Meat the Messiah: s01e05 – Nevermind the Bullocks
the procession of war dead pulls into the closest emergency room so hulk hogan can get his dick checked.
receptionist: we have a 5 hour wait.
hulk: but i’m famous.
receptionist: oh. well why didn’t you say so? the famous line is about 5 minutes. james woods is in there right now. his vaginachest has a yeast infection.
hulk: are you supposed to tell me that?
receptionist: i can say whatever i want about famous people. that’s the trade-off.
the door opens and james woods comes out wearing a trenchcoat.
woods: thanks, doc. let’s work on that bedside manner, okay? okay. You’re beautiful… hulk hogan, i’m a big fan. we should do lunch sometime. oh this vaginachest? yeah i did this movie in 80s, videodrome, and for one scene i have a vagina in my chest. that’s not a special effect. cronenberg said i needed to go full method on it. so i did. and it’s kept me out of the big leagues since then… that and the vast liberal conspiracy to undermine people of liberty, like myself…
receptionist: the doctor will see you now, hulk.
woods: seriously, hulk, let’s do lunch.
hulk steps through the door to find a blank, white, unnecessarily long hallway.
receptionist: it’s at the end of the hallway.
hulk: thanks brother!
receptionist: i’m a woman.
hulk: i know.
***commercial break***
the last woman on earth goes to a toxic river and washes her hair with herbal essences shampoo, which gives her multiple orgasms.
***
hulk walks down the long, bleachburn white hallway. he hears women snickering, but he can’t see anyone. the sound of footsteps behind him, but nothing’s there. he comes to the end of the hall and walks through the door.
hugh laurie is there in a white coat, with a stethoscope around his neck.
laurie: why does it smell like rotten sausage in here?
hulk: that’s my dangle brother!
laurie: danglebrother? what’s a danglebrother?
hulk: my dick was bit by a bat and now it’s rotting brother!
laurie: dangle… oh i get it now… let’s see this offending member.
hulk removes his spandex to reveal a truly gross dong. i mean puss and maggots, the whole 9.
laurie: wow dude. that’s disgusting.
one of the dick maggots looks up at them. he speaks in a gravely new york accent.
maggot: do you mind? i’m trying to eat here.
***commercial break***
a grizzled old fuck sits in a chair and smokes a cigarette. he drinks a monster energy. ‘hi, i’m marty shambles, author of MEAT THE MESSIAH, a delightful little romp into the world of american ideology; a delusional mix of humor, horror, and media commentary that’s sure to make you go, what the heck? in this fast paced digital world, it’s hard to get away from the bustle of modern life. books are known to reduce stress and expand the mind. so go to your local bookstore and demand they carry MEAT THE MESSIAH.’
***
the maggots do a ragtime chorus performance on the rotting dick. one maggot turns to hugh laurie.
maggot: we’re all big fans, mr. laurie.
laurie: any dick maggot of hulk hogan’s is a dick maggot of mine. call me hugh.
hulk: how’s it look, doc?
laurie: i’m not a doctor, but it looks like we need to cut your dick off.
hulk: can i get a second opinion?
laurie: sure. hey ben! come get a load of this!
benedict cumberbatch comes in from a hidden doorway in the wall.
ben: what’s up?
laurie (gesturing toward the dead dick): what do you think?
ben: ugh, gross! cut that thing off. it fucking stinks!
laurie: well there ya go. gotta cut your dick off. looks like it hasn’t spread to the head, so we could reattach that to the base and you could have a raging half-incher.
hulk: and if i don’t?
laurie: it will spread to the rest of your body and kill you in spectacularly painful and disgusting ways.
hulk: oh brother…
hulk looks at the camera like ‘what am i gonna do?’
freeze frame and credits roll.
***
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