Johnny Scarlotti

*dingding*

the door chimes as i walk in
it’s just me n the saleslady at the goodwill
she keeps telling me how good the 75 dollar queen size used mattress is
so good, she says, rubbing it
i had a nice mattress…i say
she’s like 100, i don’t think she hears me
you’ll love this, she says, sitting down on it
i can hear the metal springs groan as she bounces
i had a nice mattress…but it got punctured with a knife a bunch of times
so good, she says, stroking it with both hands
i had a nice mattress…but it got soaked in blood
she closes her eyes, head back, arms stretched,
hands gripping the sides,
moving her legs in a way
that’s got her dress climbing up them
exposing white flesh
and whiter flesh
and more wh—
bright pink (!?)
*dingding*
I’LL TAKE IT

i give her my credit card
we tied it to the top of my acura
and i took it home

carl my neighbor helps me push it up the stairs
then carl tries to follow me into the apartment
no carl, i got it, i say, pushing him out
where’s heather, he says
why’s it so cold in here
why’s it reek of bleach
cuz i just got my asshole done carl
*slam door*

i wake up next to heather
and we fool around some
but it’s not that good …
i have a realization
i’m just not that into her anymore
damn
i think i’m going to have to dump her

. . .

i bring the goodwill lady back to my apartment
she’s so old
she was probably going to die in her sleep tonight of old age anyway…

(snap.crackle.pop)
i roll her into a ball
using ducktape
so all that’s exposed is three holes (ass, pussy, mouth) (hee hee hee!)
*the sound ducktape makes when you rip it from the roll*
glchchglchrfphtfrippcht

a couple days later i spot pinhead carl
and his pinhead wife and 8 pinhead children walking back from taco bell.
as they’re climbing up the stairs
i roll her like a bowling ball
knocking them all down
sstrriike

oh shit
the apartment complex is going up in flames
i save carl’s wife and two eldest daughters
put em in the back of my van and go
i’m a hero

and when you save a life
that life is yours to take
if you want it

we’re going to have lots of fun girls

i mean women
/
i mean whatever you identify as
/
it’s cool with me
/
ur life is short
/
be what makes you happy now
/
cuz tomorrow
/
you could be dead
/
slash/slash/slash

hee hee hee!