The President’s Daily Briefs
One morning in the White House Situation Room
I gave a briefing that lasted ’till noon
And afterward during the lunch break, I happened to peek
In a drawer where they kept the President’s Daily Briefs
They lay in a stack, all pristine and white
It was said he received new ones each morning and night
What a thrill to imagine our Commander In Chief
Handling those very same President’s Daily Briefs
Who knew what secrets those articles contained
They didn’t appear worn, showed no evidence of stain
As I ran my fingers over each fold and crease
I resolved that I must have the President’s Daily Briefs
Perhaps my brush with greatness had robbed me of my wits
For I found the temptation too strong to resist
So looking both ways, I gingerly reached
And swiped me a pair of the President’s Daily Briefs
I carefully placed them in a folder between
Two Senior Executive Intelligence magazines
Then walked down the hallway to return to my seat
All the while feeling the President’s Daily Briefs
But as I was rounding the corner a man
With dark shades and earphone seized hold of my hand
You should have heard the shouts of anger and disbelief
When I was apprehended with the President’s Daily Briefs
I swore they were my own briefs, that there’d been a mistake
But the presidential seal on them guaranteed my fate
They took me to a back room and made me spread my cheeks
All for purloining the President’s Daily Briefs
The news soon reached Langley, where they placed me on leave
Investigations followed, polygraphs without reprieve
For at first they thought they’d found the source of White House leaks
In the person who had ripped off the President’s Daily Briefs
In the end I convinced them I wasn’t a spy
My clearances were saved, but in ruins my career would lie
For all around Headquarters I was known as the freak
Who tried to leave the White House with the President’s Daily Briefs
So now I sweep floors in the CIA basement
But rather than wallow in my debasement
I dream of a transfer, to launder White House sheets
… And another chance at glimpsing the President’s Daily Briefs
Horror Sleaze Trash 