Meat the Messiah: s01e03 – A Breath of Fresh Air

on the warner bros backlots, bukowski gives slurred and blurry directions. left here, right there, wait back up, never mind keep going. they linger to hoot and gawk at a group of chorus girls, then back to the task at hand. 

hulk hogan takes out his hog to examine his wounds. the necrosis is spreading rapidly. he has a half-dead dick, and it smells like old meat.

bukowski: there it is.

there’s a large machine that says ‘wind machine’ in an unassuming font. they stop the car and get out. there is a slight breeze. 

hulk hogan, elvis, ronald mcdonald, and bukowski get out their respective guns and shoot down the wind machine with all their power.

a man, who is really me, the devil, in disguise, runs up and yells at them to stop. 

man: what are you doing?!

hulk: we’re ending the wind, brother!

man: why?!

elvis (to the boys): why were we doing this again, man?

ronald mcdonald: so we can shoot stuff.

hulk: but we shot stuff anyway, brother.

bukowski: this seems kind of dumb.

they lower their guns. there isn’t a breeze anymore. it feels warmer.

man (who is really me, the devil, in disguise): it’s going to take me weeks to get more parts for this here wind machine! i hope you boys are happy with yourselves.

the 4 assailants look down in shame.

***commercial break***

a noid sits in a darkened warehouse that is empty, save for a twin mattress, a folding chair and a table. on the table are a glass, a bottle, an ashtray, a pack of marlboros, and some photos of a pizza. in the back of the warehouse is a large plastic curtain on a runner, beyond which, who knows. the noid looks at the photos and takes a long drag off his cigarette. he knows what he has to do. he gets in his car and drives off. he swerves as he drives. he’s still a little drunk, but he has to do the job. he parks his car directly in the path of the delivery driver. the driver stops, and that’s when the noid jumps out of the bushes with a gun and shoots the driver between the eyes. he drags the pizza crying to his car. the pizza is bound, gagged, and drugged, and thrown in the trunk. the pizza struggles against it all but there’s no point. it soon succumbs to the drug and passes out. the pizza wakes up strapped to a chair. the noid says, go ahead and scream. i like it when they scream.

***

hulk hogan, the perfect american, stands on hollywood boulevard, watching the parade of war dead; dozens of caskets, draped in american flags, carried by soldiers, making their way past the filth and flourish of tinseltown.

hulk is moved by the sight and a single tear forms. a 12 year old kid sees this. it’s chunk from the goonies.

chunk: fag.

hulk: fuck you kid.

a flurry of shutters clacking and flash bulbs bursting capture hulk extending his middle finger at a kid.

hulk, elvis, ronald mcdonald and bukowski go their separate ways.

there should be rain to atmospherically punctuate the scene, but there’s still no wind.

credits roll.

***

Marty Shambles

Marty Shambles

Marty Shambles

Marty Shambles

Marty Shambles

Marty Shambles

Twatzapooner’s Revenge: A Fucked-Up Fairy Tale

“Forgive me, Trollkins love, I feel ever so sleepy.”

Princess Cherrypop, 19, stretched, yawned and placed a dainty hand over her luscious, nubile lips. 

Her Troll attendant, whose name was Hermione Plunger, started. 

“No no no no, young miss, that will not do,” she said.

“And why ever not?”

“Because you must be vigilant. We must ever. Be. Vigilant. We must take the potions and the remedies, maintain our lookout at all times. She is awake now, and dark upon the land. She. Nair. Cuntingham.”

“To be honest,” said Cherrypop, depositing a kiss upon her beloved handmaiden that was ever-so-innocent even as she inserted a sly, experimental bit of tongue, “I am dead tired of the constant wakefulness, and I see nothing wrong with bedding down…I mean, we could, you know, separately…or…together. In an innocent, experimental way, of course.”

Hermione gently fingered the Princess, who sighed and oozed moisture from the Pussy of the Realm.

“Thank the goddess Twatzapooner for investing the hereditary pussy power in these mine nether lips,” sighed Cherrypop as Herrmione’s firm, nimble fingers played with her. “That feels so good, and better than good. Indeed, I feel a royal explosion coming on.”

“No, no, no, you mustn’t,” said Hermione. “For is it not foretold that the release of such power would cause great destruction and devastation throughout the Land of Euphoria, and your father, Herbert Longwood the XI, will lose of his wood, and the Queen Griselda will lapse and become a slushycorpse once more, and then…deadfucking will be the rule rather than the exception, as the peasantry always follow our example, be it good or bad.”

“I’ve never felt that was quite healthy,” sighed Cherrypop. “But then again, I am young in years and, aside from reams of experimentation, innocent of man.”

“It is what it is,” conceded Hermione. “At least it keeps him from plunging the royal fleshscepter willy-nilly amongst the entombed like Count Edward of Geine.”

The Princess shuddered.

“Could you help me out of mine royal costume?” asked Cherrpop? She was beginning to feel that odd itch and wished to engage in such activity as corresponded to it, which generally resulted in her suspension from the ceiling with a gag harness over her head. 

“Nay, Princess, I dare not and will not. You must attempt to dial back the sensations. Think of that awful toad, Crust Pellotone, who made his advances upon the royal pussy but recently. Think of what occurred to his body after Twatzapooner’s wrath.”

Cherrypop shuddered again with a mixture of delicious dread and outright horniness. “Oh my goodness yes. He was stripped of his clothes, stuffed into a leather sling, pinioned and punctured in every major artery. We watched that sling leak for days while he bled out, but due to the magic of the court sorcerer, Fuzzlewick, he never truly died. He’s still around somewhere,” she said. She frowned. “I’m glad he suffered. I know my father the king always admonished me to think kindly of all creatures, even the horrid, but Pellotone truly was the worst of the worst. His open and obvious slaverings! And him a peasant!”

“And him an ill-bred yob,” said Hermione. Without thinking, Cherrypop’s servant had gone knuckle-deep. Suddenly realizing what she had done, Hermione retrieved her fingers, then caressed the Princess’s cheek. Cherrypop sucked her slick fingers and licked her lips.

“I love to taste myself,” she said. “Could we play that lovely game now, the one with numbers?”

“We cannot,” said Hermione.

The Princess pouted. “You go from hot to ice cold. Which is it to be?”

***

High above Euphoria, nestled in a pink cloud, the goddess Twatzapooner was vexed. Her hereditary nexus with the royal pussy made her feel every sensation Princess Cherrypop did. And this ridiculous Hermione person was not only deliberately lying to the bearer of the Pussy of Power, she was blocking Cherrypop’s release, which caused her great frustration.

She heard the familiar whinnying of the Baroness Cuntingham, Queen of Nair, in the far distance. Nair craved the pussy power for herself, and took every opportunity to try and ambush the Princess in an attempt to carve the pussy from between her legs and extract its puissance.

“Can you believe Mistress Hermione’s boldness?” said Cuntingham partially to herself, but knowing Twatzapooner could read her thoughts.

“Yes, I can,” said Twatzapooner. “You know what, we both deserve relief. Let’s first edge the Princess, then allow her release, whereupon I will grant you what you have long desired.”

“Oh goddess, that would be…so very fucking great. Seriously though. I would do anything for you.”

“Are you mental?” asked Twatzapooner, infuriated. “I was just this close to granting your wish of obtaining the Quim Chalice, and then you pull this toadying shit.”

Twatzapooner grew angry, and angrier still, at the general impertinence. 

The heavens began to boil and teem. A horrible stench filled every nostril in the kingdom, the smell of rotten meat lying in the sun for days stirred together with the guts of a fishmire and the piss of a Nocturnicorn. 

Then the meat rain began.

Chunks of bloody flesh descended. They splattered rooftops and patios and yards and hedges and trees and the Dark and Light forests. Bits and pieces of blood slime smeared across cheeks and splashed down faces, making no distinction between royal and commoner.

“Oh no, the goddess is PIIIIISSED,” cried Hermione. “We need to give her discharge now.”

So saying, she tied the Princess to an x-cross, muffled the royal lips with a bit gag and proceeded to lash her until she bled. The Princess screamed through the gag, tears welling. She felt a convulsive sensation begin in her toes, then spreading up her body in violent waves. 

Till it reached the pussy of power.

And detonated.

On her pink cloud, the goddess Twatzapooner experienced the Law of Unintended Consequences. Linked as her pussy was with that of the Princess, her discharge was even greater.

The meat rain increased, gathering clouds and turbulence until it became a meat storm. 

The stinking flesh gobbets began to whirl in the sky, causing sucking columns to form. Houses were wrenched from their foundations, trailing bricks and sod. Horses were smashed against rocks as they screamed and screamed again. Many peasants were battered with clubs of meatcurrent until they expired. 

Looking at the scene through her Mirrorcast, Hermione’s eyes widened.

“Royal shitmix,” she said. “The goddess is displeased!” She rapidly undid the Princess from her bonds. “You need to use the royal pussy power now!”

“What?” said the princess, a tad dizzy from the bondage and blood coursing towards and away from the pussy of power. “Come again?”

“Yes, Mistress, cum again. You must cum again, and restore the balance.”

“Very well then, Hermione. Eat me in that special way, and I will partake as well of the sweet game of numbers curled inside themselves.”

After a furious bout of Ye SixtyNine, both the Princess and Hermione exploded with hot, frothing orgasms. A column of Pussy Power ™ ascended through the heavens, spearing Twatzapooner’s ethereal body. 

The heavens sucked up the meat rain the way one might use the heel from a loaf of bread to mop up extra shpegoootiin sauce. The storm collapsed in upon itself, rested, relaxed and smoked a cigarette.

In their respective places, the goddess Twatzapooner, the Princess Cherrypop and her servant Hermione dozed off to sleep, quite sated.

The only one who remained unsatisfied by this arrangement was the Baroness Cuntingham, Queen of Nair.

“Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me, Twatazapooner. Seriously?”

And with that, she stalked off to her Eggsucking Hut.

Meditation Monsters

The ten people, five men and five women were meditating as usual at their Wednesday night session.  They were all nude because they followed the rules of their prophet Lee James.  According to James, a lack of clothing ensured their innocence as they spent an hour in a seventy degree Fahrenheit room with candle lighting.  The men and women were required to be in separate rows approximately five feet apart facing each other.  They believed their position and all of the other conditions of their meditation – silence, no devices, no food or drink – would improve their physical and mental condition.

Five minutes into the session two naked creatures interrupted them.  One was obviously male, and one female but they weren’t exactly human.  They were larger than typical humans and had hair in unusual places.  Their bodies resembled those seen on old space opera books.

After a stunned silence lasting more than three minutes Joy spoke up “What the hell.  Who are you and how did you get in?”

The male responded “Before I answer those questions, let us introduce ourselves.  I go by Night Monster, and she as Night Angel.  We are night demons, but good ones.  Our mission is to spread sexual pleasure or healing.  We came in earlier today, but you couldn’t see us because we are only visible at night.  We can better your lives by offering you extreme pleasure.”

Dan said “What a load of crap.  Are you escapees from a freak show?”

Night Angel answered “A freak show escapee who knows what you have fantasized doing with Janice?” 

Dan face flushed and he opened his mouth to speak, but slowly reconsidered.  Janice also blushed.

Monster said “Listen, all of you can go into denial about your desires, or what we are, or we can help all of you.  What do you say?”

Jake said “Whatever those two have on their minds, how about we let them talk.”

There was some mumbling, but no objections, so agreement was assumed.

Angel took the lead “As we said we have been here for a while, and examined your thinking.  This is a singles organization, and despite the asexual meditations, we know that most of you are here for romance as well as enlightenment.  You all studiously ignored Bill’s erection during the meditation and Carol’s admiration thereof.  Your meditations are valuable, but we have suggestions for augmenting the experience either before or after with earthly delights.  If there is one or more disinterested, you could wait in another room while we work with the rest of the group.”

Joy and Jay left.

“I don’t want to belittle anyone here, but none of you are in satisfactory relationships now, and everyone in the meditation group is a friend to everyone else here. You are all in good health and flexible.  Monster and I suggest the following couples:  Janice and Amir, Carol and Sam, Suzette and Bill, Helen and Dan.”

There was some surprise from the group because the combination mixed both size and race.  Pale Janice and dark Amir, big Suzette and little Bill, but no one objected and some were very pleased.

“We think that we have good matches based on your conscious and unconscious thoughts.  So if there are no objections, we suggest that couples get on your meditation mats and begin to explore.  If anyone needs help Monster and I are excellent fluffers.  No one here needs to go home without an orgasm or several.”

The couples went to their mats as instructed.  Most of them began erotic massages on their partners.  Janice used mouth while Amir let his fingers do the walking.  The couples, with one exception, were thoroughly aroused.  They did some bargaining, including do it my way first, then I’ll do it your way next.  Suzette blushed and pointed at her rear portal.  Bill smiled and started drilling.  After they all agreed on how to proceed they went into various versions of cowgirl, missionary, and things only available to Kama Sutra students.  An interesting mixture of groans, yelps, chirps, and purrs followed.

Carol and Sam were the exception.  Their mutual inspection didn’t lead to arousal.  Carol cried for help.  Monster positioned Carol for sixty-nine, and Angel used her foot long tongue on Sam’s penis.  Within a couple of minutes Carol and Sam were thoroughly fluffed and eagerly started on each other.

An hour later several thoroughly satisfied couples were ready to leave.  They bid farewell and gave thanks to Monster and Angel for giving them an addition to their meditation.  On their way out they stopped in to tell Joy and Jay goodbye.  To their surprise Joy and Jay were vigorously pursuing missionary sex.  Joy told the group “We weren’t against the sex; we just wanted to have a little privacy.  We didn’t tell the group that we have been a couple for weeks.  Nothing new here for us.”

Amir, Jay, and Janice told some of their friends and those friends told their friends.  Soon, Sexual Healing named after an appropriate Marvin Gaye song moved to a large room at the Portland State University campus, and hence to the more liberal colleges.  

Lee James contacted the original Portland Oregon group to propose a modification of his book on meditation to include Sexual Healing.  A year later James and the group had a best seller “Healing Though Sex And Meditation”.

As this is being written, peace groups are suggesting Sexual Healing between different racial, ethnic, national, and religious groups as a way out of conflict.  Various sexual orientations are copying the original straight groups.  The future is bright.