.

I tilted my head back and waited.