Jay Passer

Ste. Fabulist of Venice Beach

She sips the warm nectar of bee pollen combined with tinctures of turmeric and psilocybin

She speaks 8-10 languages fluently, including ASL, Braille and dolphin sonar

She consumes more food than an army of renegade hysterics and yet retains the figure of Karen Carpenter

Along with a family of opossums she squats in a den wallpapered with aluminum foil

While picking corn poppies as a child in the Lower Silesia Voivodship near Warsaw, Poland, she’s exposed to Agent Orange, which explains the Spock-like uplift of her eyebrows

Her busy schedule includes a Wednesday mid-morning chat with Elon Musk to discuss plans for a trip to Ancient Rome in a time machine currently being manufactured at NASA headquarters in Cape Canaveral

To save the trees she wipes her ass with pomegranate leaves

Pepper-sprayed in the pussy by a Latina murderess in the laundry room at CRDF Los Angeles, she commences to wash her private parts with lactate milked from a Madagascan monkey

Using an iPhone 14 to photograph her freshly-shaved vagina, she in turn uploads the image to social media, resulting in multiple cases of mass gender dysphoria

She practices kundalini yoga with the venerated actress Demi Moore, who, according to sources in the know, once had a menage-a-trois with Patrick Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg on the set of the movie Ghost

She uses chopsticks inlaid with mother-of-pearl to pluck stray hair follicles from her nostrils

She professes to having engaged in unsolicited sexual acts with her father, her twin brother, 5 of her uncles and too many nephews to count (there may even be a niece or 2 in the mix)

An eidetic memory equips her with the ability to quote Shakespeare at length and recite the theorems of Pythagorus simultaneously

Her fundamental goal in professional life is to act as a direct liaison between the East Coast Sicilian Mafia and the CIA

She massages her feet with the sperm of Beluga whales imported directly from the Gulf of St Laurence in Quebec, Canada

While incarcerated at CCWF Chowchilla she boasts of baking a fruitcake in a toilet bowl from fermented orange peels and frosted with rectal mucus from her own personal cache

It is a blessing to be graced with her presence, amen