Mish Murphy

The Schlong

~ Inspired by Nickolai Gogol’s “The Nose”

One day when Peter pulled himself to the apex of the rowing machine at the gym, he felt his penis pinched in the mechanism. As he slid backwards, his unattached cock scampered away, squealing, Free! Free!

What the fuck? Peter discretely looked down inside his gym shorts and saw—horrified—only a smooth patch of skin where his manhood used to be. He started chasing the darting dick, weaving in between weight machines and treadmills, only to see it skedaddle out the front door and vanish. 

He finally spotted a red two-seater Porsche that had just finished filling up at the gas station across the street from the gym. The driver was none other than his runaway body part, wearing a snazzy black track suit.

Peter knocked on the side window: Excuse me, but aren’t you my penis?

~Listen, asshole, I have a mind of my own. And I’m horny as hell. I need sex, and I need it now. So—fuck off.

You’ll regret this, Peter said.

~Oh, blow me. And the red Porsche zoomed away.

At wit’s end, Peter drove to Urgent Care. The amazed doctors kept poking the patch of smooth skin. Soon, the entire staff gathered to gawk at Peter’s groin as he lay on his back in bed, wearing only a hospital gown. 

He ran half-dressed to his car, where, looking at his phone, he discovered that his cocky cock, using the screenname “Playa,” had somehow amassed over 10,000 Instagram followers in less than a day and was now considered an “influencer.”

I’ll fix his little red wagon, Peter thought as he complained about his missing prick to the police. They responded, Pranking 9-1-1 is a felony, and hung up on him.

He went to bed early that night with a throbbing migraine. The next morning, half-awake, he stumbled to the toilet as usual and flipped up the seat with a bang.

His hand automatically reached down and grabbed his schlong. It had returned to its normal place and enthusiastically started to pee.